Name: 川普政府：服從或死亡！ | AI 醫療建議 | CES 最爛的電子垃圾精選！ (Trump Admin: Obey Or Die | AI Health Advice | The Best Of The Worst Gadgets From CES)
Uploaded: 2026-01-09T17:26:18.000Z
Duration: 11 min 53 s

歡迎，歡迎來到《The Late Show》。

我是你們的主持人，Stephen Colbert。

That is just, I just, I just love hearing the positive energy from this audience because folks, it is, I gotta tell you, just speaking straight from the heart here.

真的，我就是，我就是，我就是喜歡聽到觀眾的正面能量，因為各位，我必須說，這真的，是發自內心的。

It's one of those news days that makes me want to just wheel out the AV cart, pop on heated rivalry and then have to blur most of heated rivalry.

這就是那種讓我想把 AV cart 推出來，放上 heated rivalry，然後又得把 heated rivalry 大部分內容馬賽克掉的新聞日。

And I'm sure you know why I feel that way.

我相信你們知道我為什麼會有這種感覺。

Millions of Americans are shocked and horrified by Yesterday's killing of US citizen and 37 year old mother of three Renee Nicole Good by an ICE agent as she attempted to drive away.

昨天，一名 37 歲、有三個孩子的美國公民 Renee Nicole Good，在試圖開車逃離時，被一名 ICE agent 殺害，數百萬美國人對此感到震驚和恐懼。

It's a senseless yet entirely predictable tragedy and our hearts go out to Renee Goode's loved ones, friends and the community where it happened.

這是一場毫無意義卻又完全可以預見的悲劇，我們的心與 Renee Goode 的親友以及事發社區同在。

But in it, as reported by the New York Times, Good appears to be turning away from a federal officer.

但影片中，根據《紐約時報》的報導，Good 似乎正轉身離開一名聯邦官員。

And as reported by the Washington Post, the agent was able to move out of the way and fire at least two of the three shots from the side of the vehicle as it veered past him.

而根據《華盛頓郵報》的報導，這名 ICE agent 在車輛擦身而過時，能夠閃開並從車輛側面開了至少兩槍，總共三槍。

It sure looks like a federal agent gunned down an American citizen without cause in front of witnesses on a city street.

這看起來確實像是一名聯邦官員在街上，毫無理由地，在眾人面前槍殺了一名美國公民。

But the administration is telling you that you didn't see that.

但政府卻告訴你，你看到的不是那樣。

They're saying you saw him respond to an act of domestic terrorism.

他們說你看到的是他對國內恐怖主義行為做出回應。

They're telling you to believe them and not your eyes.

他們要你相信他們的話，而不是你親眼所見。

And they told you that immediately before there was any investigation.

而且他們在你還沒開始調查之前，就這麼說了。

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem rushed out and said this.

國土安全部部長 Kristi Noem 立刻跳出來這麼說。

What happened was our ICE officers were out in enforcement action.

當時我們的 ICE 官員正在執行勤務。

They got stuck in the snow because of the adverse weather that is in Minneapolis.

因為明尼阿波利斯的惡劣天氣，他們的車子陷在雪裡。

They were attempting to push out their vehicle and a woman attacked them and those surrounding them and attempted to run them over and ram them with her vehicle.

他們試圖推動車子，結果一名女子攻擊他們和周遭的人，並試圖開車衝撞他們。

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you lying over your hat.

抱歉，抱歉，我聽不到你在說什麼，你的帽子太大了。

Yesterday, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz tweeted, I've seen the video.

昨天，明尼蘇達州州長 Tim Walz 發推文說，我看過影片了。

I'm pretty sure Kristi Noem was the original prototype for Megan.

我很確定 Kristi Noem 是 Megan 的原型。

And this is not be clear, this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

這不是第一次發生這種事了，說清楚點。

Yesterday's deadly encounter is the ninth ICE shooting since September.

昨天這場致命的衝突，是九月以來第九起 ICE 槍擊事件。

So this feels less like an anomaly and more like a trend.

所以這感覺不像個案，比較像是一種趨勢。

You don't watch the ninth Fast and Furious movie and say, you know, I'm beginning to get the sense that Vin Diesel really cares about family.

你不會看第九部《玩命關頭》然後說，你知道嗎，我開始感覺馮迪索真的很重視家人。

And not only are they trying to spin this without presenting the evidence today, Minnesota investigators said the FBI has blocked them from accessing the ev.

而且他們不只試圖在今天不提供證據的情況下扭曲這件事，明尼蘇達州的調查人員說 FBI 阻止他們取得證據。

So the message from this administration is clear.

所以這個政府傳達的訊息很清楚。

And when their forces come to your city, obey or die.

而且當他們的部隊來到你的城市，服從或死亡。

而且如果你死了，顯然是你沒服從。

This should be an alarm bell for the entire country, whether you live in a red state or a blue state.

這應該敲響全國的警鐘，不管你住的是紅州還是藍州。

Because if we let this go on, regardless of who your state voted for, one day you'll have unaccountable armed government agents acting with impunity in your town so peacefully and non violently.

因為如果我們放任這件事繼續下去，不管你的州投給誰，總有一天你會在你的城鎮裡看到無法無天的武裝政府官員，以和平且非暴力的方式行事。

Please let your leaders know you don't want that.

請讓你們的領導人知道你們不想要這樣。

I've got nothing else to say on this tragedy because I don't think other people's tragedy is the best place for our jokes.

