I see.

Tell me why you'd like to be a teacher in Japan.

Well...

Japan is so quirky and unique.

Okay then...

Are you saying that you would like to visit Japan?

No, I want to teach English in Japan.

Okay.

So why do you want to specifically teach English in Japan?

Japan is cool.

I can say I lived in Japan on my Facebook page.

Do you have any experience teaching? -No.

Do you know how to make a lesson plan? -No.

Do you know how to create effective classroom handouts?

No.

Have you ever stood in front of a group of people, and talked for an hour?

Have you ever stood in front of a group of people, and talked for an hour? - No.

At the very least, you will require a diploma from a university to obtain a visa.

At the very least, you will require a diploma from a university to obtain a visa.

Have you graduated from university?

No.

But I will, next spring.

Okay. What do you study?

I am studying philosophy, with a minor in film.

That has nothing to do with English.

Or teaching...

Or Japan...

I want to expand my horizons. I want to go on an adventure.

Why not just visit Japan, instead?

Why not just visit Japan, instead?

No. I want to teach English in Japan. I want to live there!

I see.

Why do you want to live in Japan?

It's cool. I will go to ancient temples.

I will drink green tea, and visit hot springs.

I will party in Tokyo every night.

I will take artistic photos.

You plan to live in Tokyo as an English teacher?

Yes.

I will wonder the city, and explore its many wonders.

Like the move, "Lost in Translation."

I am sorry to tell you, but 95% of foreign English teachers in Japan, don't teach in Tokyo.

I can visit Tokyo on the weekends then.

You will most likely be placed in a town in bum-fuck nowhere.

Your closest McDonald's, one hour away.

Your closest super market, 30 minutes away.

Your closest super market, 30 minutes away. - I don't care.

You will have no neighbors who speak English.

Can you speak any Japanese?

No, but I have watched many different Anime.

I think I have the gist of how to speak Japanese.

Watching anime exclusively, in no way qualifies you to speak Japanese on anything more than an obnoxious level.

Watching anime exclusively, in no way qualifies you to speak Japanese on anything more than an obnoxious level.

Watching anime exclusively, in no way qualifies you to speak Japanese on anything more than an obnoxious level.

But I will make many Japanese friends.

They will teach me Japanese.

Because we are friends. - Are you familiar with...

the "uchi" and "soto" aspects of Japanese culture?

As a foreigner,

you will always be considered "soto,"

an outsider.

You will never be fully accepted as a Japanese person.

Your so-called friends will keep you at arm's length.

Your so-called friends will keep you at arm's length.

You will be invited to dinners, admired for your quirky foreigner nature,

your novelty having worn off you will not be invited again.

You will spend the winter cold and alone.

I won't be alone.

I will find a hot Japanese girl. - Do you have a girlfriend now? - No.

Are you considered overweight and fairly unattractive in your home country?

- Yes. - Then there is no reason to expect that to change in Japan.

But I heard Japanese girls are easy.

How will you communicate with a Japanese female?

Through the language of love.

She will probably speak English anyway. - So you won't bother to learn her language...

So you won't bother to learn her language...

and place the entire burden of communication upon her.

We will be in love!

Are you aware that the vast majority of Japanese women have no interest in foreigners as lovers?

Are you aware that the vast majority of Japanese women have no interest in foreigners as lovers?

The few English-speaking women you do find, will be just as desperate and

lonely for companionship as you.

Your relationship will be a disaster, full of miscommunication and empty emotions.

We will have sex everyday, and be happy.

Are you aware that Japan has the lowest incidence of monthly sex between partners?

Are you aware that Japan has the lowest incidence of monthly sex between partners?

Never mind.

You are pathetic.

Sex should not be the sole basis for a healthy relationship, anyway.

I can do the job.

I can speak English fluently. - Speaking English, and teaching English...

Speaking English, and teaching English are very different.

I will be loved by all my students.

I will change their lives with English. -If you teach at a public school...

your class size will be around forty students.

Half the students don't even want to be there.

