Name: 愛情是項技能，而非感覺 | Alain de Botton：完整專訪 (Love is a skill, not a feeling | Alain de Botton: Full Interview)
Uploaded: 2026-03-04T18:29:44.000Z
Duration: 58 min 13 s

I'm a philosopher, psychotherapist and founder of the School of Life.

我是一位哲學家、心理治療師，也是生命學校的創辦人。

Chapter one Our Destructive Romantic Culture we know, in theory that love matters a lot.

第一章 我們破壞性的浪漫文化，我們理論上知道愛很重要。

We sometimes lose sight of what that word actually means.

我們有時候會忘記這個詞到底是什麼意思。

it is one of the most beautiful and one of the most complicated of all phenomena.

它是所有現象中最美麗、也最複雜的之一。

Even though we think we've been around on this planet for a long time, trying to figure things out, I'd say we were still at the dawn collectively, of making sense of this phenomenon we call love.

即使我們覺得我們在這個星球上很久了，一直在試圖弄清楚事情，我會說我們集體上，對於理解我們稱之為愛的這種現象，還處於萌芽階段。

And it's no surprise that most people will go to their deathbeds thinking, not quite sure I figured that side of life out.

所以，難怪大多數人臨終時還在想，我好像還沒完全搞懂人生的這個面向。

At least many of us will still be grappling with some of the complexities of love by the time time runs out on us.

至少等到我們生命走到盡頭時，我們大多數人還是會掙扎於愛的複雜性。

The most central kind of love that people are obsessed about, concerned about, is romantic love.

人們最在意、最關心的那種最核心的愛，就是浪漫愛情。

That is the intimate connection between two human beings who have a sexual contact.

那是兩個有性接觸的人類之間的親密連結。

It's worth saying that there are other forms of love.

值得一提的是，還有其他形式的愛。

We can love our children, we can love animals, we can love ideas.

我們可以愛我們的孩子，我們可以愛動物，我們可以愛各種想法。

We can love tables, chairs, clouds, all sorts of things.

我們可以愛桌子、椅子、雲，各式各樣的東西。

But I'd say that when people sing about love and when they cry about love, it tends to be the love of one very special person.

但我認為，當人們歌頌愛或為愛哭泣時，通常是指對某個非常特別的人的愛。

We tend to call our soulmate our partner.

我們傾向於稱我們的靈魂伴侶為另一半。

It used to be the case that when people found partners, they would do so according to fairly pragmatic considerations.

以前，人們找到另一半時，會根據相當實際的考量來決定。

In most nations, in most parts of the world, for most of history, couples were formed not by the individuals themselves, but

在大多數國家、世界各地、大部分的歷史中，伴侶的組成並非由當事人自己決定，

by the wider society, families, the village, the court.

而是由整個社會、家庭、村莊、朝廷來決定。

There were, if you like, dynastic marriages, you would get together with somebody because they had a plough and you had an ox and it seemed like a good match.

如果你願意，那就像是政治聯姻，你們會因為對方有犁，而自己有牛，覺得是門好親事而結合。

Or you were the Duke of Brabant and they were the Princess of Naples, and

又或者你是布拉班特公爵，對方是那不勒斯的公主，

So you got together for reasons that were nothing to do with emotional compatibility.

所以你們結合的理由，跟情感契合度一點關係都沒有。

There were a lot of tears, there was sadness, there was loneliness.

雖然有許多眼淚、悲傷、孤獨。

It didn't seem to matter, because relationships were seen to be about something else.

但似乎沒什麼大不了，因為當時的關係被認為是關於別的事情。

There was then a momentous change that occurs towards the end of the 18th century, starting in Britain, France, Germany, parts of Italy.

接著在十八世紀末，於英國、法國、德國、義大利部分地區開始，發生了一項重大的轉變。

A revolution in feeling that we now know as romanticism.

一場我們現在稱為浪漫主義的情感革命。

And one of the central tenets of romanticism is that each individual should be left to decide on their partner by their own, the movements of their own heart.

所以浪漫主義的核心理念之一，就是每個人都應該讓自己的心來決定伴侶。

They should Be left to decide for themselves.

And we have been in the romantic age now for, you know, 200 years, perhaps shorter, perhaps a little longer, that kind of time period.

我們現在已經處於浪漫時代約兩百年了，或許長一點，或許短一點，大概是這個時間範圍。

And let's put it plainly, it's been a disaster.

老實說，這根本就是一場災難。

We are not any appreciably happier now in a romantic culture than we were in a dynastic culture where marriages were made for dynastic reasons.

在我們這個浪漫文化裡，大家並沒有比以前那些為了家族聯姻而結婚的時代來得更快樂。

Because we have failed collectively to focus with enough intent on the difficulties that couples will have when they choose each other according to the movements of their own heart.

因為我們集體都沒辦法夠認真地去關注，當伴侶們憑藉自己的心意選擇彼此時，會遇到的種種困難。

Look, I think a really key prejudice of the romantic worldview is that if love is working well, it should be following instinct.

你看，我認為浪漫主義觀點裡一個很關鍵的偏見是，如果愛情順利，就應該跟著直覺走。

There's been an enormous veneration, almost a worship of instinct.

人們對直覺有著極大的崇敬，近乎崇拜。

愛情被形容成一種特別的感覺。

Not in a set of ideas, not a sense of rationally observable principles, but a feeling.

不是一套想法，不是一種理性可觀察的原則，而是一種感覺。

You either have the feeling or you don't.

你不是有感覺，就是沒有感覺。

There's even a prejudice against language.

You know, true lovers shouldn't talk too much.

