Name: 學會愛自己後再去約會！ (Dating When You've Learned to Love Yourself)
Uploaded: 2025-11-12T17:56:49.000Z
Duration: 6 min 51 s

情態副詞

Dating is ostensibly the business of searching for someone to love.

交友表面上是尋找愛人的過程。

反身代名詞

But in order for it to go well, it requires us to first work on a much more fundamental relationship that we have with ourselves.

但要讓它順利進行，我們需要先處理好與自己之間更根本的關係。

程度副詞

We won't be successful daters or indeed successful lovers if we haven't first reached a healthy perspective on our own natures.

如果我們沒有先對自身的本質建立健康的觀點，我們就不會是成功的交友者，也不是成功的戀人。

Dating presents us with the ultimate test of our powers of discernment and of our sense of self worth.

交友是我們辨識能力和自我價值感所面臨的終極考驗。

So what exactly does it mean to suggest that we may need to learn to love ourselves before we go on to try to love someone else?

那麼，建議我們在嘗試愛別人之前可能需要學會愛自己，這到底是什麼意思呢？

Merely that we won't be in any position to work out who is kind and good, who's worth investing in until we are firmly on our own side.

僅僅是，在我們堅定地站在自己這邊之前，我們無法判斷誰是善良且優秀的，誰是值得投入的。

We need to have overcome our self suspicion and to be sure of what we deserve.

我們需要克服自我懷疑，並且確定自己應得的。

To have a healthy sense of our value in order to correctly judge who could adequately reward our presence and in order not to despair at all the rejection we will inevitably encounter on our journey to love.

擁有健康的價值感，才能正確判斷誰能充分回報我們的存在，也不會在愛情旅程中因無可避免的拒絕而絕望。

Here then, are some of the many rules borne out of adequate self love that stand a chance of keeping us safe and more or less calm during the turbulence of the dating process.

這裡有一些源自充足的自愛而產生的規則，它們有機會在交友過程的動盪中，讓我們保持安全，並且或多或少保持平靜。

If they take an age to answer a message, we must walk away.

如果他們要花很久才回覆訊息，我們就必須離開。

If we feel obligated but deep down don't feel comfortable, we must walk away.

如果我們覺得有義務，但內心深處卻感到不自在，我們就必須離開。

If they make us feel ashamed or scared, we must walk away.

如果他們讓我們感到羞恥或害怕，我們就必須離開。

If we need to keep reminding ourselves that they're right on paper.

如果我們需要不斷提醒自己，他們在表面上是完美的。

But something in our depth stubbornly says no, we must walk away.

但我們內心深處卻固執地說不，我們就必須離開。

We must forever banish the idea that choice is limited.

我們必須永遠摒棄選擇有限的想法。

我們需要等待多久就等待多久。

We should spell out what we want clearly on if they run away immediately.

我們應該清楚地說出我們想要的，即使對方立刻逃跑。

They would have done so eventually in any case.

所以我們只是在節省自己的時間。

We should try not to go off people who threaten to be nice to us.

我們應該盡量不要放棄那些看起來很善良的人。

And we should strive not to fall in love at once with those who ignore us.

而且我們應該努力不要立刻愛上那些忽略我們的人。

We should accept with grace that most people won't want us.

我們應該優雅地接受大多數人不會想要我們。

This is going to be an exercise in the million perplexing ways in which one human can fall short of another's hopes.

這將會是一次關於一個人如何讓另一個人失望的百萬種令人困惑的方式的練習。

We're interviewing for the most important job in our lives.

我們正在爭取人生中最重要的職位。

We're trying to stay true to a legitimately distinctive vision of happiness.

我們試圖堅守一個真正獨特的幸福願景。

We have no option but to be very difficult.

我們別無選擇，只能非常挑剔。

Then again, we only have to be lucky once we're trying to fill a single, very important chair, not a bus.

話說回來，我們只要在試圖填補一個非常重要的空缺時幸運一次就好，而不是像搭公車一樣。

If there's an ex in our background haunting us with a sense that it could have been much better with them, it evidently could, couldn't, or we wouldn't be here.

如果過去有前任的陰影讓我們覺得跟他們在一起會好得多，那顯然是可能的，或者我們就不會在這裡了。

So let's not compound our difficulties with nostalgia.

所以，別讓懷舊加劇我們的困境。

我們的舊愛之所以成為舊愛，都有堅實的理由。

Don't be too jealous of the married and the settled life has a habit of eventually forcing everyone to take equal sips from the cup of sorrow.