The other half will either be too shy to speak,

or have ability so low that they cannot. - No.

I will change their lives with English.

You will often be placed with native Japanese teachers who possess little actual English ability.

You will often be placed with native Japanese teachers who possess little actual English ability.

You will often be placed with native Japanese teachers who possess little actual English ability.

They will often be too busy to meet with you about a lesson plans,

and take a little interest in you outside of the work place.

I don't care.

My students will love me.

Your students will mock your appearance at every opportunity.

If you are fat,

they will say so.

If you were a balding

they will let you know.

They will occasionally grab your genitalia or attempt to insert fingers into your butt.

They will occasionally grab your genitalia or attempt to insert fingers into your butt.

I don't care.

They will mercilessly deride you when angered.

And express utter apathy toward the entire subject of English. - I don't care.

Having no prior training,

you'll be asked to teach special needs students.

Do you feel comfortable being asked to do so?

I don't mind.

I am a special person, and I am good with people.

Well, that's good to hear.

You will need such enthusiasm in public schools.

In Japan, education is compulsory.

Every student graduates from at least middle school,

whether they like it or not.

Discipline is non-existent.

Students may often get out of hand, fight with teachers,

talk in class,

graffiti their desks,

break windows,

or otherwise cause trouble.

Then I won't teach at a public school.

I will teach at a private English conversation school.

Oh, do you mean "eikaiwa?"

Yes.

All the students will be happy to see me.

I will be the quirky, fun foreigner.

I will make a difference in the lives of students who care about English.

My English lessons will be creative and fun. -No.

You will teach strictly from a text book,

because that is the company way.

Your classes will be composed of self-entitled customers, not students.

I don't care.

Your personality will be utterly discarded as unmarketable,

in favor of your a large foreigner nose,

and your non-black hair.

Which will be paraded about at every opportunity to further drive business sales.

Which will be paraded about at every opportunity to further drive business sales.

I don't care.

Your salary will be only two-thirds of a normal teacher.

I don't care.

Your class schedule will be packed to full capacity.

And the few times when you are not teaching,

you will be given the degrading task of handing out tissues at the local train station,

further whoring your foreign persona to passersby.

I don't care.

I want to go to Japan, and experience all it has to offer.

Very well.

The first thing is has to offer is mandatory fingerprinting of foreigners at the airport terminal, upon arrival.

The first thing is has to offer is mandatory fingerprinting at the airport terminal, upon arrival.

Japanese citizens are not subject to such procedures, of course.

Japanese citizens are not subject to such procedures, of course.

Japanese citizens are not subject to such procedures, of course.

I don't mind.

I am not a terrorist.

Indeed, and you will have plenty of opportunities to explain that fact

to every police officer who sees a non-Japanese person and decides to stop them.

I don't care.

If I don't like my time there,

I can just leave and go back to my home country. - Ah yes,

So you will be breaking the terms of your employee contract,

your housing contract,

and also failing to pay any remaining taxes, bills, or rent.

And generally just being irresponsible.

I don't care.

I just need to get away from home for a while.

I just need to get away from home for a while.

I don't want to look for a career job. - I understand that you would like to Japan

I understand that you would like to Japan. I understand that you think Japan is quirky and fun.

But failing to confront your responsibilities and problems in one country,

But failing to confront your responsibilities and problems in one country,

and attempting to start over in another country,

will not help you.

Japan will not change you

or fix you

or clear your head.

You will be the same person

only more helpless.

Any mental instability,

insecurity or other worries will simply be compounded by the

stress of living in a foreign culture.

I will watch sumo wrestling, eat sushi,

shake hands with a real ninja, and have sex with hundreds of women.

You cannot convince me otherwise. - Please stay home.

Please.

Japan does not need yet another retarded foreigner.

Please.

At least learn some of the Japanese language first.

No.

I am too busy.

John madden.

John madden.

John madden.

John madden. John madden. John madden. John madden. John madden. John madden.

John madden. John madden.

-What?

Herp derp derp derp derp. Herpa derpa. Herp derp derpa.

Please... God... No...