Name: 為什麼在愛情裡，我們總忘了問自己「這個問題」？ (The One Question We Forget to Ask Ourselves in Love—and Why)
Uploaded: 2025-09-17T17:54:20.000Z
Duration: 3 min 42 s

程度副詞

There's one question that people who are deeply enmeshed in love,

有一個問題，那些深陷愛河的人，

who might have been pursuing someone for years in vain,

分詞構句

or trying so hard to make a relationship work, seldom find the occasion to ask themselves.

或拼命想維持一段關係，很少會有機會問自己。

Despite a certainty that they are in love, the question they rarely pause to ask is this: Is the person I love nice to me?

儘管他們確信自己在戀愛，但他們很少停下來問的問題是：我愛的人對我好嗎？

A lot of other things seem not to be in any doubt that the person's amazing, that their name makes them jump.

其他很多事情似乎毫無疑問——這個人很棒，他的名字一提起就讓人心跳加速。

But what remains astonish, unexplored is something more banal.

但令人驚訝、未被探究的，是更平凡的問題。

And here, despite all the extraordinary devotion, the answer is liable to be rather confusing.

在這裡，儘管有所有非凡的奉獻，答案往往相當令人困惑。

It seems that this loved one, the recipient of so much care and passion, isn't necessarily especially kind back.

看似受到如此多關愛和熱情的人，並不一定會以同樣的善意回應。

They might not have been in touch for months.

They may take ages to reply to a text message.

This brings us to the ostensible paradox.

Why on earth does this flawed and cruel being elicit such care?

為什麼這個有缺陷、甚至殘酷的人會引發如此多的關愛？

The person is loved not despite their lack of kindness and reciprocity, but precisely because of it.

人們愛上這個人，不是儘管他缺乏善意和回報，而正是因為這一點。

Why do some of us end up associating the word love with a lack of calm, an absence of generosity,

為什麼我們中的一些人會把「愛」這個詞，和缺乏平靜、缺乏慷慨聯繫在一起，

and what's more, not even notice that we do so?

The answer, as ever, lies in the difficulties of the past.

答案，一如既往，在於過去的困難。

There is a whole category of us who faced the following dilemma in childhood.

我們中有一整類人在童年時面臨如下困境。

Firstly, we had parents who should have loved us.

首先，我們有應該愛我們的父母。

And so we dealt with a lack of affection from people who should have adored us by creating an association between love and absence,

於是，我們面對那些本應寵愛我們卻缺乏情感的人時，便將愛與缺失聯繫起來，

love and suffering, love and never knowing where one stands, love and hoping in vain for a better outcome.

愛與痛苦、愛與不確定、愛與徒然期待更好結果聯繫在一起。

We learnt to blame ourselves for others disregard of us.

我們學會為他人的忽視責怪自己。

We learned not to name hardness of heart.

We learned to hope endlessly for a change of mind in the other person.

我們學會無盡地希望對方改變想法。

And now, in adulthood, it won't occur to us to call out bad behavior as soon as it arises.

如今，成年後，我們不會在不良行為出現時立刻指出。

We don't register that we haven't been happy in six months?

我們沒有意識到自己六個月都不快樂了？

Or that our partner's behavior is mocking us grossly.

或者我們的伴侶的行為在嚴重嘲弄我們？

Our response to someone ignoring us is to beg.

We're no more able now to ask, "Is the person I love nice to me than we were at the age of five?"

我們現在無法問自己「我愛的人對我好嗎？」，就像五歲時一樣無法問。

And the answer in both cases would of course have been no.

在這兩種情況下，答案當然都是「不」。

"What we should do instead needs, for some of us, to be stated very bluntly.

「我們應該做的事情，需要對某些人非常直白地說明。

However beautiful someone may be, however charming they might have been at the start,

不管一個人多麼美麗、多麼有魅力，

the only and truly the only basis on which we should be with anyone is if they are kind to us.

我們是否應該與某人在一起，唯一真正的標準就是他們是否對我們好。

Otherwise, what we have on our hands is not a loved one, not someone who deserves our care,

否則，我們手上的並不是被愛的人，也不是值得我們關心的人，

but simply someone who mirrors old wounds.

If they aren't sure they can commit, we shouldn't be there.

如果他們不確定能否承諾，我們就不該在那裡。

If they'd rather spend time with their friends than with us, we shouldn't be there.

如果他們寧可與朋友相處而不是和我們在一起，我們就不該在那裡。

If they see us as an open wound and suggest we are too much, we shouldn't be there.

如果他們把我們當作一個未癒合的傷口，認為我們「太過了」，我們就不該在那裡。

讓我們把這句話當作一個基本的咒語。

We should only love kind and keen people, people who listen to us and are committed to our welfare.

我們應該只愛善良且真心的人，那些傾聽我們、致力於我們幸福的人。

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為什麼在愛情裡，我們總忘了問自己「這個問題」？ (The One Question We Forget to Ask Ourselves in Love—and Why)

extraordinary

deserve

trauma

pursue