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The complaint I
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hear all too often about the Kinect is that, with nothing to touch or directly interact
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with, control is a right pain in the bum. Which is totally true. It’s the same issue
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that plagued the Sony Eyetoy before it, and the Sega Activator before that, and.. this
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thing. The Broderbund U-Force. Yes, Broderbund, obviously wasting time and resources that
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could’ve given us Where on the Periodic Table is Carmen Sandiego, produced this...
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thing... that revolutionized gaming by taking the controller out of the player’s hands
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and leaving them to flail inside a “power field” of despair. Honestly, you could get
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more responsive reaction by putting the controller cord in your mouth and trying to chew your
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way through a game. It’s like trying to play Through the Fire and Flames on a freakin’
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theremin. But, for the sake of scientific evaluation, I tested the U-Force on five different
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games. Behold.
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Super Mario Bros. actually went somewhat smoothly, as the manual for the U-Force indicated an
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optimal control scheme specifically for this title. A number of such games were detailed
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in the back of said manual, but the list was hardly comprehensive unless you were desperate
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to play Deadly Towers or Sqoon. With the U-Force laid flat, the right hand controlled jumping
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while the left handled lateral movement. I actually succeeded in finishing level 1-1
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by some miracle, thus proving the justice of our culture or something. 1-2 kicked my
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ass, though.
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This more laid-back puzzler gave me a chance to deal with the control foibles and get my
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bearings. It started out great... until I had to simultaneously crouch and destroy a
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block. Apparently you’re not allowed to do both of those things at the same time.
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It’s against the RULES.
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Similar to my Solomon’s Key issue, there was a significant problem with the concept
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of “down.” As this thing seems optimized for racing games and whatnot, where the only
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controls you need are left and right, such 4-directional movement is completely outside
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its capability. Further, the game kept pausing itself as if trying to engage some kind of
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slow-mo mode.
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I was completely unable to turn to the left. And in Paperboy, that’s kinda important.
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There was some awesome rapid-fire of newspapers, though, and I think I delivered one accurately.
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I’ll take what I can get with this thing.
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Simply having the device plugged in caused the game to continuously loop resets until
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I flipped more toggle switches in a random fashion. Since the manual doesn’t actually
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tell you which buttons or switches scan to what, this game was unplayable. Kirby’s
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one of the more technical platformers out there, and this... ugh. Thanks, Bryan S. of
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Pennsylvania. I cared for your R.O.Bs and gave them tacos, and THIS is the thanks I
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get. I’ve got a gesture for you, right here.