你知道，真正的戀人應該少說話。

They should just feel the fluttering of their own hearts.

他們應該只是感受自己內心的悸動。

That's why music has a huge prestige, higher than, you know, philosophy.

這也是為什麼音樂有著崇高的地位，比，你知道的，哲學還高。

When we're in love, we don't want to read philosophical tracks.

當我們墜入愛河時，我們不想讀哲學的論文。

That is to do with our sense that emotion should be guiding us, not reason.

這跟我們覺得應該由情感引導我們，而不是理性有關。

Reason is the enemy in the romantic worldview of truly happy relationships.

在真正幸福關係的浪漫世界觀中，理性是敵人。

And, you know, there are so many things that are considered unromantic.

而且，你知道，有很多東西被認為是不浪漫的。

And I would love to train our audience that every time something seems unromantic, question it.

我想訓練我們的觀眾，每次有什麼事情看起來不浪漫時，都要質疑它。

Is it truly unromantic if we define romanticism as the pursuit of a workable relationship on that basis?

如果我們把浪漫主義定義為在此基礎上追求一段可行的關係，那它真的是不浪漫的嗎？

Is it unromantic to think long and hard about childhood patterns of psychological development?

認真思考童年心理發展模式是不浪漫的嗎？

Is it anti romantic to spend a lot of time thinking about families and friends and compatibility at that level?

花很多時間思考家庭、朋友以及在這層次的契合度，這是不是反浪漫的？

All these things, in my view, belong to a truly adequate way of surveying whether a couple should be together.

在我看來，所有這些都屬於真正充分評估一對伴侶是否應該在一起的方式。

But I'm also aware that nowadays these things are considered very unromantic.

但我也很清楚，現在這些事情被認為非常不浪漫。

To live in a romantic culture means to live in a culture that has a set of ideas about how good couples should form.

活在一個浪漫文化中，意味著活在一個有一套關於好伴侶應該如何形成的觀唸的文化中。

They should be formed by instinct, that everybody has a soulmate, that you'll recognize your soulmate by a special fluttery feeling that you shouldn't be asked to account for that feeling.

他們應該憑直覺形成，每個人都有靈魂伴侶，你會因為一種特殊的悸動感認出你的靈魂伴侶，而你不應該被要求解釋這種感覺。

You should simply go for it and marry in Vegas in two weeks if that's what seizes you.

如果你真的有這種感覺，就應該順勢而為，兩週內在拉斯維加斯結婚。

And that you should be able to communicate deeply with your partner without using language through that special medium of the heart, through the silence.

而且，你應該能夠透過心靈這個特殊的媒介，透過沉默，與你的伴侶進行深度溝通，而無需使用語言。

Also, that you shouldn't criticize your partner.

還有，你不應該批評你的伴侶。

That true partners should love each other for who they really are, which means no desire to grow or change.

真正的伴侶應該愛對方原本的樣子，這意味著沒有想成長或改變的慾望。

Couples in romantic culture will sometimes complain, you're trying to change me.

在浪漫文化中的伴侶有時會抱怨，你試圖改變我。

It's like, what, you know, you complain to your friends, my partner's trying to change me.

就像，你跟朋友抱怨，我的伴侶想改變我。

If you went to an ancient Greek, if you went to Athens in 400 B.C.

如果你回到古希臘，回到西元前 400 年的雅典。

and you said to an ancient Greek, what is love?

你問一個古希臘人，什麼是愛？

They would say, love is a process of education.

他們會說，愛是一種教育的過程。

And lovers should, of course, be able to pick each other up for things that they don't spot in one another.

而戀人當然應該能夠互相扶持，去發掘對方身上自己沒注意到的地方。

And they should be trying to develop into the best version of themselves rather than simply staying stuck in an admiration for who they are today.

並且他們應該努力讓自己成為最好的版本，而不是僅僅停留在對現狀的欣賞。

Become who you could be, not worship who you happen to be right now.

成為你可能成為的人，而不是崇拜你現在碰巧成為的樣子。

All of this sounds very strange in romantic culture, which is why relationships are so difficult in our time.

在我們破壞性的浪漫文化中，這一切聽起來都非常奇怪，這就是為什麼我們這個時代的關係如此困難。

Let's remember that a person's life satisfaction is determined by up to around 70% by the quality of their personal relationships.

讓我們記住，一個人的人生滿意度高達約 70% 取決於他們人際關係的品質。

A Martian hearing that statistic visiting planet Earth would think.

火星人聽到這個統計數據，造訪地球時會覺得。

Well, clearly Earthlings, given the enormous role of love, will be spending 70% of their money and 70% of their educational time working out how on Earth this business of love works.

嗯，顯然地球人，鑑於愛情的巨大作用，會花費 70% 的金錢和 70% 的教育時間來弄清楚這愛情是怎麼一回事。

We spend hardly any time rationally thinking about it.

我們幾乎沒有花時間理性地思考它。

None of us are made to sit through classes in attachment theory classes, in apology classes, in listening classes, in communication.

我們沒有人被要求去上依附理論課、道歉課、傾聽課、溝通課。

No, we're, you know, physics is important.

Geography is important, don't get me wrong.

地理也很重要，我不是說它不重要。

But is there no time for this, given its role in our lives?

但考慮到它在我們生活中的作用，難道沒有時間來處理這個嗎？

Do we really want to leave this to chance?

我們真的想把這一切都交給運氣嗎？

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愛情是項技能，而非感覺 | Alain de Botton：完整專訪 (Love is a skill, not a feeling | Alain de Botton: Full Interview)

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