that are gonna make you go "har har har"

會讓你們笑得「哈 哈 哈」的笑話。

but you, really, you're gonna enjoy.

但你們一定會很喜歡的。

You're gonna pretend that you don't enjoy, but you're gonna like 'em.

你們一定會裝的不喜歡的樣子，但你們一定會喜歡上這些笑話。

I'm planning on beating my previous record; that will require fifty-two jokes

我打算打破我上部影片的紀錄，將52個笑話

in less than four minutes.

濃縮進4分鐘內。

Let's go.

讓我們開始吧~

What do you call a five-foot psychic that's escaped from jail?

你要如何稱呼一個5呎(150公分)高且患有精神病的逃獄犯？

A small, medium at large.

小人(150公分高)、中等(意思是可以通靈)、at large（未被抓到的）(跟衣服的小、中、大的尺寸諧音。)

Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

為什麼美人魚要配戴貝殼在身上？

'Cause she grew out of her 'B' shells.

因為她在牠的B殼中長大(B shell 到 C shell 代表從B罩杯到C罩杯)。

What concert costs forty-five cents?

哪場演唱會只需要花你45美分？

50 Cent ... featuring Nickelback.

50 cent (美國饒舌歌手)，Nickelback（五分錢合唱團）特別演出 (譯注：因為Nickel是5美分的意思，get a nickel back就是拿回5美分，而"nickel back"又跟"Nickelback"同字)

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

如何讓一位文青燙傷自己的舌頭？

He drank coffee before it was cool.

他沒等咖啡涼了才喝。(常用動詞+ before it was cool 來指文青在一件事流行之前就做過了，並以此顯示他們的非主流的獨特）

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

什麼東西是隱形的，但聞起來像蘿蔔？

Rabbit farts.

兔子的屁。

What do you call a fake noodle?

你如何稱呼假的麵條？

An impasta!

假的義大利麵！(譯注：impasta泛指魚目混珠的義大利麵，特色是跟一般的義大利麵有不同的形狀，是"imposter"(冒名頂替的)和"pasta"(義大利麵)的合體字)

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

當你把鐵達尼號和北極海混在一起時，你會得到什麼？

About halfway.

半途中。(譯注：因為它在北極海沈船了)

How does Jack Frost get to work?

傑克凍人怎麼去工作？(來自電影"捍衛聯盟")

Bi-icycle.

用腳踏車。

Bi-icycle.

用腳踏車。

By icicle.

用冰柱。(譯注：腳踏車的結尾"-icycle"跟冰柱"icicle"同音)

Why did the Face of Boe go to the party by himself?

為什麼Boe之臉要自己一個人去派對？(影集"神秘博士"的角色)

'Cause he had no body to go with.

因為他沒有身體能跟他一起去。(譯注："no body"是沒有身體，但念快一點就變成"nobody"，變成"沒有人跟他一起去")

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

你要如何稱呼一隻沒有眼睛的魚？

A fsh [still pronounced "fish"].

一隻魚(fsh)。(仍然發"fish"的音)(譯注：問題中"no eyes"沒有眼睛，同時跟"no i's"沒有"i"發音相同)

When I found out my toaster was not waterproof,

當我發現我的烤麵包機沒有防水時，

I was shocked!

我簡直嚇死了！(譯注：也可以翻成"我被電到了！"因為"shocked"這字有"驚嚇"和"觸電"兩個意思)

How often do I make chemistry jokes?

我多常開跟化學有關的玩笑？

Periodically.

週期性的。(譯注：化學週期表裡，period是週期的意思，表示一個橫排的元素)

I actually told one just the other day!

(接續上一個笑話)老實說我前幾天剛開了一個化學笑話！

...There was no reaction.

...聽的人沒什麼反應。(譯注：也可以翻成"...沒有發生任何化學反應。")

My boss, he told me to attach two pieces of wood together.

我的老闆，交代我將兩片木頭弄在一起。

...I totally nailed it.

...我三兩下就搞定了。(譯注：也可以翻成"...我用釘子把他們釘在一起了。"因為"nail"有"釘子"的意思，同時"nailed it"在英文厘語是"輕鬆搞定"的意思)

If the mushroom was such a fun guy (fungi),

如果香菇是個這麼有趣的人(菌類)，(譯注："fun guy"有趣的人，跟"fungi"菌類，兩個同音)

why didn't they have the party at his house?

為什麼他不再自己家裡辦個派對？

'Cause there wasn't mush room! [laughs creepily]

因為沒有軟軟的房間！(詭異的笑)(譯注："mush room"軟軟的房間，唸快一點就變成"mushroom"，香菇的意思)

Why did Cleopatra fall off the swing?

為什麼人稱「埃及豔后」的克麗奧佩脫拉七世會從鞦韆上跌下來？

Because she's dead.

因為她已經死了。

What's orange and sounds like parrots?

什麼東西是橙色的，且唸起來像"parrots"？

Carrots.

