Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to The Late Show.

女士們先生們，歡迎收看《深夜秀》。

Folks, it is, while surprise lasts, it is the last day of July, meaning tonight at midnight,

朋友們，趁驚喜還在，今天是七月的最後一天，也就是今晚午夜、

August 1st, Trump's basket of deplorable tariffs are going to kick in.

8 月 1 日，特朗普的一攬子可悲關稅將開始實施。

Don't forget to leave out a Diet Coke and a plate of nuggets for jolly old St. Prick.

別忘了給快樂的老聖普里克留一杯健怡可樂和一盤炸雞塊。

Now, fans of random economic chaos will remember that back in April,

現在，隨機經濟混亂的粉絲們應該還記得四月份的那一幕、

Trump claimed that he had tons of deals under his belt, saying, I've made 200 deals.

特朗普聲稱，他做過的交易數不勝數，他說："我做過 200 筆交易。

The deadline is here, and he's only made eight deals, because his demands are insane.

截止日期到了，他只做了八筆交易，因為他的要求太瘋狂了。

And though he says this is all about trade fairness, clearly, some of his tariffs are just for spite.

雖然他說這一切都是為了貿易公平，但很明顯，他的一些關稅只是為了洩憤。

For example, he raised Brazil's rate to a whopping 50% to punish them for prosecuting his authoritarian pal, former President Jair Bolsonaro, for attempting a coup.

例如，他將巴西的稅率提高到了驚人的 50%，以懲罰他們起訴他的獨裁夥伴、前總統雅伊爾-博爾索納羅企圖發動政變。

I mean, imagine if we lived in a world where everyone who attempted a coup went to jail.

我的意思是，想象一下，如果我們生活在一個企圖發動政變的人都要坐牢的世界裡。

Trump is also imposing a 25% tariff on India, saying they have always bought a vast majority of their military equipment from Russia at a time when everyone wants Russia to stop the killing in Ukraine.

特朗普還對印度徵收 25% 的關稅，稱他們一直從俄羅斯購買絕大多數軍事裝備，而此時大家都希望俄羅斯停止在烏克蘭的殺戮。

Did he just accuse someone else of cozying up to Russia?

他剛剛是在指責別人與俄羅斯狼狽為奸嗎？

I haven't seen that level of projection since the ill-fitted memoir, No, You're Malala.

自從那本不合時宜的回憶錄《不，你是馬拉拉》之後，我再也沒見過這種程度的投射了。

It doesn't seem like he's going to get a deal with them anytime soon because India has concerns about the genetically modified crops grown in the U.S.

他似乎不會很快與他們達成協議，因為印度對美國種植的轉基因作物有顧慮。

You mean our strawberries aren't supposed to look like this?

你是說我們的草莓不該是這個樣子？

You know your strawberries have questionable genes when they have to be harvested by cesarean.

當草莓必須通過剖腹產才能收穫時，你就知道草莓的基因有問題了。

While he's waiting for the world to kneel before him,

Today, he signed an executive order to revive the presidential fitness test for American school children.

今天，他簽署了一項行政命令，恢復對美國學童的總統體能測試。

Yeah, which means now children will have to be as fit as President Trump.

是的，這意味著現在的孩子們必須像特朗普總統一樣健壯。

All right, everybody, hop on that golf cart and start popping nuggets till your ankles swell like a balloon full of chili.

好了，大夥兒，跳上高爾夫球車，開始蹦金塊，直到你的腳踝腫得像裝滿辣椒的氣球。

蘸一蘸、嚼一嚼、蘸一蘸、嚼一嚼。

And now, okay, everybody, now watch TV and yell, yell, yell.

現在，好了，各位，現在看電視，大喊大叫，大喊大叫。

There is nothing that the guys in the sound booth like better than when they hand me a whistle.

音響室裡的人最喜歡的事情，莫過於他們遞給我一個哨子。

Presidential fitness test has been around since 1966, but if Trump had to revive it, where did it go?

總統體能測試從 1966 年就開始了，但如果特朗普非要恢復它，它去哪兒了？

Apparently, it changed in 2012 during the Obama administration to focus more on individual health than athletic feats.

顯然，在 2012 年奧巴馬政府執政期間，這種做法發生了變化，更加註重個人健康，而不是運動成績。

Make the children perform athletic feats for our amusement.

讓孩子們表演體育特技，供我們取樂。

I had to do it when I was in school, and so did all of you.

我上學時不得不這樣做，你們大家也一樣。

And I think every child should have a chance to struggle through timed sit-ups while the meanest boy in school sits on their feet and farts.

我認為每個孩子都應該有機會在學校裡最凶的男生坐在他們腳上放屁的時候，努力完成定時仰臥起坐。

If they don't have to do that, where will the future comedians come from?

如果他們不必這樣做，未來的喜劇演員從哪裡來？

As the head of Health and Human Services, the person leading the fitness revival is Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

作為衛生與公眾服務部的負責人，上司健身復興的是部長小羅伯特-肯尼迪（Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

不，夥計們，不，不，這是真的。

Trump also had a couple of big-time men's football players with him on stage.

特朗普還邀請了幾位大牌男足球員一起上臺。

Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker and troubled former Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor representing the two most exciting parts of the NFL, extra points and cocaine.

堪薩斯城酋長隊的踢球手哈里森-布特克（Harrison Butker）和陷入困境的前巨人隊後衛勞倫斯-泰勒（Lawrence Taylor）代表了 NFL 最激動人心的兩個部分：加分和可卡因。

現在，哦，有一個重要的附帶說明。

Taylor is also a registered sex offender.

泰勒還是一名登記在冊的性犯罪者。

Mr. President, that is a brilliant way to distance yourself from the whole Epstein scandal.