別太羨慕已婚的人，安穩的生活最終總會強迫每個人都從悲傷的杯子裡喝下同樣的份量。

Watch out in dating, as in relationships, for the so called polite people, pleasing, cowardly, shape shifting ones.

在交友和關係中，要小心那些所謂有禮貌、討人喜歡、膽小、善變的人。

The ones whose disinterest wears a smile and who waste so much of our time with their dread of being rude or unkind.

那些假裝不在意，卻又怕失禮或傷人而浪費我們時間的人。

Some people are going to be plain unwell.

Mental illness is a reality for a fair percentage of the population, we should be ready.

心理疾病是相當一部分人口的現實，我們應該有所準備。

However auspicious a situation might appear, we must assume nothing too readily.

無論情況看起來多麼吉祥，我們都不能太快假設。

We won't know for sure for a very long time.

We must quash premature enthusiasm so as never to have to pay an undue price for it down the line.

我們必須壓制過早的熱情，以免將來付出不必要的代價。

We must keep repeating like a mantra every time promise dawns, but we just can't tell.

每當希望出現時，我們都必須像唸咒一樣不斷重複，但我們就是無法確定。

這不是一個不神聖或廉價的要求。

We should candidly register when the feeling is missing and move on without shame.

我們應該坦誠地承認當感覺消失時，並毫不羞愧地繼續前進。

This creates obligations, which is going to be exhausting to work our way out of.

這會造成責任，而要擺脫這些責任將會很累人。

Let physical intimacy be the result of confidence in their emotional rightness, not an attempt to catalyze a bond.

讓身體的親密成為對情感正確性的自信的結果，而不是試圖催化關係。

There's going to be plenty of time for all that later.

我們感到想哭又厭煩是正常的。

It's appalling to have to write and then delete so many scripts for our podcast.

為我們的 Podcast 寫了又刪了這麼多腳本，真是太糟糕了。

It's sad to have to keep realizing how far we still are from home, try to identify a concerned kind friend on whom to rely for counsel.

每次都得意識到離家還有多遠，真的讓人很難過，試著找一位關心你的朋友，可以向他尋求建議。

When perspective starts to slip and madness threatens, we should notice more than we're usually encouraged to do.

當你的觀點開始動搖，快要瘋了的時候，我們應該多留意一些平常不會注意的事情。

Whether or not they actually interest us.

他們的腦袋裡是不是充滿了各種想法？

Do they make us feel cleverer than we feel on our own?

他們會不會讓我們覺得比平常更聰明？

We might have to spend another 7,000 dinners with them.

我們可能還得跟他們共進七千頓晚餐。

We should refuse all non reciprocal situations.

我們應該拒絕所有不對等的關係。

They're either keen on us, viscerally keen, or we must walk away.

他們要嘛就對我們非常有感覺，是發自內心的那種，不然我們就得離開。

We are never here to coax, beg or drag the unwilling.

我們從來都不是來懇求、乞求或拖著不願意的人。

We should be ready for numberless rejections and drain them of too much meaning.

我們應該準備好面對無數的拒絕，並讓它們失去太多的意義。

We mustn't turn them into referenda on our right to exist.

我們絕不能讓它們變成我們生存權利的公投。

They're about poor alignment, not about every loss we've ever had.

這是關於不合適，而不是關於我們曾經歷過的每一次損失。

We must know that we could be alone, possibly forever if we have to.

我們必須知道，我們可能孤獨終老，如果非得如此的話。

It's conclusively better to remain single until eternity than to give room to a compromised candidate.

與其容忍一個妥協的人，不如獨身到永遠，這絕對是更好的選擇。

Solitude at least allows us always to maintain hope.

孤獨至少能讓我們永遠保有希望。

Finally, let it take as long as it has to.

最後，就讓它花費它所需要的時間。

If we're still here this time next year we're or the year after that, so be it.

如果明年此時、或者後年我們還在這裡，那就這樣吧。

Dating is an extremely demanding process.

We're often going to feel close to surrender and folly.

我們常常會覺得快要放棄，甚至覺得很愚蠢。

But the more we are on our side, the more we'll be able to hold in mind a critical truth as we return home from yet another disappointing encounter.

但我們越是堅定地站在自己這邊，就越能在又一次令人失望的約會後，牢記一個關鍵事實。

We just haven't found the right love yet.