Name: 為什麼我們需要在愛情中慢慢來？ (Why We Need to Take It Slowly in Love)
Uploaded: 2025-08-06T17:53:21.000Z
Duration: 6 min 10 s

程度副詞

It sounds, on the surface, like the most withholding and mean-minded of strategies. To go very slowly when we might at some level want to go very fast indeed. To say, perhaps we might meet again in a couple of weeks rather than, are you free tomorrow? To let at least four meetings pass before we hold out a hand. To assume that we can't for a long while really know who has come into our lives and so not to introduce them to friends, not to get into a regular rhythm over text and not to mention love until it is almost a different season.

從表面上看，這聽起來像是最隱忍、最刻薄的策略。當我們在某種程度上想走得非常快時，卻要走得非常慢。說 "也許幾周後我們可以再見面"，而不是 "你明天有空嗎？至少等四次見面後再伸出手。假定我們在很長一段時間內都無法真正瞭解走進我們生活的人，是以不把他們介紹給朋友，不通過簡訊與他們建立固定的聯繫，直到幾乎到了另一個季節才提及愛情。

反身代名詞

Such self-possession might sound denying and sad. Why such miserliness? Modernity was supposed to have liberated us from decorum. We were supposed to have been able to let go of rigmaroles of propriety for the untrammelled callings of our hearts. But slowness does not necessarily need to have anything to do with prudishness or social moors. It can be where we land once we have built up a more profound understanding of the psychology of love. Whatever we may tell ourselves, love is far from being simply all we humans want. However heady and beautiful it might appear from a distance, it is something that may, in actuality, terrify us as much as it delights us, something we are as much tempted to flee as to embrace. Caution is therefore logical. To stand helpless and vulnerable before another human, to hope that they will see us as we are and still care for us, opens us up to a genuine and uncommon risk of devastation.

這樣的自持聽起來可能會讓人感到拒絕和悲哀。為何如此吝嗇？現代性本應將我們從禮儀中解放出來。我們本應能夠放下禮教的束縛，聽從內心無拘無束的召喚。但是，"慢 "並不一定與謹小慎微或社會荒原有關。一旦我們對愛的心理有了更深刻的理解，它就會成為我們的落腳點。無論我們如何告訴自己，愛情遠非我們人類想要的全部。無論從遠處看，它多麼令人陶醉，多麼美麗，但實際上，它可能會讓我們感到恐懼，也可能會讓我們感到高興，我們既想逃離，也想擁抱。是以，謹慎是合乎邏輯的。無助而脆弱地站在另一個人面前，希望他們看到我們的真實面目並依然關

情態副詞

If heartbreak can kill us – and it more or less can – no wonder if we should, at least in part, begin with modest steps. To the general terror, some of us have backgrounds that add another particularly intense layer of fear. We may have grown up in disturbed environments where the first rule of love was that it was scarce and unpredictably distributed.

如果心碎會要了我們的命--它或多或少會要了我們的命--那就難怪我們應該，至少在一定程度上，從適度的步驟開始。除了普遍的恐懼之外，我們中的一些人的背景又給我們增添了一層特別強烈的恐懼。我們可能是在不安的環境中長大的，在那裡，愛情的第一條規則就是稀缺和不可預測的分配。

In our youngest years, we may have had to acclimatise ourselves to a very uneven supply of affection. Perhaps mother was unavailable and father was violent. There might have been a lot of sarcasm and not much patience for our sorrows or opinions. And therefore, the only way to survive would have been to withdraw, to learn to play alone and to make our peace with a restricted emotional diet. So when someone arrives in adulthood promising us a banquet, when someone lays out dish after dish of generosity and care, when someone promises us unlimited kindness and tenderness, our first response may not be joy but nausea, not delight but panic. We may be unable to absorb or metabolise any of the rich nutrients before us and, without quite knowing why, in order to maintain our poise, may have no option but to turn on our kind hosts, blame them for being weak or odd and run away. We might wish to tell them, please be so kind as not to be too kind, please be generous enough not to overwhelm me, please let me find my own way to reciprocation. On the other side of the ledger, we, the so-called generous ones, the banquet givers who like to move fast, should also be brave enough to question our behaviour. It may look as if we are being purely and simply romantic, Paris on the second date, nicknames after a week. But we may turn out to be, beneath our bold gestures, something rather more complicated and sad, untenably and unhelpfully anxious. We lose our minds if we haven't heard from them in two hours.

