Until now, welcome to second puberty.

直到現在，歡迎來到二次青春期！

The stage of life when you actually become an adult.

在這個階段，你將真正成為成人。

You're going to begin to notice some changes.

你會開始注意到自己的變化。

Like hair where there wasn't here before.

像是過去沒有毛髮的地方長了毛。

In your nostril, on your back, and in your ears.

鼻孔、背上、耳朵裡。

Pretty much everywhere except your head, the one place where it matters.

幾乎到處都長，除了你的頭上之外，那個唯一重要的地方。

You'll see your body blossoming into womanhood.

你會發現你的身體進入了女人階段。

Womanhood being the doughier, wrinklier version of girlhood.

更肥軟、更多皺紋的少女。

Cellulite, stretch marks, smile lines.

橘皮組織、皮膚擴張紋、魚尾紋。

That's right, smile lines. You are being punished for joy.

沒錯，魚尾紋，你因為開心遭受懲罰。

The day-to-day stress of your adult life will lead you to seek out comfort foods.

成年生活每天所要面對的壓力，會讓你想尋找食物慰藉。

Unfortunately, your new adult stomach can no longer handle delicious food,

不幸的是，你的「成人胃」已經無法再承受美味的食物了。

so you can either deal with the overwhelming cravings or diarrhea.

所以你只能試著控制自己強烈的慾望，或是吃完拉肚子。

So much diarrhea.

超常腹瀉。

That brings us to exercise. Not being fat is a ton of work now.

延伸到了運動，現在不讓自己變胖是件很費力的事了。

But with a strict regimen and a healthy diet, you might be able to transform that very chubby body into a sort of chubby body.

但有了嚴格的健康管理和飲食，你可以從超胖變成有點胖。

And all it costs is your social life.

代價就是你的社交生活。

As a man, you might start to notice you don't craze sex the way you did when you were a teenager.

身為一個男人，你會發現，你不再像青少年時那樣熱衷於性了。

This is referred to as the "dicks are assholes" phenomenon.

這被稱為「小老弟是個混蛋」現象。

You see, men reach their sexual peaks before women when their chances of getting laid are the lowest.

男人的性慾比女人更早到達頂峰，但那時卻是他們最難有上床機會的時候。

Then, their dicks slowly break over time.

然後，他們的小弟弟隨著時間慢慢不行了。

Human sexuality is essentially one big, missed high five, but that's nothing compared to fertility.

兩性的性慾其實就像揮空的擊掌，很難達到平衡，但生育的情況比這個更糟。

Which dictates that a 15-year-old girl making a mistake on prom night has a better chance of getting pregnant

意會著 15 歲女孩在舞會之夜不小心一次就中的機率，

than a 40-year-old woman actively trying to conceive with their husband.

比那些 40 處積極想和丈夫生孩子的女人還高。

In fact, fertility starts to fall off year by year after 30.

事實上，女人的生育能力在過了 30 歲後會一年比一年下降。

So start thinking about that stuff now ladies.

所以女士們，現在就開始思考這件事吧。

But why bother worrying at all? You have no idea what you're doing.

但何必煩惱呢？你根本不知道自己在幹嘛。

And anyone who's ever giving you advice is a fallible human, who could be wrong about everything.

給你意見的人也可能是錯誤百出的人，他們說的每句話都可能是錯的。

Better you just drink to forget.

不如喝一杯忘記這一切吧。

Oh-ho! But hangovers are way worse now.

但現在的宿醉會比以前糟多了！

So... did I mention you can rent a car? Uh... that's pretty cool.

我有提到你可以租車了嗎？那...蠻酷的哦。

Hey guys, it's Murph from College Humor.

嗨，我是 College Humor 的 Murph。

Click here to subscribe, here to watch more videos.

按這裡訂閱、按這裡看更多影片。

Or just say "click" out loud, and our automated system will subscribe for you.

或者你可以大喊：「按！」，我們的系統就會自動幫你訂閱。

How does it work? computers!

怎麼做到的？電腦啊！