Name: 好男人都去哪了？ (“Where Are All The Good Men At?”)
Uploaded: 2025-12-08T05:08:40.000Z
Duration: 14 min 5 s

程度副詞

我覺得我寫了一篇很勁爆的文章。

情態副詞

Is pop culture teaching women to choose emotionally unavailable men?

流行文化是不是在教導女性選擇情緒上難以捉摸的男性？

What's the weirdest propaganda that you feel like movies have tried to push on you in your lifetime?

在你生命中，你覺得電影最奇怪的宣傳是什麼？

For me, I grew up with tons and tons of movies that kept saying that the worst thing a man could be is a grown up.

對我來說，我從小看很多電影，一直說男人最糟糕的樣子就是長不大。

You'd see a love triangle of romances where the guy you're supposed to be rooting against, his only sin is that he's kind of normal, he's got a job and stuff.

你會看到一個三角戀，你應該不支持的那個男生的唯一罪過就是他有點正常，他有工作什麼的。

But then some other guy, a bad boy, would come along and it doesn't matter that he sleeps in his car or if both of the guys are financially stable, you're supposed to root for the one that is less emotionally stable, the one that's more childlike.

但另一個壞男孩出現了，就算他睡在車上，或者兩個男生都財務穩定，你還是應該支持那個情緒比較不穩定、比較孩子氣的。

Jason Pargan just broke my brain with this insight.

Jason Pargan 這個見解真的顛覆我的認知。

Like modern romance culture isn't just telling stories, it's shaping selection criteria across movies, media, even mainstream dating advice.

像是現代愛情文化不只是在說故事，它還在形塑選擇標準，涵蓋電影、媒體，甚至主流約會建議。

Women are being subtly conditioned to seek out emotional unavailability and volatility as signs of desirability.

女性在一代一代的傳播中，被潛移默化地訓練去尋找情緒上的難以捉摸和情緒不穩定，認為這是吸引力的象徵。

And the result is a generation of women confusing conflict with compatibility and drama with depth and brokenness with mystery.

結果就是，這一代女性將衝突誤認為是契合，將戲劇化誤認為是深度，將破碎誤認為是神祕。

Rather than choosing partners based on emotional maturity or shared values or long term compatibility, many are drawn to conflict, aloofness and unavailability.

與其根據情緒成熟度、共同價值觀或長期契合度來選擇伴侶，許多人卻被衝突、冷漠和難以捉摸所吸引。

It's the he's hard to love, but I can fix him.

這就是「他很難愛，但我可以改變他」的劇本。

Fantasy repackaged and repackaged in everything from films to novels.

這種幻想不斷地被重新包裝，出現在從電影到小說的各種作品裡。

In the Notebook, Ali chooses Noah, the poor, impulsive, deeply emotional man, over Lon, her secure and respectable fiance.

在《手札情緣》中，艾莉選擇了窮困、衝動、情感豐富的諾亞，而不是她那穩定且受人尊敬的未婚夫朗。

Stability is boring and true love is obsessive, chaotic and all consuming.

穩定是無聊的，而真愛是令人著迷、混亂且吞噬一切的。

In Titanic, the scene that makes you like Jack more than Rose's wealthy fiance, Cal, is that for fun?

在《鐵達尼號》中，讓妳更喜歡傑克而不是蘿絲的富裕未婚夫卡爾的那個場景，是因為好玩嗎？

Cal just sits and has quiet conversations with his friends, whereas Jack has fun with big, loud parties.

卡爾只是安靜地跟朋友坐著哈拉，而傑克卻是舉辦盛大、吵鬧的派對來找樂子。

And the movie portrays this as him living more authentically or living life to its fullest.

而電影將此描繪成他活得更真實，或是活得更淋漓盡致。

But really he's just living like a teenager.

但實際上，他只是像個青少年一樣活著。

He has nothing to offer Rose in terms of reliability or safety.

他在可靠性或安全性方面，都無法給予蘿絲任何東西。

Yet this brief, fiery connection is portrayed as more authentic than anything she could have had with a professional fiance.

