Or as its increasingly known,

America's Fucktastic Cirque De Dismay.

(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

Now, the big news this week surrounded Donald Trump,

a punchline that is quickly becoming a nightmare.

Like if you said, "Take my wife, please,"

and then she was actually kidnapped by ISIS.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, this week

revealed a somewhat startling statistic...

WOMAN: A new report from USA Today

found Trump and his businesses

have been involved in at least 3,500 lawsuits

over three decades.

Thirty-five hundred lawsuits!

That is unprecedented for a presidential nominee.

In fact, if each lawsuit involving Trump

were the basis of an episode of Law & Order,

they could sustain all 456 episodes of the original,

all 389 episodes of Law & Order SVU,

all 195 episodes of Law & Order Criminal Intent,

and all 22 episodes of Law & Order LA.

As well as every episode of The Practice,

Ally McBeal, L.A. Law, Boston Legal, Night Court,

The Good Wife, Matlock, JAG, Perry Mason, Judging Amy,

The Guardian, The Public Defender,

Owen Marshall: Counselor At Law,

Harry's Law, Courthouse, Suits, Family Law, Sweet Justice,

1971's The D.A., 2004's The D.A.,

Reasonable Doubts, Damages, Shark, The Defenders,

The Paper Chase, Head Cases, Judd for the Defense,

and all three episodes of NBC's First Years,

and at that point, you're still missing one lawsuit.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -But, you've also basically

run out of television shows about lawyers,

meaning Trump's lawsuits exceed the limits of the fucking genre!

(AUDIENCE LAUGH AND APPLAUD)

Well, lately... Lately, there have been

some new developments with Trump-related litigation,

after he complained about a judge

presiding over two particular cases against him.

I have judge who is a hater of Donald Trump.

-A hater. -(CROWD BOO)

He's a hater.

His name is...

Gonzalo Curiel.

(CROWD BOO)

And he is not doing the right thing.

The judge who happens to be, we believe, Mexican,

which is great, I think that's fine.

-Oh. Oh, you do, do you? -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

You think that's fine?

Great news people of Mexican descent,

Donald Trump thinks it's fine for you to be a human being

existing on this planet.

Now, for the record,

the judge in question was born in Indiana,

but that's not the point.

Because, as he later clarified,

it was the judge's Mexican heritage

that made him unfit to judge Trump.

You're invoking his race when talking about whether

-or not he can do his job. -Here's what I'm saying.

Jack, I'm building a wall, okay? I'm building a wall.

I'm trying to keep business out of Mexico.

Mexico's fine.

-There's nothing-- A Mexican-- -But he's an American.

Uh, he's of Mexican heritage, and he's very proud of it,

-as I am where I come from. -But he--

-Wait... -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

-Where exactly are you from? -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

Because you look like you came out of a clogged drain

-at the Wonka factory. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH AND APPLAUD)

And, you know what? That's great!

I think that's fine.

But think about what he's implying there.

The judge is unfit to do his job

because of his ethnic background.

And just his morning, Trump took it a step further.

What if he was a Muslim though? You've had-- been very tough

on temporary Muslim immigration ban.

If it were a Muslim judge, would you also feel like

they wouldn't be able to treat you fairly,

because of that policy of yours?

Uh... It's possible, yes.

Yeah, that would be possible, absolutely.

I would say that was the dictionary definition of bigotry

except after this campaign, the definition of bigotry

might just become, "See: Trump comma Donald."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, as it happens,

the judge he initially insulted is overseeing cases

involving the controversial Trump University.

And he ordered a cache of documents

to be released this week.

Which was very exciting to us,

because we actually looked into his university

when we did our big piece on Trump

back in February,

and it wound up on this very long list

of awful Donald Trump stories

that we literally didn't have time to delve into,

even in a 22-minute piece.

But, once we started reading through these new documents,

we figured, "Aw, fuck it.

Let's take some time to talk about it now."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Because Trump University

is kind of amazing.

Back when it opened, Trump made some big claims.

At Trump University, we teach success.

That's what it's all about, success.

It's going to happen to you.

If you don't learn from the people

that we're going to be putting forward,

and these are all people that are handpicked by me,

then, uh, you're just not gonna make it

in terms of the world of success.

(SCOFFS) "The world of success."

It sounds like what Donald Trump

-calls his bedroom. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

"Welcome to The World of Success.

Please enjoy a mint, and a nondisclosure agreement."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, unfortunately,

Trump University ran into problems in several states,

starting with the name itself.

