Name: 90% 的人在約會中都會犯的錯誤 (The Mistake 90% of People Make in Dating)
Uploaded: 2025-07-17T21:01:30.000Z
Duration: 5 min 44 s

程度副詞

It can take a very long time indeed for some of us to come to a highly basic sounding realisation.

我們中的一些人可能需要很長時間才能領悟到一個聽起來非常基本的道理。

情態副詞

We should only contemplate going out with people who are very enthusiastic about us.

我們應該只考慮與對我們非常熱情的人交往。

From the start, without the need for persuasion, without any call for begging or chasing or strategic withholding of affection or visits to therapy.

從一開始，不需要勸說，不需要乞求，不需要追逐，不需要策略性地隱瞞感情，不需要去看心理醫生。

Just plainly and simply keen, open and ready from the get-go.

只是簡單明瞭地敏銳、開放，從一開始就做好了準備。

This can sound extremely odd and deep down surprising because so much in our culture and in our pasts fosters an altogether different kind of philosophy, to an extent that we may never quite have noticed.

這聽起來可能非常奇怪，在內心深處也令人驚訝，因為在我們的文化和過去中，有很多東西都孕育著一種完全不同的哲學，而我們可能從未注意到這一點。

In many cases, what we call love is really, upon examination, the business of overcoming obstacles and resistances to love.

在許多情況下，我們所謂的愛，經過審視，其實就是克服愛的障礙和阻力。

It's precisely not about meeting up with someone who's already smiling at us and already on board.

這恰恰不是要去見一個已經對我們微笑、已經上船的人。

What we've understood by a love story for the last 2000 years is essentially a study of one person, as keen as mustard, trying their very hardest to persuade another, disengaged and elsewhere, to look their way.

在過去的 2000 年裡，我們對愛情故事的理解基本上是，一個人像芥末一樣敏銳，竭盡全力勸說另一個人，讓他向自己看齊。

The beloved is beautiful or dashing, brilliant or beguiling, but there must always, according to the literary canon, be some substantial problem or another.

心愛的人或美麗或瀟灑，或才華橫溢或嫵媚動人，但根據文學典範，總要存在一些實質性的問題或其他問題。

They're married to someone else, they're devoted to God, they're too proud and defended to acknowledge their need for tenderness.

她們嫁給了別人，她們獻身於上帝，她們過於驕傲和自衛，不承認自己需要溫柔。

What we call a plot is then the retelling of all the arduous steps that had to be taken in order that, a few pages from the end of the novel or epic poem, the couple could finally be united and wedding vows exchanged.

我們所說的情節，就是在小說或史詩結尾的幾頁紙上，重述所有必須經歷的艱辛步驟，以便這對新人最終能夠結合，並交換結婚誓言。

Love isn't really love at all, it's the delineation of the colourful obstacles to its realisation and enactment.

愛根本不是真正的愛，而是為愛的實現和實施劃定了五彩繽紛的障礙。

There is a more intimate counterpart to these epic tales of frustration in many of our psychological histories.

與這些史詩般的挫折故事相對應的，是我們許多人的心理歷史。

Growing up, we may have first learnt about love from parental figures who were, in their way, every bit as unreliable, distracted and unfulfilling as any literary romantic paragon.

在成長過程中，我們可能最初是從父母那裡瞭解到愛的，而他們的方式就像任何文學中的浪漫典範一樣不可靠、心不在焉和不圓滿。

These parental figures will not have been especially impressed by us.

這些父母對我們的印象並不是特別好，

They might have kept their feelings guarded, they could have been addicted or depressed, they might have been living abroad or in love with someone else, one of our siblings perhaps, or a new spouse.

他們可能一直對我們的感情保持警惕，他們可能已經上癮或情緒低落，他們可能生活在國外或愛上了別人，也許是我們的兄弟姐妹之一，或者是新的配偶。

And from this, we will have derived a powerful impression that love, when it's real, must essentially be about unfulfillment and frustration, delay and resistance, about being made to feel unworthy and about being put on hold while someone we yearn for explores other options.

由此，我們會得出一個強烈的印象：如果愛是真實的，那麼它本質上一定是不滿足和挫折、拖延和阻力，是讓人覺得不值得，是在我們渴望的人探索其他選擇時被擱置。

Our most powerful experiences of love in childhood would have been about hoping against hope that someone we adored might eventually turn our way and think we were, after all, despite everything wrong with us, good enough.

我們童年時最強烈的愛的體驗，就是希望我們愛慕的人最終會轉向我們，並認為我們畢竟是足夠好的，儘管我們的一切都有問題。

The legacy of these two approaches to love can follow us unconsciously into the dating game.