關於這場悲劇我沒什麼好說的，因為我不認為別人的悲劇是我們開玩笑的最佳場合。

But we do have a lot of jokes about some very stupid stuff.

但我們確實有很多關於一些非常愚蠢事情的笑話。

Now, while Donald Trump may be destroying civil society, his true passion is desecrating Washington architecture.

現在，雖然唐納·川普可能正在摧毀公民社會，但他真正的熱情是褻瀆華盛頓的建築。

He is going full steam renovating the newly renamed Donald J. Trump combination.

他正全力翻新這個新命名的唐納·J·川普複合體。

Taco Bell、Pizza Hut、甘迺迪中心。

Trump recently announced theater will feature marble armrests, which is perfect for anyone who's crammed their body into a theater seat for four hours for Les Mis and thought, I just wish my elbows could shatter.

川普最近宣佈劇院將配備大理石扶手，這對於任何擠在劇院座位上四小時看《悲慘世界》的人來說，簡直是太棒了，他們心想，我只希望我的手肘能碎掉。

Because when Trump was in Florida for the holidays, he visited a stone importer near Mar a Lago to shop for marble for the new White House ballroom.

因為川普在假期期間去佛羅裡達時，參觀了瑪爾拉戈附近的一家石材進口商，為新的白宮宴會廳採購大理石。

I shouldn't have to say this, but shopping for tile is not the job of a president.

我本來不該說這話，但採購瓷磚不是總統的工作。

It's the job of a husband whose Sunday just got ruined.

這是一個老公的工作，他的週日剛被毀了。

How could I now that I know your mom hates the backsplash and the half bath?

我怎麼能睡得著，因為我知道你媽媽討厭後擋板和半衛浴？

If all this makes you want to get heavily medicated, you might be in luck, because Utah has become the first state to let AI prescribe medication.

如果這一切讓你想要好好吃藥，你可能運氣不錯，因為猶他州已經成為第一個允許 AI 開處方的州。

They're doing a by partnering with medical tech startup Doctronic.

他們正透過與醫療科技新創公司 Doctronic 合作來達成。

I don't really want to get health advice from a company that sounds like a band from the early 90s.

我不太想從一個聽起來像九零年代初期樂團的公司那裡獲得健康建議。

For me, that's why I stopped going to the Beastie docs.

對我來說，這就是為什麼我不再去看 Beastie 的醫生了。

Now, according to your chart, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop.

現在，根據你的病歷，你不能、你不會、你也不會停止。

Now, as appealing as it sounds to hand our medical care to teen eating disorder.

現在，雖然把我們的醫療保健交給青少年飲食失調聽起來很吸引人。

There could be a few drawbacks because AI systems are prone to being gamed via poetry.

可能會有一些缺點，因為 AI 系統很容易被詩歌操縱。

Explains that famous stanza from Robert Frost.

這解釋了羅伯特·佛羅斯特那著名的詩句。

Speaking of AI, this week was the kickoff of this year's Consumer Electronics Show.

說到 AI，本週是今年消費電子展的開跑。

There's so many cool new products, but the one I'm most excited about is a $5,000 smart toilet.

有好多超讚的新產品，但我最期待的是一臺要價 5000 美元的智慧馬桶。

Sure, but if it's so smart, why is it a toilet?

沒錯，但如果它這麼聰明，為什麼會是馬桶？

If it had gotten better grades, it could have been a bidet, but it failed French class.

如果它成績好一點，本來可以當免治馬桶，但它法文課不及格。

Because this is the first toilet that can call for help.

因為這是第一臺會呼叫救援的馬桶。

Which, if you think about it, is pretty dark.

Because it definitely implies that up till now, every toilet has wanted to call for help.

因為這確實暗示了到目前為止，每個馬桶都想呼叫救援。

Here's just what that when installed in a senior's home, the toilet can send messages to family members if no one has used it for more than eight hours, prompting loved ones to check in to make sure that everyone is okay.

想像一下，當它安裝在長輩家裡時，如果超過八小時沒人使用，馬桶就能傳訊息給家人，提醒他們去關心長輩是否安好。

We all know that feeling when your phone buzzes at 3am and you're like, either it's a booty call from my ex or a text from grandpa's toilet.

我們都懂那種感覺，半夜三點手機響了，你會想，不是前任打來的，就是爺爺的馬桶傳來的訊息。

Either way, either way, I'm getting in an Uber.

不管是哪種，我都得叫 Uber 了。

This technology sounds crazy, but it was actually inspired by my favorite Barenaked Ladies song.

這項技術聽起來很瘋狂，但其實是受到我最喜歡的 Barenaked Ladies 歌曲的啟發。

It's been eight hours since your pee paw pooped of.

你的老爸老媽已經八小時沒嗯嗯了。

I'd get one of those if I had a million dollars.

如果我有一百萬美元，我一定會買一個。

Of course, this is just gonna be one more reason for your elderly parents to be disappointed.

當然，這只會讓你的長輩們又多一個對你失望的理由。

How come you never pick up when my toilet calls?

你為什麼總是不接我馬桶打來的電話？

I told you there were some stupid stories.

我跟你說過，有些故事真的很瞎。

There's also a new robot from LG that does your laundry.

LG 也推出了一款新的機器人，可以幫你洗衣服。

It's receiving the towel from the executive.

它正在接收執行長遞過來的毛巾。

隨時準備好都可以，機器人夥伴。