然而，這短暫而熾熱的連結，卻被描繪成比她與一位專業未婚夫所能擁有的任何事物都更真實。

In In Twilight, Edward Cullen is dangerous and obsessive and emotionally tortured, and

在《暮光之城》裡，愛德華·庫倫是危險、偏執且飽受情感折磨的，

that is precisely what makes him desirable.

而這正是他如此有吸引力的原因。

Bella's rejection of Jacob, who's warm and grounded, underscores the trope, right?

貝拉拒絕了溫暖且腳踏實地的雅各，這正好突顯了這個陳腔濫調，對吧？

Beauty and the Beast takes it even further by literalizing the fantasy.

《美女與野獸》更是將這個幻想具象化。

Love turns rage and violence into virtue.

愛情將憤怒和暴力轉化為美德。

Similarly, A Star Is Born presents Ally's rise and Jackson, Maine's spiral as tragically intertwined.

同樣地，《一個巨星的誕生》將艾莉的崛起和傑克森·梅恩的沉淪描繪成悲劇性地糾纏在一起。

Her love is deepened, not diminished, by how much he unravels.

她的愛，因為他越是失控，反而越深厚，而非減弱。

This is a twist on something called the Byronic Hero.

這是一種對所謂「拜倫式英雄」的詮釋。

It's a literary archetype based on the Persona of poet Lord Byron.

這是一個基於詩人拜倫勳爵人格特質的文學原型。

He's usually emotionally isolated or unavailable.

他通常在情感上孤立或難以捉摸。

He's often morally ambiguous or anti heroic.

He's at odds with society or authority, possesses a tragic past or trauma.

他與社會或權威格格不入，擁有一段悲慘的過去或創傷。

And women are often drawn to him despite his destructiveness.

而女性往往被他吸引，儘管他具有破壞性。

Even modern women's advice keeps repackaging difficult as Passionate Teen Vogue runs headlines like Super Bad, why are Smart girls drawn to Bad Boys?

即使是現代女性的建議，也一直在重新包裝「難搞」這個概念，像是 Teen Vogue 的標題寫著「超級壞，為什麼聰明的女生會被壞男孩吸引？」

The sun gushes about why the sexiest stars go for the bad men.

太陽報大肆報導為什麼最性感的大明星都愛壞男人。

The takeaway is if he's cold, complicated or broken, he must be worth it.

結論就是，如果他冷漠、複雜或受過傷，那他一定很值得。

安全感是乏味的，而痛苦卻是性感的。

There's a neuroscience trick being played on us all here, though.

但其實這裡有個神經科學的把戲在玩弄我們。

Things that are valuable are often hard to get.

But just because something is hard to get does not mean it's valuable, which is why scarcity and unavailability are often mistaken for worth.

但東西難得到，並不代表它就珍貴，這就是為什麼稀缺性和難以捉摸常常被誤認為是價值。

Romance stories reward the woman who wins the affection of the aloof or emotionally damaged man.

愛情故事會獎勵那些贏得冷漠或情緒受損男人的青睞的女人。

The harder he is to access, the more meaningful his eventual affection feels in reality.

他越難以親近，他最終的愛意在現實中就感覺越有意義。

Sure, perhaps there is a noble savage who can be saved by the right woman, but

當然，或許有一個高貴的野蠻人可以被對的女人拯救，但

realistically, this just prioritizes partners who are not capable of commitment over ones who already are put together and ready to go.

實際上，這只是讓那些無法承諾的對象，比那些已經準備好、隨時可以投入關係的對象，更受重視。

通常來說，欲擒故縱並不是愛。

It's emotional immaturity masquerading as romantic spark.

這是情緒不成熟，卻偽裝成浪漫火花。

The problem is that intermittent reinforcement is the exact mechanism that drives addiction.

問題是，間歇性增強正是驅動成癮的機制。

Variable schedule Reward is the bullseye of dopamine.

變動時程的獎勵，正是多巴胺的目標。

It's how slot machines work and why social media is so compelling.

這就是吃角子老虎的運作方式，也是社群媒體如此引人入勝的原因。

Our brain says if something is scarce, it must be more precious.

