Name: 總是愛上錯的人？可能不是你的錯，而是你童年受過的傷 (Your Two Options in Love After a Bad Childhood)
Uploaded: 2025-12-07T21:01:30.000Z
Duration: 3 min 28 s

想像一下，你曾有一個糟糕的童年。

程度副詞

The easiest way to assess what once went on is to reflect on how you feel about yourself now.

最簡單的判斷方法，就是看看你現在如何看待自己。

The clearest sign of having had a miserable start is a deep self-hatred.

最明顯的證據是深刻的自我厭惡。

You think you're ugly, you can't bear to look in mirrors.

你覺得自己很醜，甚至不能直視鏡子。

You never want to upset anyone and suspect everyone hates you.

你從不想惹任何人生氣，並總覺得所有人都討厭你。

You feel unacceptable and weird and just in multiple non-specific ways.

你覺得自己不可接受、很奇怪，以各種模糊但痛苦的方式。

Behind such feelings there will have been the normal villains.

在這些感受背後，通常都有典型的加害者。

A critical and unloving mother or father, some violence and unpredictability, huge preference for a sibling.

批評且不愛你的父母、暴力、不可預測性，或偏愛兄弟姊妹。

There are only so many ways these sorts of wounds form.

這些傷害形成的方式就那幾種。

但真正的後遺症出現在愛情中。

Here, after the normal awful adolescence, eating disorders, cutting, alienation, drink, etc.

在經歷典型的糟糕青春期後：飲食失調、自殘、疏離、酗酒等等。

Firstly, to fall in love with cruel, dead, distant, possibly violent, intermittent, unavailable people.

第一，你會愛上殘忍、冷漠、疏遠、可能暴力、忽冷忽熱、永遠不可得的人。

You can fall in love with people who are married to someone else or who don't call you,

你會愛上已婚的人，或是不會回你電話的人，

who make you feel inadequate and unseen and constantly alarmed and unsure.

讓你覺得自己不足、被忽略、時刻不安又沒有安全感的人。

You can love people who think you're unlovable.

你甚至會愛上覺得你不值得被愛的人。

Or else you can love people who really like you, who think you're attractive and sweet and clever.

或者，你會愛上那些真心喜歡你的人，他們覺得你可愛、有魅力、聰明。

And you can feel powerfully ill around them.

但你卻會在他們身邊感到極度不適。

You can become an expert in identifying what's wrong with them.

你會變成找碴專家，專挑他們的缺點。

They're not clever enough, they're weird, they've got no options.

他們不夠聰明、他們怪怪的、他們沒選擇。

You criticise their taste in shoes, the shape of their mouth, a comment they made at a party.

你批評他們的鞋子、嘴形、甚至他們在派對上講的一句話。

You become as critical of them as your parents were once critical of you.

你對他們的批評程度，就像你父母過去批評你那樣。

How could someone who liked you be anything other than a loser?

你會想：「怎麼可能有人喜歡我？他們一定是 loser。」

by going slightly cold or flirting with strangers, you know well enough how to detonate trust conclusively.

你會開始冷淡，或與陌生人調情──你非常清楚如何徹底摧毀信任。

This rigmarole can go on for most of your life.

這一套戲碼可以持續你一輩子。

Unavailable, cruel people and sickeningly available ones.

在不可得的人與令人作嘔的「太可得」的人之間擺盪。

And in the in between times, devastating loneliness.

而夾在其中的，是毀滅性的孤獨。

You can be sure this sort of thing went on in Renaissance Florence and Ming Dynasty Beijing.

你可以肯定：這種事在文藝復興佛羅倫斯和明朝北京都曾發生。

To understand what's going on and to share it with someone who is kind and perceptive

理解自己身上發生的事，並把它告訴一個善良且敏銳的人，

and who might have problems of their own and a good therapist

一個也許也有自己問題，但同時是一位好治療師的人。

To meet someone who threatens to make us feel sick with their sweetness,

遇到一個甜得讓我們反胃的人，

then, to explain to them what we understand of our problem.

然後向他解釋我們所理解的自己的問題。

Rather than pretending that we are healthy and can bear their kindness without difficulty,

不再假裝自己「很健康」或能輕鬆接受善意，

we may be able to tell them, I want so much to be normal, I want so much to tolerate kindness.

而是說：「我很想變得正常，我好想能承受善意。」

「我的過去讓我無法接受愛。」

I turn against it and the person giving it to me.

「我會反抗它，也反抗給我愛的那個人。」

But I don't want to be like this anymore.

I'm tired of sabotaging relationships and turning away good people.

「我厭倦破壞關係、推開好人。」

Please help me to bear the anxiety of being cared for.

「請幫我承受被關心時的焦慮。」

Please help me to absorb the love I crave.

If the person doesn't immediately run away,

if they can see the decency behind the shame and the tenderness behind the neurosis,

如果他能看到羞恥背後的真誠，與神經質背後的溫柔，

if they can partly understand our problem from the inside, or we will be making momentous progress.

如果他能部分理解我們的內在狀態，那我們就真正邁出了重要一步。

We won't be healed yet, but at least we'll know how ill we are, and

我們尚未痊癒，但至少開始意識到自己的病，

we'll have found a way to hint at the scale of our terrors of kindness.

並找到方法透露自己對善意的巨大恐懼。