蘿蔔。

The spider just crawled onto my keyboard.

有隻蜘蛛剛剛爬到我的鍵盤上。

Ookay, I think it's under control.

好...吧，我想我控制住情況了。(譯注：也可以翻"我想它在ctrl鍵下面)

Heh, 'cause control's a key...

(呵，因為ctrl是一個鍵...)

What does Gary Numan want to be when he grows up?

Gary Numan長大後希望變成什麼樣子？

Gary Oldman. [laughs] Everyone wants to be Gary Oldman, though.

Gary Oldman。(笑)每個人不都想成為Gary Oldman。(譯注："Numan"跟"Newman"，new 的相反就是 old. "Oldman"有"老人"的意思)

What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?

Michelle Obama最喜歡的蔬菜是什麼？

Yeah, it's broccoli. Barackoli, right?

沒錯，就是花椰菜。花椰菜，對吧？(譯注："Barackoli"跟"Broccoli"花椰菜同音，而美國總統歐巴馬的名字是"Barack"，跟花椰菜前面的音節同音)

What are the strongest days of the week?

一周裡那些天最強壯？

Saturday and Sunday. 'Cause all the rest, they're weak days (weekdays).

禮拜六和日。因為其他天都是平日。(譯注：平日的英文"weekdays"跟"weak days"發音相同，後者是"虛弱的天數"的意思)

What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a banjo player?

你要如何稱呼談班卓琴手手臂上的美女？

A tattoo.

刺青。

I don't know why banjo players. I don't know!

(我不知道為什麼要用班卓琴手，我真的不知道！)(抱歉了班卓琴手，真的，我愛你們，而且我相信女士們也喜歡你們)

My friends and I, we put on a performance about puns.

我跟我朋友設計了一齣跟雙關語有關的表演。

...It was basically just a play on words.

...基本上就只是在玩文字遊戲而已。

Why do the French only use one egg per omelet?

為什麼法國人間一個蛋捲時只肯用一顆蛋？

Because, in France, one egg is un oeuf (enough). [laughs]

因為，用法文稱一顆蛋為"un oeuf" (跟"enough"足夠同音)(笑)

What did the shy pebble wish?

一顆害羞的鵝卵石的願望是什麼？

Just that she was a little bolder (boulder).

想要變得更勇敢(大圓石)。(譯注："bolder"勇敢，跟"boulder"大圓石同音)

A little boulder! Why is that so cute?

更大一點的圓石！怎麼這麼可愛？

Did you hear that David lost his ID in Prague?

你聽說了嗎？David在布拉格弄丟了他的身分證。

Now we just have to call him Dav.

現在我們只能稱他為Dav了。(譯注：因為弄丟了"ID"身分證，弄丟了"id"兩個字母，所以David變成Dav)

Why was six afraid of seven?

為什麼六那麼懼怕七？

Because seven has cold, dead eyes.

因為七有冷冽的雙眼。

What do you call a pencil without lead?

你如何稱呼一隻沒有鉛的鉛筆？

Pointless.

毫無意義的。(譯注：也可以翻"沒有筆芯的")

Beethoven's favorite fruit?

貝多芬最喜歡的水果是什麼？

Ba-na-na-na [singing, to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony].

香香香蕉~(唱著貝多芬的第五號交響曲)

How do you make an octopus giggle ten giggles?

你要如何讓一隻章魚傻笑十聲？

You give him ten tickles (tentacles).

你要搔它十次癢(觸手)。

(Ten tickles!)

(搔十次癢！)(譯注："ten tickles"搔十次癢跟"tentacles"觸手發音相同)

Knock, knock!

叩叩叩！

Who's there?

誰在敲門？

Interrupting owl.

擾人的貓頭鷹。

Interrupting owl

擾人的貓頭鷹。

WHO!

到底是誰！(譯注："Who"聽起來像貓頭鷹的叫聲)

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

為什麼大猩猩的鼻孔特別大？

They have big fingers.

因為他們手指比較粗。

Which side of the chicken has more feathers?

雞的哪個部分有較多的羽毛？

The outside.

外面。

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

有隻馬走進一家酒吧，酒保問說：

"Why the long face?" And the horse says:

「幹嘛沉著一張臉？」然後馬說：(譯注：酒保的話也可以翻說"你的臉怎麼那麼長？"因為...是馬嘛)

"I'm finally realizing that my alcoholism is driving my family apart."

「我終於了解到我酗酒的習慣是導致我家庭破裂的主因。」

What do you call a man who shaves twenty times a day?

你如何稱呼一個每天刮20次鬍子的人？

A barber.

理髮師。

What did one eye say to the other eye?

一隻眼睛最想對另一隻眼睛說的話是什麼？

"Between you and me, man, something smells."

「老兄，你跟我之間，有個東西臭臭的。」(譯注："smell"有"臭味"的意思，"但如果是當"聞"的意思的話，就是指眼睛中間的鼻子了)

Never trust an atom; they make up everything!