我們的大腦會說，如果某樣東西稀少，那它一定更珍貴。

And we take this economic dynamic into our love lives.

而我們卻把這種經濟學的動態，帶入了我們的愛情生活。

So if someone stops texting us or we feel like they're drifting all of a sudden, our brain says they must be important.

所以如果有人突然不回我們訊息，或是我們覺得他們好像在疏遠，我們的大腦就會說他們一定很重要。

If they say, here I am, I genuinely like you and very much want to commit, our brains respond with what's wrong with you?

如果對方說「我來了，我真心喜歡你，而且很想穩定下來」，我們的大腦就會回應「你怎麼了？」

If you treat me like crap and you're in and out of my life and you text me a bit and then you go cold and I don't hear from you, Many people think they might be the one.

如果你對我差，忽進忽出我的生活，傳點訊息給我然後又冷淡消失，很多人會覺得他們可能是對的那個人。

It is no coincidence that so many modern relationships do not begin with mutual understanding, but

很多現代的關係並不是從互相理解開始，而是

We have taught women to interpret emotional inconsistency as romantic tension to pursue the man who offers breadcrumbs of affection instead of consistent support to believe that love is meant to be hard earned, not freely given.

我們教導女性將情緒上的難以捉摸解讀為浪漫的張力，去追求那個只給予零星關愛、而非穩定支持的男人，去相信愛情應該是辛苦爭取來的，而不是輕鬆獲得的。

It normalizes dysfunction, it rewires attraction around trauma, it sidelines healthy men and glorifies emotionally stunted ones, and

它讓失調正常化，它讓吸引力圍繞創傷重塑，它讓健康的男性靠邊站，卻歌頌那些情緒不成熟的男人，而且

it leaves women feeling like emotional burnout is the price that they have to pay for passion.

它讓女性覺得情緒耗竭是她們為了熱情必須付出的代價。

Emotionally mature, transparently keen, and

immediately available men are ignored in place of someone who amounts to little more than an effective dopamine trigger.

那些隨時可以得到的男人被忽略了，取而代之的是那些僅僅是有效的多巴胺觸發器。

This is why so many guys have so little sympathy for the where are all of the good men at question?

這就是為什麼這麼多男人對「好男人都去哪了？」這個問題沒什麼同情心。

Whether it's through painful personal experience or by being subliminally reminded of it in pop culture, men who are ready to commit are fearful of doing so because they've noticed that many women seem to like them more and soften up when they're mistreated and kept guessing.

無論是透過痛苦的個人經驗，還是被流行文化潛移默化地提醒，那些準備好承諾的男人因為注意到許多女人似乎在被虐待和猜測時更喜歡他們、態度更軟化，所以害怕承諾。

I saw this comment from a guy on Instagram which encapsulates this perfectly.

我在 Instagram 上看到一位男士的評論，完美地概括了這一點。

He said, I'm trapped in a generation where I don't know whether to buy her flowers or ignore her to get her to like me.

他說，我被困在一個世代，不知道該送她花還是忽略她才能讓她喜歡我。

Men will do what women demand of them in order to get laid.

男人為了上床會做女人要求他們做的事。

Women set the standards for sexual and men meet them.

女人設定性方面的標準，男人則去迎合。

He says, although this might be considered an unflattering characterization, we have found no evidence to contradict the basic general principle that men will do whatever is required in order to obtain sex, and

他說，雖然這可能被認為是一種不討喜的描述，但我們沒有發現任何證據可以反駁這個基本原則：男人為了得到性會做任何必要的事，而且

One of us characterized this in previous work as if women would stop sleeping with jerks, men would stop being jerks.

我們其中一人先前的工作將此描述為，如果女人們不再跟混蛋上床，男人們就會停止當混蛋。

If, in order to obtain sex, men must become pillars of the community, or lie or amass riches by fair means or foul, or be romantic or be funny, then men will do precisely that.