這兩種戀愛方式的後遺症會不知不覺地跟隨我們進入約會遊戲。

Here we may notice nothing amiss in a prospective partner who tells us that they like us a lot but they'll only be available to see us again in a month,

在這裡，我們可能會發現一個未來的伴侶並沒有什麼不妥，他告訴我們，他很喜歡我們，但要一個月後才能再見面；

or someone who casually mentions they're presently trying to decide between us and three other suitors, or a compelling career abroad, or someone who can never bring themselves to initiate sex or hold our hand in public.

或者，他不經意地提到，他目前正在我們和其他三個追求者之間做出選擇；或者，他在國外的職業生涯引人注目；或者，他永遠無法主動與我們發生性關係，也無法在公共場合牽我們的手。

A bit deeper into our relationships, we may similarly not spot that it might be less than ideal to be trying to convince someone that they should go into therapy so that they'll finally see that they do want us, or that we are, in fact, just as much fun to spend Saturday evenings with as their friends.

在我們的人際關係中，我們可能同樣沒有發現，試圖說服別人應該去接受治療，這樣他們最終會發現他們確實需要我們，或者我們其實和他們的朋友一樣，可以一起度過週六晚上的時光，這可能並不理想。

To cut through the nonsense, we need a robust awakening.

要想破除這些無稽之談，我們需要一個強有力的覺醒。

So complicated and multiple are the requirements of a good life with someone, comprising child care, finances, sexual intimacy, friendship.

要想和某人過上美好的生活，需要照顧孩子、經濟、性親密關係和友誼，這些要求是如此複雜和多重。

The only person we should for a moment ever contemplate being with is someone who, at the start of the journey, can already be at the table with a conviction to match our own.

我們唯一應該考慮的人，是在旅程開始時，就已經帶著與我們相匹配的信念坐在桌邊的人。

We can be forgiven for being, for a long time, deeply charmed by all the others, those who are coy and troubled, those who don't reply to our messages, and those whose difficult childhoods render them enchantingly off-kilter.

我們可以被原諒，在很長一段時間裡，我們被所有其他人深深地迷住了，那些靦腆而煩惱的人，那些不回覆我們資訊的人，還有那些艱難的童年讓他們變得異常迷人的人。

But this is a game we can, in the end, ill afford.

但這場比賽我們最終還是輸不起。

We aren't living in a novel and we shouldn't be trying to repeat our miserable childhoods or forgiving those of others.

我們不是生活在小說中，我們不應該試圖重複自己悲慘的童年，也不應該原諒別人的童年。

It isn't love if you need to keep messaging and they're apparently always out of battery.

如果你需要不停地發送信息，而它們顯然總是沒電，那就不是愛了。

It isn't love if they're evasive or surreptitiously liking someone else's posts.

如果他們迴避或偷偷喜歡別人的帖子，那就不是愛。

It isn't love if they get defensive and describe our legitimate requirements for attention as intense.

如果他們採取防衛態度，把我們對關注的合理要求說成是強烈要求，那就不是愛了。

We need to get the wavering, defended ones out of our lives immediately.

我們需要立即把那些搖擺不定、防不勝防的人趕出我們的生活。

That will mean ejecting the majority of people we meet, or the more reason to focus on the very few who've got native enthusiasm.

這就意味著我們要把遇到的大多數人拒之門外，或者說，我們更有理由把注意力集中在極少數有本土熱情的人身上。

We need to hone our skills at recognising the keen ones and clear everyone else out of the way.

我們需要磨練識別敏銳者的技能，並將其他人排除在外。

If they don't get back immediately, give up on them immediately.

如果他們沒有立即回覆，就立即放棄。

Stop imagining that they might be shy or that you haven't made your intentions clear enough.

不要再幻想他們會害羞，或者你的意圖還不夠明確。

為了方便起見，我們再說一遍。

The only worthwhile lovers are those who don't need persuading.

唯一值得愛的人是那些不需要勸說的人。

Those who never leave us wondering where they might be or when they might reply.

那些永遠不會讓我們猜測他們會在哪裡或何時回覆的人。

Those whose commitment to us flows easily so that all the focus can be on the difficulties of day-to-day living.

他們對我們的承諾很容易實現，所以我們可以把所有的注意力都集中在日常生活中的困難上。

The others may be fascinating, lovely-looking, about to change their minds in fifteen and a half years after a long trip to India, capable of generating lots of late-night arguments and ideal for a movie or psychoanalytic case study.

其他人可能很迷人，長相可愛，十五年半後在印度長途旅行後會改變主意，能在深夜引發大量爭論，是電影或精神分析案例研究的理想人選。

They're also just a plain waste of our precious time.

這也是在浪費我們寶貴的時間。