and as the natural, inevitable prelude to the break-up of a union.

並且自然而然地，會導致分手

It is viewed in such dark terms because, under the philosophy of Romanticism

之所以「不忠」被視為如此黑暗的事，是由於浪漫主義

which has dominated our understanding of love since the middle of the eighteenth century, sex is understood

其理念從十八世紀中便主導了我們對愛的理解，那就是性愛

to be, not principally a physical act, but the summation and central symbol of love.

不僅只是肉體行為，而是愛的總和與中心象徵

Before Romanticism, people had sex and fell in love but they did not always see these

在浪漫主義以前，人們發生性關係並墜入愛河，但並不一定視

two acts as inextricably linked: one might love someone and not sleep with them.

兩者為不可分離的緊密連結：可能會愛著一個人，但不跟他發生關係

Or sleep with them and not love them. It was this dislocation that Romanticism refused to countenance.

或是跟他發生關係，卻不愛他。浪漫主義不接受這樣的錯位

Sex was simply the crowning moment of love, the superlative way of expressing one's devotion

性愛就是愛最顛峰的時刻，是表達對另一人忠誠的最高表現

to someone, the ultimate proof of one's sincerity. What this philosophy unwittingly

也是表達誠意最終極的方式。這個理念不知不覺地

accomplished was to turn infidelity from a problem into a catastrophe.

將「不忠」從一個問題轉變成一個大災難。

Never again could sex be viewed as in any way divorced from intense emotion and a profound desire for

性愛不再能與強烈的情感和對承諾的深刻慾望分離

commitment. It was no longer possible to say that sex meant 'nothing', in the sense

你不再能說：「性愛不表示任何東西。」

of being a joyful, kind but emotionally-empty act devoid of any desire to care for or live

只是個享受的過程，令人感激但並不包含任何情感，沒有任何關心或

with a new person in the long-term and in no way indicative of any drop in affection for the established partner.

欲望與另一個人長期住在一起，並不代表降低對原配偶的情感

There are, of course, many cases where infidelity means

當然，也有許多情況下「不忠」代表

exactly what Romanticism takes it to mean: contempt for one's relationship.

浪漫主義所指的：對雙方感情的輕蔑

But in a great many other cases, it may mean something really rather different: a passing, surface

但在許多其他情況下，「不忠」也代表了非常不同的意思：一種對色情刺激的短暫而膚淺的渴望

desire for erotic excitement that coexists with an ongoing, sincere commitment to one's life-partner.

並且同時保持著對生命的伴侶持續而真誠的承諾

Our culture makes this thought close to impossible, and so getting 'over'

我們的文化讓人們覺得這是不可能的，而「忘懷」不忠

an infidelity – by which is meant, learning to see that the unfaithful act might not mean

則是學習了解，不忠行為也許不是

what Romanticism tells us it means – has become a challenge of heroic proportions and

如浪漫主義所說的那樣。而能夠「忘懷」不忠的人也成了鳳毛麟角

most of the time, a brute impossibility. However much an unfaithful partner may patiently explain

大多時候，根本就不可能發生。無論那外遇的伴侶多麽耐心地向你解釋

that it meant nothing, the idea seems entirely implausible. How could sex, the summation

「性愛不代表什麼」，這種想法似乎根本難以置信。性愛，作為愛的總和，要如何

of love, ever mean anything less than pretty much everything? There may be one potential way out of the impasse:

不代表什麼，當性愛本身就代表了全部一切？也許有一個打破僵局的可能性：

a frank examination of the recesses of one's own mind and perhaps,

坦率地檢視一個人內心深處，也許是

an honest recall of certain moments of past personal experience.

真誠的回想過去個人經驗中的某些特定時刻

What this brave investigation is likely to throw up is evidence that one is strangely capable of something – in the

這勇敢的調查可能會得到的是，一個人在某些情況下奇異地能做到

circumstances – really rather surprising: caring deeply for someone

這令人驚異的事：深刻地在意某個人的同時

and yet entertaining, or masterminding, a sexual scenario involving somebody else. However much the thought seems

卻愉悅地策劃一個包含第三者的性愛場面。無論當我們從逐漸疏遠的伴侶口中

unbelievable when we hear it from the mouth of a straying partner, it does appear that

聽到這個想法時覺得有多麽的不可思議，確實有可能

it is, in some ways, really rather possible to think of screwing one person and loving another.

在某些方面，很可能在愛某個人同時想要和另一個人發生關係

The best way to recover after an infidelity may therefore be to ignore what

從伴侶的「不忠」行為恢復，最好的方法便是忽略

Romanticism tells us that infidelity has to mean, and to consult instead a more reliable

浪漫主義所告訴我們的「不忠」之意義，而是去諮詢更可靠的

source of information: what we ourselves took infidelity to mean the last time the idea

資訊來源：我們之前想到或生活中碰到「不忠」行為時

crossed through our minds or our lives. It is on this basis that we may – with considerable pain of course

內心對此真正的看法。也只有這樣，在經過數不清的痛苦時刻

come one day to be able to forgive and even in a way understand and

終於有一天能夠原諒並某種程度上能理解

accept the apologies of a repentant partner. It is on the basis of subjective experience

和接受懺悔伴侶的道歉。基於不忠思想的

of unfaithful thoughts that we may redemptively enrich, complicate and soften what happens

主觀經驗，當我們成為「不忠」行為的受害者時

when we end up as their victims.

我們也許才能豐富、複雜化並弱化曾經發生過的事

At The School Of Life we believe in developing emotional intelligence.

我們 School Of Life 相信發展情商的重要性

To that end we have also created a whole range of products to support that growth.

我們也為此生產各種不同的商品來支持我們的目標

Find out more at the link on the screen now.

點擊螢幕上的連結，看看更多影片