Name: 美國撤離中東公民｜川普：大海嘯即將來臨｜伊朗戰爭是「上帝的計畫」！ (U.S. Abandons Citizens Across Middle East | Trump: The Big One Is Coming | Iran War Is "God's Plan")
Uploaded: 2026-03-04T06:15:14.000Z
Duration: 11 min 52 s

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen.

我是你們的主持人，Stephen Colbert，各位觀眾。

We are on day four of what we here at the Late show are calling a war with Iran.

我們現在進入了我們在 Late Show 稱之為「與伊朗的戰爭」的第四天。

We're trying to keep it simple because it's confusing enough already.

我們試著讓事情簡單點，因為已經夠讓人搞不清楚了。

The United States and Israel continues to bomb them, and

美國和以色列持續轟炸他們，而

Iran is launching counter strikes at the US and its allies in the region.

伊朗則對美國及其在中東的盟友發動反擊。

Yesterday, the US Embassy in Riyadh was attacked by two drones, and

昨天，美國大使館在利雅德遭到兩架無人機攻擊，

today a drone targeted the US Consulate in Dubai.

今天有架無人機鎖定了杜拜的美國領事館。

Thankfully, there were no injuries from the attack, but the State Department is taking no chances.

幸好這次攻擊沒有造成人員傷亡，但國務院不敢掉以輕心。

They say Americans should depart now via commercial means from Bahrain, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Israel, the occupied west bank and Gaza, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Syria, the United Arab Emirates and Yemen.

他們說，美國人應該立即透過商業班機離開巴林、埃及、伊朗、伊拉克、以色列、被佔領的約旦河西岸和加薩、約旦、科威特、黎巴嫩、阿曼、卡達、沙烏地阿拉伯、敘利亞、阿拉伯聯合大公國和葉門。

There's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan was demonstrated.

有敘利亞、黎巴嫩、以色列、約旦被展示了。

Depending on the country, flights out of the Middle east have been either extreme, extremely limited or stopped entirely.

根據不同國家，中東的班機要嘛極度、極度受限，不然就是完全停飛了。

And earlier today, multiple US Embassies told Americans they cannot evacuate or help them get out of the Middle East.

而且今天稍早，美國好幾個大使館都告訴美國人，他們無法撤離或協助他們離開中東。

But if they can't leave, then what are they supposed to do?

但如果他們不能離開，那他們該怎麼辦？

We all know why that took Moses 40 years.

我們都知道摩西為什麼花了四十年。

It's increasingly clear that this administration did not put a lot of thought into into what happens after the initial boom.

越來越清楚的是，這個政府並沒有仔細思考過最初爆炸之後會發生什麼事。

Insiders of the Pentagon are warning that if the fighting goes on too long, US Air defense stockpiles could run out.

國防部內部人士警告，如果戰鬥持續太久，美國的防空武器庫可能會耗盡。

That's like the USA running out of pumpable cheese.

這就像美國用光了可以打出來的起司一樣。

Earlier today, Trump insisted everything's fine, saying we have unlimited of the Middle and upper Middle ammunition and things.

今天早些時候，川普堅持說一切都很好，他說我們有無限量的中彈和上彈彈藥和物品。

I buy all my weaponry from ammunition and things.

我所有的武器都是從彈藥和物品那裡買的。

If the US does run out of ammo, that would be a problem because Trump claims we haven't even started hitting them hard.

如果美國真的彈藥耗盡，那就會是個問題，因為川普聲稱我們還沒開始狠狠打擊他們。

Run to Times Square and have sex with the first person you see.

跑到時代廣場，跟看到的第個人發生關係。

Because I'm asking for a friend was kind of a weird thing for Spider Man.

因為「我問我朋友」這句話對蜘蛛人來說有點奇怪。

It's important to remember that Trump has pledged for years to keep the US out of new wars.

要記得川普多年來一直承諾讓美國退出新的戰爭，這點很重要。

So it's no wonder that voters aren't jumping automatically on board here.

