I wanna be number one.

我想當第一

That's right.

這就對了

Keith first.

Keith 先來

- Keith first. - Keith first.

-Keith 你先吃 -Keith 第一個吃唷

(laughs)

(笑)

I want to be number one.

人家想要當第一名

Today we're gonna eat like Donald Trump

今天我們要吃得像川普

for all of our meals.

每一餐都是

Mm-hmm.

沒錯

For breakfast, we have an Egg McMuffin

早餐吃個滿福堡

and a Diet Coke with a straw

用吸管喝杯健怡可樂

and no coffee.

然後不要咖啡

(somber music)

(憂鬱的音樂)

(groans)

(抱怨)

It's good.

不錯吃啦

How many Diet Cokes?

有幾杯健怡可樂啊？

Are we having one with every meal?

每餐都要喝一杯嗎？

You're having twelve.

要喝十二杯

What, I'm not drinking 12.

什麼！我才不要喝十二杯！

I don't drink 12 glasses of water.

我連水都不會喝到十二杯

Uh uh.

我也不會

Does he just have it, like, in an IV bag?

他是怎樣，把可樂裝在輸液袋裡嗎？

(burps) (sighs)

(打嗝) (嘆氣)

I've eaten half of this and I wanna take a nap.

我吃一半就開始想睡了

This truly is fine dining.

這確實是不錯的用餐方式

Mm-hm

沒錯

You know, it's fine.

你知道的，就蠻好的啦

Think we're gonna go get back to work

現在我們要回去工作囉

and then we'll come back

等等會再回來

and have some delicious lunch.

享用美味的午餐

I'm excited.

我很興奮唷

How are you drinking that?

你怎麼喝得下去啊？

I hate myself.

我就討厭自己嘛

(lively horn music)

(活潑的號角音樂)

Sir...

先生...

- Please enjoy. - What the fuck is this?

- 請用 - 這是什麼鬼東西？

Why bother drinking a sugar-free beverage if you're just gonna eat sugar next to it?

如果都要吃甜的了，幹嘛還喝無糖飲料？

How is it?

味道如何？

Dry...like my soul.

像...我的靈魂一樣乾

Well, it's lunchtime.

午餐時間到了

Lunch.

午餐唷

We had our three cookie snack.

我們吃了三塊餅乾當點心

Mm-hmm, delicious.

沒錯，好好吃

I've got two Diet Cokes on my table.

桌上有兩杯健怡可樂

What have we got today for lunch?

今天午餐吃什麼呢？

Okay.

好喔

(lively horn music)

(活潑的號角音樂)

- Wow. - Wow.

- 天啊 - 天啊

Wow.

喔天啊

Two Big Macs, two fish fillets.

兩個大麥克、兩個麥香魚堡

Remove bread from sandwiches,

把堡上的麵包都拿掉

add lots of ketchup,

淋上超多番茄醬

eat with knife and fork

並用刀叉進食

or

或是

pizza.

披薩

Scrape all toppings off and only eat that,

只吃上面刮下來的配料

eat with knife and fork.

並用刀叉進食

No, no,

不、不

- Why are you taking my bread? - Wait, what?

- 幹嘛把我的麵包拿走啊？ - 等等，是怎樣？！

Why get a Big Mac if you take the bread away?

如果不想吃麵包，幹嘛點大麥克啊！

That's kind of the special part of the Big Mac.

麵包也算是大麥克的亮點啊

I'm taking that lettuce back.

我要把生菜拿回來

No, Aria don't do it.

Aria 停下來啊！

Oh, God.

老天啊

No!

不！

Look at how he gooped out

看看他到底

all the ketchup into little dollops.

怎麼把番茄醬擠成小塊狀的

It's cute but it's aggressive.

蠻可愛的，但也很有侵略性的感覺

No, I'm hungry.

不！我好餓啊！

That's like nothing.

這根本有吃沒吃都一樣

This is not a meal.

這不算是一餐

It's a beautiful treat.

這很美好呀

No, you're taking the bread away.

你要把麵包拿走了

No.

不要啊

How can you eat things like this?

這些東西你怎麼吃得下去？

You want this?

這喝這個嗎

Thank you.

多謝了

This is how babies eat.

這是嬰兒在吃的

- That's a large baby. - This is what babies eat.

- 還是個巨嬰呢 - 嬰兒都吃這種東西

This is how babies eat.

嬰兒都這樣吃的

Babies eat ketchup

他們吃番茄醬

and they eat frozen food that's been baked.

還有加熱的冷凍食品

Do we have any more?

還有嗎？

Alright that's enough sludge after this, monsieur.

好了先生，泥狀物已經夠了喔

I think you need more. You just need one more.

我覺得不夠，你需要再多一點

No more, no sir, no thank you, sir.

這樣就可以了，謝謝你

There's so much ketchup on my plate.

我盤子上有好多番茄醬

You want more ketchup?

要更多番茄醬嗎？

No.

不要

I'm fucking hungry, okay.

我快餓死了

I'm sorry for being very aggressive right now in this moment.

很抱歉我現在侵略性這麼強

I need

我

the

要

fucking food.

食物啊！

Like, I'm not full.

我根本不飽

You ate a lot, though and I'm proud of you.

吃得真多，以你為榮

(burps)

(打嗝)

(laughing)

(笑)

- My nose is running. - He's going through a lot.

- 我在流鼻水了 - 他經歷了很多

He's going through a lot.

他經歷太多了

Oh, my God, why is this happening?

老天啊！現在發生什麼事了？

Aria, Aria.

等等 Aria

Blow, blow, that's good.

擤、擤，很好

I am baby.

我就是個嬰兒啊

(burps)

(打嗝)

You're killing my friend.

