- Old orange Julius Caesar here.

橘色的凱薩大帝來也

(audience laughs)

To a lot of us he sure seems like something

genuinely new in American politics.

For one thing, he's made our political discourse

far, far nastier.

- This is not going to be an election

based on a nice person.

We're tired of the nice people.

You have this clown Marco Rubio.

He's a pussy.

Jeb is a lightweight.

- He doesn't sweat because his pores are clogged

from the spray-tan that he uses.

- Donald, you're a sniveling coward

and leave Heidi the hell alone.

- I gotta get this off my chest.

Donald Trump is a jerk.

- Oh, snap!

Oh, he roasted him!

Yo, is Donald Trump Moses, 'cause this Bush is on fire!

(cheering)

Now this name-calling shocks us right?

Because we have this idea that the election

is supposed to be a serious, dignified affair.

Why, the founding fathers, they were titans of etiquette.

Gentlemen intellectuals who resolved their disputes

through reasoned debate and delicate handshakes, right?

Wrong!

These guys were jerkbag politicians

just like the ones we have today.

Case in point, Thomas Jefferson.

Now yeah, sure, he and John Adams when they worked together

on the Declaration of Independence

they were very cordial.

But when they ran against each other in the election of 1800

the powdered wig stayed on, but the gloves came off.

Jefferson hired a newspaper editor named James Callender

to write the most vile things about Adams in the press.

Callender wrote that, - Adams has a hideous

hermaphroditical character which has neither the force

and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness

and sensibility of a woman."

- Jesus Christ, that is some 1770s shade.

- Burn!

(audience cheers)

- And by the way, Jefferson had that written

when he was John Adams' Vice President.

That's like if we found out that Biden was the guy

Photoshopping the Hitler mustaches onto the Obama posters.

So I'm sorry Trump, you didn't invent it.

Thomas Jefferson was the founding father of talking smack.

Okay, but how about this, Trump bragged about the size

of his penis right, remember that?

- Look at those hands, are they small hands?

And, he referred to my hands, if they're small,

something else must be small.

I guarantee you there's no problem, I guarantee.

- Okay, first of all,

no one with a big penis has ever had to say,

"I guarantee I have a big penis."

Other people spread the news for you.

But this outraged us.

We said, surely no serious presidential candidate

has ever done such a thing before!

Actually, yes they have.

Let's talk about our 36th president Lyndon B. Johnson.

Yes, his name was very appropriate.

Johnson bragged about the size of his penis constantly.

According to Robert Caro's biography,

he nicknamed it "Jumbo," and when a colleague

would approach him in the Capitol bathroom,

Johnson, finishing, would sometimes turn to him

with his penis in his hand, shaking it

as if showing off and say,

- Have you ever seen anything as big as this?

- Not since yesterday, Mr. President.

(audience laughs)

- Hey, you know what Lyndon, maybe you shouldn't talk about

your penis so much when your chosen nickname

sounds like the name of a Spanish language porn star.

(guitar music plays)

"El BJ."

(audience laughs)

Okay, okay, but Trump still treats people

way worse than that, right?

I mean, he bullied his way to the nomination

through insult and humiliation.

First he defeats his opponents, then he dominates them.

I mean, have you seen what he did to poor Chris Christie?

Oh, look at how sad he is.

This is like the last shot of an episode of Mad Men.

(Mad Men theme playing)

Executive Producer Matthew Weiner.

Chris Christie is the sitting governor of a state

and Trump treats him like this.

- I'm not eating Oreos anymore, you know that.

But, neither is Chris.

You're not eating Oreos anymore.

No more Oreos for either of us.

Don't feel bad for either.

- Oh great, now what's Chris Christie going to eat

while he's crying, "Why doesn't he like me?"

I'll tell you what, now he eats Hydrox

like a child of divorce.

(audience laughs)

You get the cheap (bleep) now.

But again, that is still nothing

compared to the way LBJ treated his staff.

He would famously force staffers to conduct meetings

with him while he was taking a dump.

Just listen to Johnson staffer and famous historian

Doris Kearns Goodwin telling her story.

- If you were in the bedroom holding back

when he went to the bathroom, he would just call you in

and say, "come on in, I haven't finished what I'm saying!"

You get, sort of used to this.

- Oh God, I think the worst part is,

"You get, sort of used to this."