如果男人為了得到性，必須成為社區的支柱，或說謊，或用不正當手段累積財富，或變得浪漫或風趣，那麼男人就會精準地做到。

So similarly, if men need to be broken, flaky, non committal, and

同樣地，如果男人需要變得破碎、不可靠、不承諾、

inconsistent, they will meet these standards appropriately.

且前後不一，他們就會適當地達到這些標準。

Women's mate choices, modern romance culture and girl magazines are not at fault for emotionally unavailable behavior in men, but

女人選擇伴侶、現代愛情文化和女性雜誌並不是男人情緒上難以捉摸的行為的錯，但

they're not totally unrelated to it either.

What is needed is a clearer picture of healthy connection.

我們需要的是對健康連結更清晰的描繪。

Alain de Botton had this wonderful insight where he said, it can take a very long time indeed for some of us to come to a highly basic sounding realization.

Alain de Botton 有一個很棒的見解，他說，有些人可能需要非常長的時間才能達到一個聽起來非常基本的體悟。

We should only contemplate going out with people who are very enthusiastic about us from the start, without the need for persuasion, without any call for begging or chasing or strategic withholding of affection or visits to therapy, just plainly and simply keen open and ready from the get go.

我們應該只考慮和那些一開始就對我們非常熱衷的人約會，不需要說服，不需要懇求或追求或策略性地保留感情或去看心理諮商，只是單純、直接、開放且從一開始就準備好。

We may tolerate a prospective partner who tells us that they like us a lot but that they will be only available to see us again in a month, or someone who casually mentions they are presently trying to decide between us and three other suitors, or a compelling career abroad, or someone who can never bring themselves to initiate sex or hold our hand in public.

我們可能會容忍一個準伴侶告訴我們他們非常喜歡我們，但只能一個月後才能再見面，或者有人隨口提到他們目前正在猶豫要選我們還是另外三個追求者，或者一個誘人的國外職涯，或者一個從來無法主動發生性行為或在公開場合牽我們手的人。

A bit deeper into our relationships, we may similarly not spot that it might be less than ideal to be trying to convince someone that they should go to therapy so that they'll finally see that they want us or that we are in fact just as much fun to spend Saturday evenings with as their friends are.

深入探討我們的關係，我們可能同樣沒有意識到，試圖說服某人去看心理諮商，好讓他們最終發現他們想要我們，或者發現我們和他們的朋友一樣有趣，適合共度週六晚上，這可能不是一個理想的狀況。

To cut through the nonsense, we may be in need of a robust awakening.

為了釐清這些胡說八道，我們可能需要一次徹底的覺醒。

The only person we should for a moment ever contemplate being with is someone who at the start of the journey can already be at the table with a conviction to match our own.

我們唯一應該短暫考慮在一起的人，是那個在旅程一開始就能帶著與我們相當的決心，坐在桌邊的人。

We can be forgiven for being for a long time deeply charmed by all the others, those who are coy and troubled, those who don't reply to our messages, and

我們可能會被那些其他人長久以來深深吸引，那些矜持又煩惱、不回覆我們訊息的人，

those whose difficult childhoods render them enchantingly off kilter.

還有那些因為艱難的童年而顯得迷人又有點怪異的人，這都可以被原諒。

But this is a game we can in the end ill afford it is not love if you need to keep messaging and they rarely reply.

但這是一場我們最終無法承受的遊戲，如果你需要不斷傳訊息而對方卻很少回覆，那就不是愛。

It is not love if they are evasive or surreptitiously liking someone else's posts.

如果他們閃爍其詞或偷偷喜歡別人的貼文，那就不是愛。

It is not love if they get defensive or describe your legitimate requirements for attention as too intense.

如果他們變得防禦性，或者將你對關注的合理要求描述得太過分，那就不是愛。

We need to get the wavering, defended ones out of our lives immediately, and

我們需要立即將那些猶豫不決、防禦心重的人請出我們的生活，

that will mean ejecting the majority of people that we meet.

這意味著要淘汰我們遇到的絕大多數人。

字幕列表影片播放

好男人都去哪了？ (“Where Are All The Good Men At?”)

commitment

genuinely

guarantee

trauma