所以選民沒有自動支持，這也不意外。

According to a new CNN poll, 59% of Americans disapprove of the Iran strikes.

根據最新的 CNN 民調，59% 的美國人不支持對伊朗的攻擊。

But what if Americans found out that God wanted this war cause According to more than 100 grievances from US military personnel stationed at dozens of sites across the Middle East, US Commanders have told troops that President Trump is, quote, anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth.

但如果美國人發現這是上帝想要的戰爭呢？根據在中東數十個地點駐守的美國軍事人員提出的 100 多項申訴，美國指揮官告訴部隊，川普總統是「被耶穌揀選」來點燃伊朗的訊號火，引發末日審判，並標誌著他重返地球。

If the end times are near and the Rapture is coming, it's time to dust off my famous easy Jeezy helmet with the the no slip rapture grip.

如果末日快到了，而且大劫難即將來臨，是時候拿出我那有防滑大劫難握把的、我超有名的「Jeezy 輕鬆帽」了。

So the Lord can yank me straight into heaven.

這樣上帝就能把我直接拉進天堂。

Okay, this is back for a limited time only.

好的，這個又回來了，限時供應喔。

Just remember Jesus, lift with the legs gets magic hair.

記得耶穌喔，用腿出力，頭髮就會變魔法。

A source said that one commander had a big grin on his face when he said all of this, which made this message seem even more crazy.

有消息人士說，一位指揮官說這些話的時候臉上掛著大大的笑容，這讓這個訊息聽起來更瘋狂了。

Trump is anointed by God and we're all going to die.

川普是上帝選的，我們都會死。

Clearly Trump is aware that this is not polling well because he posted if I didn't terminate Obama's horrendous Iran nuclear deal, Jack Poa Iran would have a nuclear weapon three years ago.

川普很明顯知道這件事民調不高，因為他發文說，如果我沒有終止歐巴馬那個糟糕透頂的伊朗核協議，傑克波伊朗三年前就已經有核武了。

That is the most dangerous transaction we have ever entered into.

那絕對是我們簽過最危險的交易。

And had it been allowed to stand, the world would be an entirely different place right now.

而且如果讓它繼續下去，現在的世界將會完全不一樣。

You can blame Barack Hussein Obama and sleepy Joe Biden.

這都要怪巴拉克·海珊·歐巴馬和瞌睡喬·拜登。

Look, at a certain point, you don't get to blame your predecessors anymore or your predecessor's predecessor.

聽著，到某個時候，你就不能再怪你的前任或前任的前任了。

If I have a joke that doesn't work, which never happens, you don't see me saying thanks a lot, David Hussein Letterman and sleepy Ed Sullivan.

如果我開了一個不好笑的笑話，雖然這從來不會發生，你不會看到我說，非常感謝，大衛·海珊·萊特曼和瞌睡艾德·蘇利文。

One reason this war is not doing baffo box office might be that the administration does not have a unified message about why they launched it and what the goal of the war might be.

這場戰爭票房不佳的原因之一，可能是因為政府對於發動戰爭的原因和戰爭的目標，並沒有一個統一的說法。

Normally the President addresses the nation from the Oval offices in times of war.

在戰爭時期，總統通常會在橢圓辦公室向全國發表談話。

Instead he's done some hodgepodge of at least 19 phone interviews just answering his phone for some reporters, including one who said he picked up right away.

取而代之的是，他進行了至少 19 次電話採訪，隨便接聽記者的電話，其中一位記者說他馬上就接了。

And when I said I had a few questions, he said, go ahead.

當我說我有些問題時，他說，請講。

喔，垃圾郵件，很可能是垃圾郵件。

Why, yes, I would like to extend my vehicle's warranty while I have you.

喔，既然打電話來了，我很想延長我的汽車保固。

Would you like to be Iran's next support Supreme Leader Ayatollah Likely?

你想成為伊朗下一任最高領袖阿亞圖拉．萊克利嗎？