總統先生，這是您與整個愛潑斯坦醜聞保持距離的絕妙方式。

I fully renounce everything Jeff did because now I'm hanging out with a completely different registered sex offender, and we're just here to make sure our teenagers are very fit.

我完全放棄傑夫所做的一切，因為現在我和一個完全不同的註冊性犯罪者混在一起，而我們只是來確保我們的青少年非常健康。

哦，不過 R.F.K.的笑話引起了大家的笑聲。

Americans finally got our hands on the secret, scandalous information we've all been waiting for because an anonymous website just released information from politicians and celebrities' Spotify accounts, which they are calling the Panama Playlists.

美國人終於得到了我們期待已久的祕密醜聞資訊，因為一個匿名網站剛剛公佈了政客和名人的 Spotify 賬戶資訊，他們稱之為 "巴拿馬播放列表"。

I know what songs they played when and how many times.

我知道他們在什麼時候演奏了哪些歌曲，演奏了多少次。

That's right, the bops, the jams, the grooves.

沒錯，就是流行樂、爵士樂和小調。

他們揭開了某些東西的神祕面紗

Vice President J.D. Vance is into boy bands, including the Backstreet Boys.

副總統萬斯（J.D. Vance）喜歡男孩樂隊，包括后街男孩。

I want it that way, which is appropriate because every time I see him, I think, tell me why.

我希望是這樣，這很恰當，因為每次見到他，我都會想，告訴我為什麼。

According, I'm sorry, how long was I happy?

Now, they also breached the account of Open AI CEO, Sam Altman, who evidently listens to Missy Elliott's

現在，他們還侵入了 Open AI 首席執行官山姆-奧特曼（Sam Altman）的賬戶。

Get Your Freak On on a playlist he calls My Shazam Tracks.

在他稱之為 "My Shazam Tracks "的播放列表中，《Get Your Freak On》。

Shazam, modern day Einstein, smartest boy in the world, the guy leading the charge to replace us all with AI, hears a song that goes, get your freak on, get your freak on, get your, get your freak on.

Shazam，現代愛因斯坦，世界上最聰明的男孩，上司著用人工智能取代我們所有人的傢伙，聽到一首歌這樣唱道："get your freak on, get your freak on, get your, get your freak on"。

And his first thought was, what's the name of that song?

他首先想到的是，這首歌叫什麼名字？

我會閃閃發光，我會閃閃發光。

All right, there's been a troubling, come on, come on, ladies, you don't want to see me dance.

好了，有件麻煩事，來吧，來吧，女士們 你們不會想看我跳舞的

Now, there's been a troubling, there's been a troubling development with former Trump lawyer and rotten potato flirting with you from inside the compost bin, Alan Dershowitz.

現在，特朗普的前律師、從堆肥箱內與你調情的爛洋芋艾倫-德肖維茨（Alan Dershowitz）有了令人不安的發展。

Dershowitz made his career as a defense attorney representing clients like Harvey Weinstein,

德肖維茨的職業生涯是擔任哈維-溫斯坦等客戶的辯護律師、

O.J. Simpson, Donald Trump, and Jeffrey Epstein.

辛普森（O.J. Simpson）、唐納德-特朗普（Donald Trump）和傑弗裡-愛潑斯坦（Jeffrey Epstein）。

You know it's bad when you look at a list of people and think, is it really fair to lump O.J. in there?

當你看到一個人的名單時，你會想，把O.J.也算進去真的公平嗎？

Dershowitz famously was also at Epstein's mansion where he received a massage.

德肖維茨也曾去過愛潑斯坦的豪宅，並在那裡接受了按摩。

Later, he defended the massage by saying the masseuse was an older Russian woman named Olga and he kept his underwear on and didn't enjoy it.

後來，他為這次按摩辯護說，按摩師是一位名叫奧爾加的俄羅斯老婦人，他一直穿著內衣，並不享受按摩。

哇，把奧爾加扔到公共汽車下面去了。

I'm sure she was trying to do a good job.

Maybe she got distracted by your gross old tighty whities.

也許她被你那噁心的舊緊身衣吸引了注意力。

Dershowitz has a summer place up on Martha's Vineyard where his association with the creeps has cramped his vacay vibe.

德肖維茨在瑪莎葡萄園島（Martha's Vineyard）有一處避暑勝地，在那裡，他與小人的關係讓他的度假氛圍變得很壓抑。

He's written op-eds where he claims that his former vineyard pals are shunning him and trying to ban him from their social life because there's no better way to prove you're a likable guy than writing an op-ed complaining that no one likes you.

他在專欄文章中聲稱，他以前在葡萄園的朋友們都在躲避他，並試圖禁止他參與他們的社交生活，因為要證明你是一個討人喜歡的人，沒有比寫專欄文章抱怨沒人喜歡你更好的辦法了。

Unfortunately, it's getting worse for over-the-underpants Alan because he says he's suing a Martha's Vineyard food vendor who refused to serve him pierogies because of his politics.

不幸的是，"大褲衩 "艾倫的情況越來越糟，因為他說他要起訴瑪莎葡萄園島的一家食品供應商，因為這家供應商因為他的政治立場而拒絕為他提供餡餅。

I'm sorry, Alan, but you can't force people to let you touch their pierogies.

對不起，艾倫，你不能強迫別人讓你碰他們的餡餅。

字幕列表影片播放

唾手可得的關稅 | 特朗普的體能測試 | 名人 Spotify 爆料 | 好吃的皮爾歐奇 (Spiteful Tariffs | Trump's Fitness Test | Celebrity Spotify Exposé | Good Pierogi)

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apparently

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represent