你殺了我朋友

Well, we'll see you in a little bit

我們等等見吧

when you bring us some more delicious food.

只要你帶更好吃的食物來

Bye.

拜拜

Need some water.

我要水

You want some Diet Coke?

你要健怡可樂嗎？

No.

不要！

(lively horn music)

(活潑的號角音樂)

It's the middle of the work day and I still have all of these fucking Diet Cokes. I feel like shit. I wonder how Keith's doing.

現在是工作中，而我依然喝著這些該死的健怡可樂，感覺糟透了！我好奇 Keith 現在感覺如何？

Feel like garbage.

感覺糟透了

I got a headache.

我頭好痛

Can't have any more Diet Coke, I'm gonna die.

無法再喝健怡可樂了，要死啦

Excuse me, sir. Your afternoon Diet Cokes.

先生抱歉打擾了，這是您的下午茶健怡可樂

(groans)

(抱怨)

What?

啥？

(lively horn music)

(活潑的號角音樂)

(can snaps)

(打開易開罐)

(lively horn music)

(活潑的號角音樂)

I really just really need some water.

我真的只想喝水啊

I will get you some water.

我給您倒些水來

I haven't had any water.

我到現在都還沒喝半滴水

Well, does Trump drink water?

川普到底喝不喝水啊？

Thank you.

謝囉

(slurps loudly)

(大聲地喝水)

It's dinner time.

晚餐時間到啦

It's dinner time.

晚餐囉

(lively horn music)

(活潑的號角音樂)

(surprised exclaiming)

(驚喜地歡呼)

Well-done steak with tureens of gravy,

全熟牛排配上一個湯碗的肉汁

bacon crumble salad

培根丁沙拉

to be slathered with roquefort dressing.

上面塗上一層厚厚的羅克福乾酪

I'm a ranch bitch.

老娘就是農村女孩

I'm also a ranch bitch.

人家也是農村女孩

I haven't had a well-done steak in over a decade.

我都超過十年沒吃過全熟牛排了

How much sauce does this guy ingest?

這傢伙到底要攝取多少醬料啊？

You've turned my plate into a gravy boat.

我的盤子都變成肉汁船了

The steak might be floating at this point,

此時此刻牛排都在漂浮著吧

there's so much gravy.

因為肉汁多成這樣

This is like a decent meal at my auntie's house.

這好像在我阿姨家吃的一餐，挺像樣的

Your Aunt Keith's house?

你的 Keith 阿姨家？

Auntie.

我阿姨啦 (auntie 發音被誤聽成 Aunt Keith)

Oh.

原來如此

You can be my Aunt Keith if you want.

你想當我的 Keith 阿姨也可以

I would love to be Aunt Keith.

我很樂意當你的 Keith 阿姨

That'd be great.

感覺很讚

Oh my God, lil' aunt.

天啊，我當小阿姨耶

Come on in, I'm cooking something for you.

快進來吧，我為你煮了些好吃的

Is your friend coming tonight for dinner?

你朋友要來一起吃晚餐嗎？

Okay, I'll make a little extra.

這樣的話我得多做一點才行

I mean, the steak is actually pretty good.

其實牛排蠻不錯的

Oh, God, oh, God.

噢天、天啊

This isn't that bad to me.

我覺得這餐不差耶

Aw, you're crushing that steak.

你在摧殘那塊牛排

I'm starving.

因為我好餓

So do you want dessert?

所以要來點甜點嗎？

Hell fucking yeah.

當然好啊

The dessert is chocolate cream pie

甜點是巧克力鮮奶油派

and add two scoops of ice cream.

加上兩球冰淇淋

Just dump it out, just dump the bowl.

倒出來，整碗倒出來吧

Just yeah, yeah, pour more liquid on my food, Aria.

對啦對啦，食物上淋再多液體都不夠

I'm gonna fucking kill the intern.

我要殺了那個實習生

(can snaps)

(打開易開罐)

Goddammit.

該死的

If you don't even see me take one sip

如果你看我一滴都不沾

out of a new one that you gave me,

那罐新的健怡可樂

why would you give me another one?

幹嘛再給我一罐？

(straw clicking)

(吸管發出喀嚓聲)

I'm pretending this is wine.

我會把這當作紅酒

What a time we had today.

今天就這樣過了

I haven't peed.

我還沒上過廁所

You need to go home

你要回家

and you get a big jug, a big bowl--

然後喝一大罐、或是一碗的--

You know what I always say,

你知道我總說什麼

"Go home, have a bowl of water."

「回家去喝一碗水。」

Drink some water.

喝點水吧

Have like a kale smoothie in the mornings.

早上喝個甘藍菜冰沙吧

Well, we'll see you next time on

那我們下次在

We Eat Like A World Leader.

《吃得像世界領袖一樣》見囉

(laughs)

(笑)

(choir music)

(合唱音樂)

I just wanted to let you know that

我只想跟你說

last night at about 1:30

昨天大概凌晨一點半時

I had severe stomach pains and then proceeded

我肚子痛得要命

to fully shit my brains out.

然後拉得一蹋糊塗

I am so sorry.

真的很抱歉啊！

It's okay, I just wanted you to know.

沒關係，我只是想說

I hope we're still friends.

希望我們還是朋友

We are, it's cool, it's chill.

我們是啊，別擔心

It's not the worst thing I've put in my body either.

反正這也不是我吃過最糟糕的東西

(On March 2, 2018, reports emerged that Trump had begun eating healthier on doctor's orders.)

(2018 年 3 月 2 日時，報導指出川普已經在醫師的叮囑下，飲食變得比較健康了)

♪ America, America ♪

(美國愛國歌曲：美哉美國) ♪ 美國，美國 ♪

♪ God shed his grace on thee ♪

♪ 受天上澤其恩 ♪