別相信原子；他們什麼都是編造的！(譯注：也可以翻"他們能組成任何東西！")

I took the shell off my racing snail, 'cause I thought maybe

我把我競賽蝸牛的殼扒下來，因為我想或許

I'd make it a little faster,

我可以讓它跑得快一點。

but if anything, it's more sluggish.

結果非但沒讓它跑得更快，它反而更懶了。(譯注：龜兔賽跑的故事)

Why did the Dalek cross the road?

為什麼戴立克要過馬路？(譯注：影集〈神秘博士〉的角色)

To enslave humanity.

要去奴役人類。

What do you call Santa's little helpers?

你如何稱呼耶誕老人的小幫手？

Subordinate Clauses.

次要子句。(譯注：耶誕老人是"Santa Clause" "Subordinate"有次要的意思，而"Clause"是子句，又跟耶誕老人的第二個字同音，所以"Subordinate Clauses"就好像是比耶誕老人矮一等的職位)

What did the hat say to the hat rack?

帽子跟帽架說什麼？

"You stay here, I'll go on ahead."

「你留在這，我要向前進了。」(我要到頭上去了，head是頭，ahead是往前的意思)

Why was the broom late for work?

為什麼掃把遲到了？

'Cause it overswept. (overslept 和 overswept睡過頭的諧音）

因為它掃過頭了。

Did you hear? Oxygen and magnesium are totally going out.

你聽說了嗎？氧和鎂要出去約會。

It's, like, OMg.

這根本是，我的天。(譯注：氧的符號是"O"，鎂的符號是"Mg"，所以合在一起就變"OMg" "Oh my god" "我的天")

Did you hear that the two antennas got married?

你有聽說那兩根天線要結婚了嗎？

I heard the ceremony was kind of terrible, but the reception was awesome.

我聽說典禮還辦的蠻糟的，但婚宴倒是挺不錯。(譯注：reception是接收也是婚宴。而天線是專門發送和接收訊息的

What's ET short for?

如何用一句話交代〈ET〉這部電影？（也可翻成：為什麼 ET 那麼矮）

So he can fit on his space ship.

所以它才能進到它的太空船裡。

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows?

你聽說了那個新的枕頭了嗎？

They're making head lines.

他們頂上都縫有一條線。(譯注："Head line"是"縫一條線"，而念快一點變"Headline"是"頭條新聞"的意思，所以可以翻成"他們炒作了很多話題")

My granddad had the heart of a lion.

我的爺爺有像獅子一樣的雄心壯志。(譯注：也可以翻成"我爺爺握有一顆獅子的心臟")

...and a lifetime ban from the Bronx Zoo.

...所以他一生都沒辦法進去Bronx動物園。

Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America?

夏洛克，美國怎麼稱呼「小學」？

Elementary, my dear Watson.

elementary，我親愛的華生。(注：我超不會學他們的腔調)

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

為什麼你從沒聽過pterodactyl先生去過洗手間？

'Cause the "P" (pee) is silent.

因為"P"(尿)是無聲的。(譯注：pterodactyl的"p"不發音，而"p"的音又跟"pee" "尿"的音相同)

A Golden Retriever and an Irish Setter are on vacation.

一隻黃金獵犬和一隻愛爾蘭牧羊犬一起去度假，

The Irish Setter says to the Golden Retriever, "Man, I just met two Brazilian dogs."

愛爾蘭牧羊犬跟黃金獵犬說：「老兄，我剛剛遇到兩隻巴西狗。」

And the Golden Retriever is like: "Oh, how, how many is a Brazilian?"

然後黃金獵犬說：「哦，Brazilian 是多少？」（英文數字常以 lion 結尾例如 billion/trillion，音同 lian)

How do you cook toilet paper?

你如何火烤衛生紙？

It's easy! You just brown it, and then you throw it into the pot.

還不簡單！烤到它變棕色，然後丟到鍋子裡。(譯注：這跟上完大號後用衛生紙的步驟一模一樣，"pot"有"鍋子"或"馬桶"的意思)

Two whales walk into a bar.

兩隻鯨魚走進一家酒吧，

One of them is like: "Hmhmhnnnngnbrmuh." [whale noises]

其中一隻說：「嗯~~~嘛」(鯨魚聲)

And the other one is like,

結果另一隻鯨魚說：

"Man, Steve, go home. You are drunk!"

「史帝夫，回家去吧，你醉了。」

I wasn't sure it was possible, but here we are,

我不知道這可不可能，但看看，

fifty-three jokes and four minutes later.

4分鐘內講完52則笑話。

Thank you, everybody on Twitter, for suggesting jokes for me.

感謝推特的人提供我笑話。

If you want more like this, I've done a few of these over the years.

如果你想看更多這類影片的話，下面有我這幾年做的影片。

And John, I'll see you on Tuesday.

我是John，下個星期二見。