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  • Oh my God, I forgot to have kids.

    我的天啊,我忘了生小孩了

  • (neighing)

    (馬嘶聲)

  • What up, everyone?

    大家好嗎?

  • It's your girl Superwoman!

    我是 Superwoman!

  • And let me just preface this video by saying

    作為這部影片的開場白

  • I actually love kids.

    我其實很愛小孩

  • In fact, I have three nephews that I adore tremendously.

    事實上我有三個我超疼愛的姪子

  • Now that I've convinced you I'm wonderful and loving,

    既然我已經說服你我是個完美又慈愛的人

  • let me tell you five reasons

    我要告訴你們 5 個

  • why I can't have my own annoying brat kids.

    我不能有自己煩人的小孩的原因

  • Number one, horror movies.

    第一,恐怖片

  • I could literally see the Devil

    我可以看著恐怖片中的惡魔

  • ripping out someone's soul in a horror movie,

    把人的靈魂撕裂

  • and I still wouldn't be as scared as seeing

    這還比不上看見

  • a little girl in a white dress.

    穿著白色洋裝的小女孩恐怖

  • Horror movies are scientific evidence

    恐怖片證明了

  • that kids are the root of all evil.

    小孩是所有邪惡的根源

  • Straight up, if my kid started acting creepy,

    說真的,如果我的小孩開始表現得古怪

  • I would have zero tolerance.

    我絕對零容忍

  • Honestly, I might even name my daughter Felicia,

    老實說,我可能會為我的女兒命名 Felicia

  • just so it's easier to say bye to her

    這樣比較好跟她說再見

  • in case she gets possessed.

    以免她瘋了

  • Felicia, go wash up for dinner, please.

    Felicia,洗手準備吃晚餐囉!

  • But Billy and I aren't hungry yet.

    但我和 Billy 還不餓

  • Is Billy your unicorn?

    Billy 是妳的獨角獸嗎?

  • No, Billy's my best friend,

    不,Billy 是我最好的朋友

  • and he's sitting beside me right now.

    他現在就坐在我旁邊

  • Say hi, mom.

    媽咪,說嗨

  • Don't ignore him, mom.

    媽咪,別忽視他

  • We'll talk about this later.

    我們等一下再談

  • Pack your bags.

    打包你的行李

  • You're moving in with daddy.

    你要去和爹地住了

  • Feel free to call whatever homewrecker he's with mommy.

    如果他和哪個狐狸精在一起隨時打電話告訴媽咪

  • Bye, Felicia.

    掰掰,Felicia

  • Be gone.

    退散吧!

  • Not the shoes.

    不是說鞋子

  • Number two, uselessness.

    第二,沒用

  • Okay, how do I say this in a polite way?

    我該怎麼說得委婉點?

  • Okay, I got it.

    好,我知道了

  • Kids are idiots.

    小孩是白痴

  • If you don't supervise a kid for three seconds,

    只要三秒鐘沒有盯著小孩

  • they somehow end up in the dumbest situations.

    他們就會有辦法搞得一團糟

  • I wanna help.

    我想要幫忙

  • Okay, put this shirt on a hanger for mommy.

    好啊,幫媽媽把衣服放到衣架上

  • Mommy, help!

    媽咪救命!

  • How the hell?

    怎麼會搞成這樣?

  • Put your seatbelt on, sweetie.

    甜心,繫好安全帶

  • 'Kay.

  • Good girl.

    好女孩

  • (whimpering)

    (嗚咽)

  • How?

    這又是怎麼弄的?

  • Okay now, be careful and don't spill it.

    拿去,小心點不要灑出來

  • Okay.

  • Oops.

    噢噢

  • (laughing)

    (笑)

  • Mother @%&

    X 的

  • How can you eff up everything so quickly?

    妳怎麼每件事都有辦法這麼快搞砸?

  • Stop being such a Trump.

    別像川普一樣

  • Number three, my vajayjay.

    第三,我的妹妹

  • Here's the thing, right.

    對,這就是重點了

  • I enjoy when my vagina is intact,

    我很享受陰道完好無缺

  • because stitches belong in a Shawn Mendes song,

    因為縫合 (stitches) 是 Shawn Mendes 的一首歌

  • not my hooha.

    而不屬於我的那邊

  • Here's all the things that I couldn't do

    如果我的陰道被破壞了

  • if my vagina was mangled.

    我所不能做的事有

  • Lunges.

    弓步蹲

  • Snow angels.

    雪地天使

  • Splits.

    劈腿

  • Oh, wait, I'm not Logan Paul.

    噢,等等,我不是羅根·保羅

  • I couldn't do the splits either way.

    我怎麼樣都無法劈腿

  • (sobbing)

    (啜泣)

  • The point is, my vagina says no.

    重點是,我的陰道說不

  • What's that?

    那是什麼?

  • Hell no!

    絕不!

  • Number four, setting an example.

    第四,樹立榜樣

  • Let me be crystal clear, okay.

    讓我把話說清楚,好嗎?

  • I'm a hot effing mess,

    我是個騷貨

  • and the last thing I need to do

    而我最不需要做的事

  • is adjust my behavior because some punk kid

    就是改變我的行為

  • is gonna copy everything my hot mess self does.

