Name: 手機讓戀愛變更容易，還是更折磨？心理學揭露殘酷的答案 (Anxious and Avoidant couples and their Phones)
Uploaded: 2025-11-29T21:01:30.000Z
Duration: 5 min 17 s

It's a measure of how quickly our phones have changed our lives that we are collectively still struggling to understand the powerful role they play in our relationships,

我們的手機改變生活的速度之快，如今仍讓我們集體困惑——它們在親密關係中扮演的強大角色。

關係子句

and in particular, the special chaos and agony that can emerge from the falsely innocuous, tangled, and

尤其是，它們帶來的那種看似無害、實則混亂而痛苦的糾結——

yet in reality, infinitely complicated business of what we too casually know as texting.

也就是我們太過輕忽地稱為「傳訊息」的那件，無限複雜的事情。

For most of human history, contact between parted lovers had a real simplicity to it.

在人類大部分歷史中，分離的戀人之間的聯繫其實非常單純。

One took one's leave at the platform or harbourside in London or Amsterdam, Cape Town or Sydney, and

人們在倫敦、阿姆斯特丹、開普敦或雪梨的月台或港口告別後，

then had no option other than to wait for weeks, possibly months or even years, to hear from the beloved again.

便只能等待數週、數月，甚至數年，才能再次收到心上人的消息。

It made for a deep but also unavoidable and entirely impersonal kind of sorrow.

那是一種深刻、但無法避免、而且完全沒有個人色彩的哀傷。

One was forced to miss the other person at a rate and rhythm sharply constrained by geography and technology,

人們被迫用地理與科技所限制的速度與節奏去思念彼此，

by the length of time a coach took to negotiate the St. Bernard Pass or a schooner to sail the Straits of Gibraltar.

受限於馬車穿越聖伯納隘口、或帆船航過直布羅陀海峽的時間長短。

The situation has been transformed for modern lovers, for better and very much for worse.

但對現代戀人而言，情況完全改變了，好的部分與壞的部分一樣巨大。

By offering us constant, seamless contact,

透過提供我們持續且無縫的聯繫，

our phones have simultaneously opened us up to perpetually renewed opportunities for doubt,  disconnection and anguish, speculations as to the loyalty and interest of the other person.

手機同時讓我們暴露在源源不絕的疑慮、疏離、痛苦，以及對對方忠誠與興趣的猜測之中。

Exchanges have become live, ceaseless referenda on our worth and value.

每一次互動都變成了關於自我價值的即時、永無止境的公投。

When divorce lawyers are nowadays called in and assets coldly spit up,

如今當離婚律師介入、資產冷漠地被分割時，

the true cause is often an irreconcilable, hard-to-mention drama about read receipts and the dance of those three blinking dots.

真正的原因往往是那些難以啟齒、但不可調和的劇情：已讀回覆、以及那三個閃爍的小點點的舞蹈。

The phone has, in particular, grown into a source of suffering for those pained characters known to psychological theory as the anxiously attached on the one hand and the avoidantly attached on the other.

手機，尤其成為心理學上所稱的「焦慮型依附」與「逃避型依附」人格的痛苦來源。

The former are dominated by a fear that they are never loved enough.

前者總是被「我不夠被愛」的恐懼支配。

The latter live in terror that they are about to lose their autonomy and independence to the demands of an all engulfing partner.

後者則害怕自己的自主與獨立會被一個需求龐大且佔有慾強的伴侶吞沒。

In these fevered, anxious, avoidant couplings, one person is forever feeling abandoned, the other overwhelmed and criticized.

在這些焦慮與逃避交織的關係裡，一方永遠感到被丟下，另一方永遠覺得被逼迫、被批評。

In the olden days, such tensions were tempered by technological limits.

過去，這些緊張被科技的限制自然地緩和。

When there was only the occasional mail coach or carrier pigeon to deal with,

當時人們只能依賴偶爾的郵差或信鴿，

an anxiously attached person could take silence at face value,

焦慮型的人還能把沉默視為沉默本身。

while their avoidantly attached partner had only a single letter or two to write every month.