在我們年幼的時候，我們可能不得不適應非常不均衡的親情供應。也許母親不在身邊，父親又很粗暴。他們可能會對我們冷嘲熱諷，對我們的悲傷或意見沒有多少耐心。是以，唯一的生存之道就是退縮，學會獨自玩耍，在有限的情感飲食中求得安寧。是以，當成年後有人來到我們身邊，許諾給我們一場盛宴，當有人擺出一盤又一盤慷慨和關懷的菜餚，當有人承諾給我們無限的善意和溫柔，我們的第一反應可能不是喜悅，而是噁心，不是高興，而是恐慌。我們可能無法吸收或新陳代謝我們面前的任何豐富營養，而且不知道為什麼，為了保持我們的風度，我們可能別無選擇，只

We can't bear not to know their intentions before the arrival of dessert. We are giving a lot, not so much because we want to as because we have no confidence in ourselves as people with a solid claim to love. We are running to stay one step ahead of self-disgust.

我們無法忍受在甜點到來之前不知道他們的意圖。我們付出了很多，與其說是因為我們想付出，不如說是因為我們對自己沒有信心，不相信自己是一個有能力去愛的人。我們在奔跑，以求先於自我厭惡一步。

We are moving at lightning speed because our childhoods have taught us that love may disappear at any time, that nothing is solid, that we aren't worthy and that the best way to prevent loss is to make outsized efforts, to lose ourselves in displays of devotion and to prompt our beloved to say yes before either of us know who the other might really be.

我們以閃電般的速度前進，因為我們的童年教會了我們，愛情隨時可能消失，沒有什麼是堅固的，我們不值得，而防止失去的最好辦法就是做出超乎尋常的努力，在奉獻中迷失自我，在我們都還不知道對方的真實身份之前，就促使我們的夫妻說 "是"。

Mature love, by contrast, sits boringly but beautifully in a middle zone between frightened rush on the one hand and equally frightened withholding on the other. Its hallmarks are confidence, calm and self-possession. Its essence is patience. The healthy lover has the wherewithal to think, I like them but I don't yet know them. I want them to stay around but I could bear to live without them. I'm attracted to them but I've got no need to act on my desires. There will be time. It sounds clever. It's in truth usually something far more automatic and instinctive, the legacy of a reliable, loving upbringing.

相比之下，成熟的愛情介於驚慌失措的匆忙和同樣驚慌失措的隱忍之間，枯燥但美好。它的特點是自信、冷靜和自持。它的本質是耐心。健康的夫妻有足夠的能力去思考：我喜歡他們，但我還不瞭解他們。我希望他們留在我身邊，但我可以忍受沒有他們的生活。我被他們吸引，但我沒有必要按自己的慾望行事。會有時間的聽起來很聰明。事實上，這通常是一種更自動、更本能的東西，是可靠、充滿愛的成長環境的遺產。

For those of us who haven't benefited from such a gift, and there is no greater, we can nevertheless make a conscious effort to slow down our trepidations and our extravagances.

對於我們這些沒有從這樣的禮物中獲益的人來說（沒有比這更大的禮物了），我們可以有意識地努力減緩我們的惶恐和奢望。

Our attitudes to love can gradually become imbued with ease, serenity and self-compassion.

我們對愛的態度可以逐漸變得從容、寧靜和自我同情。

We can grow more certain that we will find someone, here or elsewhere, because we have much to offer. We can survive rejection. We can afford to delay and explore. We can take as much time as we need, paying constant and close attention to how comfortable we feel, avoiding any embarrassment at being uncertain by communicating our hesitations honestly. So that, eventually, one day, when it finally feels right, we can take a thoughtful risk and reach out for their hand, knowing that we'll be able to survive whatever follows.

我們可以更加確信，我們會在這裡或其他地方找到某個人，因為我們可以提供很多東西。我們經得起拒絕。我們經得起拖延和探索。我們可以花盡可能多的時間，不斷密切關注自己的感覺是否舒適，通過誠實地表達我們的猶豫不決，避免任何不確定的尷尬。這樣，最終有一天，當我們終於覺得合適時，我們就可以冒著深思熟慮的風險，伸出手去牽他們的手，因為我們知道，無論接下來發生什麼，我們都能挺過去。