    因為某個臭小鬼會模仿我這騷貨的所作所為

  • Like, stop jacking my swagoo.

    別模仿我

  • Ms. Singh, two of our students got into a fight

    辛小姐,有兩位學生吵架

  • and your daughter asked Ashley if she wants her to

    妳女兒問 Ashley 想不想要

  • "Snatch her by her wig and cut a ho?"

    「扯掉她的假髮剪爛那蕩婦?」

  • (laughing)

    (大笑)

  • Oh my God, did she?

    天啊,她真的這樣說?

  • What a good friend.

    真是好朋友

  • I mean, my goodness, that language, unacceptable.

    我是說,我的老天,那種話,不能接受

  • I fear your daughter may be mentally unstable.

    我擔心您的女兒可能精神不穩定

  • She often dresses up as different characters

    她經常扮演不同角色

  • and talks to herself.

    還會自言自語

  • What?

    什麼?

  • Yes.

    是的

  • Okay, I have no idea where she learned that.

    好吧,我完全不知道她從哪學來的

  • Hmm.

  • My daughter's gonna be out there

    我女兒八成會

  • getting me in trouble with teachers,

    在學校給我惹麻煩

  • spilling my tea everywhere,

    到處亂撒我的茶

  • like, yo, snitches get stitches, brah.

    呦,兄弟,打小報告會遭報應

  • Learn that.

    記住這點

  • Respect that.

    尊重這點

  • Get that tattooed on your forehead.

    把這刺在你的額頭上

  • You can't, you need parental permission.

    不能,你需要家長允許

  • That would be me.

    那就是我

  • Go eff yourself.

    去你的

  • Number five, fake praise.

    第五,假稱讚

  • I believe in real, authentic feedback

    我相信真實真誠的回饋

  • that makes someone better and allows them to grow.

    可以讓人進步讓人成長

  • Okay, but when you have kids,

    但當你有了孩子

  • you have to pretend all their suckiness doesn't suck,

    你必須假裝他們所做的鳥事一點都不鳥

  • and I don't think lying is a good lesson.

    而我並不認為說謊是好家教

  • Mommy, I drew you.

    媽咪,我畫了妳

  • Aw, let me see.

    喔,讓我看看

  • Sweetheart.

    甜心

  • This is trash.

    這是垃圾

  • It's really bad.

    畫得真爛

  • Look, you got my eyes all wrong.

    妳看,妳把我的眼睛畫壞了

  • And my hair is not that thin.

    我的頭髮也沒有那麼薄

  • But I tried my best!

    但我盡力了!

  • And it wasn't good enough.

    還是不夠好

  • (crying)

    (哭)

  • If you keep drawing ugly pictures of mommy

    如果妳再把媽咪畫得那麼醜

  • and act like a brat about it,

    還表現得這麼孩子氣

  • Imma tell Santa you were naughty.

    我就要告訴聖誕老人妳很調皮

  • Snitches get stitches, brah!

    兄弟,打小報告會遭報應!

  • God damn you, stop copying me!

    殺的,別模仿我!

  • I'm sure there's lots of valid reasons to have kids,

    我相信有很多生小孩的正當理由

  • you know, like love, being proud,

    你知道的,像是愛,驕傲,

  • contributing to society.

    對社會貢獻

  • But me, I just wanna drink vodka whenever I want

    但是我,我只想要隨時可以喝伏特加

  • and have no responsibilities.

    還不用負責任

  • Does that make me a bad person?

    這樣像壞人嗎?

  • Or really smart?

    或是很聰明?

  • Just kidding, I'm probably gonna have kids one day.

    開玩笑而已,未來我很有可能會有小孩

  • But I'm definitely gonna adopt,

    但我絕對要領養

  • 'Cause I was super serious about the vagina part.

    因為陰道這部分我是非常認真的

  • True!

    真的!

  • Did you like that video?

    喜歡這部影片嗎?

  • Here's how you can let me know,

    可以這麼讓我知道

  • give it a big thumbs up.

    按個大大的讚

  • You wanna check out my last video?

    想要看我最新的影片嗎?

  • It's right over there.

    就在那裡

  • My second vlog channel that has bloopers to this video,

    我的第二個影音部落格頻道,有這部影片的幕後花絮

  • right over there.

    就在那裡

  • And make sure you subscribe,

    一定要訂閱

  • because I have almost 11 million children.

    因為我有一千一百萬個孩子

  • My vagina hates me.

    我的陰道恨我

  • Also, preorder my book.

    也要預訂我的書

  • Link is right over there.

    連結在那兒

  • One love, Superwoman.

    唯一的愛,Superwoman

  • That is a wrap, and zoom!

    收工啦再會!

Oh my God, I forgot to have kids.

我的天啊,我忘了生小孩了

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B1 中級 中文 小孩 媽咪 陰道 恐怖片 女兒 甜心

【Superwoman】你同意嗎?不想要小孩的五大真心話! (Why I Won't Have Kids)

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    Charo Wen 發佈於 2017 年 12 月 16 日
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