而逃避型的人每個月只要回一兩封信就夠了。

But now, the anxious must always wonder, with mounting alarm,

但如今，焦慮者必須永遠帶著越來越大的不安去想：

why they haven't at 18:03 received an answer to the three messages they sent at 17:56;

為什麼對方在18:03 還沒回覆他們在17:56 傳的三則訊息？

whereas the avoidant must wonder with equal sadness and fury why it can't be enough to have told their partner they loved them 14 hours ago,

而逃避者則同樣痛苦又憤怒地想：我明明 14 小時前就跟他說「我愛你」了，為什麼這還不夠？

and not to have looked at a single notification since then.

為什麼我不能連一則通知都不看？

Part of the difficulty lies, as ever, in each party recognizing the legitimacy of their pain and their right to make a polite, well-articulated fuss about so-called but not in fact small things.

困難的一部分，在於雙方都要承認自己的痛是正當的，並且有權利禮貌、清楚地表達那些所謂的「小事」其實一點也不小。

In a better-arranged world, lovers would formally be told that the business of texting sat upon a hugely significant area of their relationship.

在一個更良好的世界裡，戀人會被正式告知：傳訊息，是他們關係中極為關鍵的環節。

They wouldn't be left to find out for themselves how much it can hurt to wait for a line overnight, or alternatively, how suffocating it can feel to have to type out a reply under emotional duress.

他們不會被迫自己摸索：等待一個夜裡的訊息有多痛，或在情緒壓力下硬擠出一則回覆有多窒息。

They would be guided to acknowledge their distinctive patterns of communication and articulate them calmly and kindly from the first.

他們會被引導去了解彼此獨特的溝通模式，並從一開始就冷靜、友善地說清楚。

Lovers on early dates might find themselves discussing texting styles with the earnestness with which they would otherwise consider plans for children or aspirations around career and money,

剛開始約會的戀人，會像討論是否生小孩、職涯或財務規劃那樣認真地討論彼此的傳訊息風格，

covering how often they should send messages, what a comfortable waiting time might be, and

例如多久傳一次訊息、合理的等待時間、以及

how many kisses should fairly appear at the end of a goodbye.

道別時應該加幾個「親親符號」才算公平。

There might at the same time be more readiness to explore the ways in which certain genuinely immature and unfinished sides of our personalities can show up in our texting habits.

同時，人們也會更願意探討：我們不成熟、尚未完成發展的那一面，如何透過訊息習慣暴露出來。

We might admit that there are times when we unfairly try to remedy a sense of emptiness by pressing for ever more contact,

我們可能承認，有時我們會為了填補心裡的空洞，不公平地逼迫對方給更多聯繫。

or almost will a partner to let us down in their texting habits so that we can fall back on the peculiar comforts of loneliness and pessimism with which we're most at home.

甚至，會在心裡暗自希望對方用訊息讓我們失望，這樣我們就能回到自己最熟悉的孤獨與悲觀中。

Just as we might, with equal bravery, admit to taking a certain cruel delight in not answering a partner we know desperately depends on us

同樣地，我們也可能勇敢承認：自己有時會殘忍地故意不回訊息，只因為對方太依賴我們——

as a way of sadistically exorcising a dependence on a parent who disappointed us as toddlers.

藉此報復、或排解童年時被父母失望所留下的依附傷口。

As with so many new technologies, our phones surreptitiously worsen our already existing weaknesses.

如同許多新科技，我們的手機悄悄放大了我們本來的弱點。

Like processed sugar for the greedy or porn for the lustful,

如同貪吃者的糖、或好色者的色情內容，

they play havoc with the minds of the insecurely or defensively attached and require equal foresight and self-protection.

它們摧亂不安全依附或防禦型依附者的心，並需要同等的遠見與自我保護。

The road to living more easily around our phones begins with a frank acknowledgement of the momentous challenges they present us with.

想更自在地與手機共處，第一步是坦誠承認它們帶來的巨大挑戰。

We should be compassionate enough to ourselves to appreciate what an achievement it is to enjoy a calm texting life with a partner

我們應該對自己多一點慈悲，理解：能和伴侶擁有一段平靜的訊息互動，是多了不起的成就，

and how much careful work we may still need to do to achieve one.

而要達到那樣的境界，我們仍需要多少努力。