We started looking at Trump University,

and, uh, discovered that it was

a classic bait-and-switch scheme.

It was a scam.

Starting with the fact that it was not a university.

Holy shit!

Trump University wasn't even a university.

Which is enough to make you wonder

what the fuck was in Trump steaks?

Oh God, it was possum, wasn't it?

It was possum, you monsters!

(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

But the name was just the beginning,

'cause remember how he had "handpicked instructors"?

Well, according to his own depositions,

he did not personally select instructors for live seminars,

and was unable to recall the names

of key faculty members.

And it's probably good that he didn't handpick them himself,

that would be dangerous.

Anything Trump's tiny fingers touch

turn into an ex-wife or an abandoned casino.

And it doesn't stop there.

According to the sworn testimony by several former employees,

many instructors and mentors had no experience

buying or selling real estate.

In fact, one had worked as a salesmen for Lowe's,

and another had been manager for Buffalo Wild Wings.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Or as I call it, B-dubs-dubs.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -And even a former member

of Trump's own sale's staff testified that it was,

among other things, a joke, a facade,

and was just selling false hopes and lies.

And to be fair, every university has sold some of its students

false hopes and lies. It's just, most of the time,

they call it "a theater arts degree."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -Now, these new documents

also include several revealing playbooks of sales tactics.

For instance, the room temperature

was to be no more than 68 degrees,

which is partly to keep students alert,

and partly because Professor Wild Wings

doesn't want the ranch sauce getting all gamy.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -There are also instructions

on how to sell and upsell students,

or as the playbooks call them, "buyers", on expensive courses,

with typo-riddled tips like,

"If a client is adamant about knowing the price,

simply say, 'Our course range anywhere from $29 to $35,000.'"

And if prospects seemed at all wary,

there was advice for dealing with that.

MAN: '"You must be very aggressive,"

one passage from the playbook reads.

'"If they complain about the price,

remind them that Trump is the best."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -You might laugh,

but that is the same technique that Trump has been using

to run for president, and apparently,

-it fucking works! -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

These playbooks are rife with sleazy salesmanship.

For instance, employees were told to substitute the words

"thank you" with "congratulations",

so that the potential costumer ends up thanking you.

-Which is pretty obnoxious. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

If I started this show every week with,

"Welcome to Last Week Tonight, congratulations on joining us,"

you would quite rightly turn it off.

(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

And I know what you're thinking,

"Well, what about people

who simply didn't have the money?"

Trump U didn't really have a problem with that.

MAN: A set of playbooks for the sales team

coached them on how to market the courses,

even to single mothers with three children who, quote,

"may need money for food."

"Money," instructed the playbook,

"is never a reason for not enrolling in Trump University.

If they real believe in you and your product,

they will find the money.

You are not doing any favor by letting someone

use lack of money as an excuse."

"Lack of money is not an excuse"

is not what single parents need to hear.

It's what Donald Trump needs to hear

when a fifth company of his

inevitably files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

And as you might expect,

some of the customers on the other end of that hard sell

wound up feeling duped, like Carmen Mendez,

who put a $35,000 course on her credit cards

and was left disappointed.

CARMEN: I thought that I'm going to be a millionaire...

because Donald Trump is a millionaire

and they were offering the course

for people to get rich.

MAN: This is the closest Mendez got to Trump during the course,

a picture of her with a picture of Donald Trump.

Oh, that's not a one-off,

'cause another former student said,

"We were told that we would get to have

our pictures taken with Donald Trump.

It ended up being a cardboard cutout of Mr. Trump."

Which is actually a perfect metaphor for Trump University.

You're expecting the real thing, but in the end,

all you get is a tacky, two-dimensional facade

with Donald Trump's face slapped on it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

But perhaps the most suspicious thing of all

is that the playbooks even include specific instructions

on what to do if an attorney general shows up.

And believe it or not, the answer is not,

"Kick over a table as a distraction

-and get the fuck out of there." -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

No, apparently you contact April immediately.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH) -And it also reminds you,

"You do not have to show them any personal information

unless they have a warrant."

Which is suspicious advice

-for a university employee. -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

I'm pretty sure Harvard doesn't tell its new professors,

"Welcome, here's a gun and a cyanide capsule

in case the fuzz show up.

-Don't let them take you alive!" -(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

-Now, Donald Trump... -(AUDIENCE APPLAUD)

Donald Trump has broadly denied the claims in the lawsuits,

and his attorneys have gathered statements

from satisfied customers.

In fact, to hear Trump tell it,

"The school was very good value."