Name: 如何培養能應對困難的孩子｜Kathryn Hecht｜TED 演講 (How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Hard Things | Kathryn Hecht | TED)
Uploaded: 2026-02-24T21:35:40.000Z
Duration: 16 min 45 s

These soles have ground into the pavement of downtown Minneapolis.

這鞋底磨過了明尼阿波利斯市中心的柏油路。

The rubber mats of my car, the linoleum of a gas station bathroom and the play doh crusted carpet of a daycare.

我車子的橡膠踏墊、加油站廁所的塑膠地板，還有幼兒園裡沾滿黏土的地毯。

Embedded in the tread smear, a toddler booger.

鞋紋裡還嵌著一坨小嬰兒鼻涕。

Little fleck of dog poop makes you sick just thinking about it, right?

一小塊狗大便，光想就讓你覺得噁心，對吧？

And while you may not have tasted what I just tasted, you felt what I felt.

而你雖然可能沒嚐到我剛嚐到的味道，但你感受到了我感受到的。

Your sympathetic nervous system activated, increasing your heart rate and tensing your muscles.

你的交感神經系統啟動了，心跳加速、肌肉緊繃。

Your anterior insula flared, creating a feeling of disgust, little nausea, slight gag reflex.

你的前腦島活躍起來，產生了噁心的感覺、一點點想吐、輕微的嘔吐反射。

Because that discomfort, that is the first essential step to creating confident kids.

因為那種不舒服，是培養自信小孩的第一個關鍵步驟。

我的工作就是讓小孩感到不舒服。

This week I had an 8 year old stab me with a needle 20 twice, took a kid into a basement on a spider safari and played Uno on the bathroom floor with an understandably reluctant teen.

這週我遇過一個八歲小孩拿針頭刺我兩次，帶一個小孩去地下室探險蜘蛛，還跟一個明顯不太情願的青少年在浴室地板上玩 Uno。

I'm not doing this stuff because I'm an evil psychologist.

我不是因為我是個邪惡的心理學家才做這些事的。

I'm doing this because as a pediatric anxiety and OCD expert, I'm a professional bravery coach.

我這麼做是因為身為兒童焦慮症和強迫症專家，我是一位專業的勇氣教練。

I'd like to tell you about a kid that I worked with years ago named Sammy.

我想跟你們分享一個我幾年前輔導過的孩子，他叫 Sammy。

Sammy was this sweet little third grade string bean who lived for adventure.

Sammy 是個可愛的三年級小豆丁，熱愛冒險。

Bright, curious, optimistic, could tell you everything you honestly never needed to know about airport design.

他很聰明、好奇、樂觀，什麼機場設計的冷知識他都知道，而且跟你說得頭頭是道。

His brain appreciated bees, vital pollinators.

他的大腦很欣賞蜜蜂，牠們是重要的授粉者。

His body, however, reacted like they were flying yellow needles with some anger issues.

不過，他的身體卻像是看到帶有怒氣的飛行黃針一樣。

As soon as those leaves turned green, Sammy would initiate his own personal bee safety protocol.

只要葉子一變綠，Sammy 就會啟動他個人的蜜蜂安全守則。

No sweets outside, social distancing from the flowers, even staying inside during his family's cabin trips.

戶外不吃甜食、跟花保持社交距離，甚至全家去小木屋旅行時也待在室內。

When Sammy got to meet, he and his parents had tried everything to get rid of this anxiety.

當 Sammy 到了可以見面的時候，他跟他的父母試了各種方法來消除這種焦慮。

They had also debated the fear endlessly.

他們也無休止地爭論過這個恐懼。

Sammy reminded his parents they were not fortune telling wizards in four.

Sammy 會提醒父母他們不是預知未來的巫師。

How do you know this phobia was stealing Sammy's childhood?

你怎麼知道這種恐懼正在偷走 Sammy 的童年？

One sunny summer day, at a time when I sing Happy Birthday with a cringing 12 year old as loudly as possible in the grocery store produce section, when I rank order photos of vomit by chunk level or yes, when I lick my own dirty shoes, I don't just do it for fun.

一個陽光明媚的夏日，當我在超市的生鮮區，跟一個十二歲的小孩用力唱生日快樂歌，當我把嘔吐物的照片依塊狀程度排序，或是，當我舔自己髒髒的鞋子，我不是隻是為了好玩。

Although, believe it or not, Sometimes it's very fun.

雖然，信不信由你，有時候真的很好玩。

I do it for kids like Sammy because there is a method to this madness.

我這麼做是為了像 Sammy 這樣的小孩，因為這瘋狂背後是有方法的。

And after a decade of clinical practice helping kids be brave, it's become clear to me that the method, exposure therapy, isn't just the gold standard treatment for child anxiety and ocd.

經過十年的臨床實務，幫助小孩變得勇敢，我發現，這種方法，也就是暴露療法，不只是兒童焦慮和強迫症的黃金標準治療。

It is a secret parenting playbook for raising kids that thrive.

這是一本育兒祕笈，教你養出茁壯的孩子。

I want to share that secret playbook with you today.

But before we talk about what to do, we need to talk about what we are up against.

但我們在談論該怎麼做之前，我們要先談談我們面對的是什麼。

It's a wild, worried world out there, folks.

外面的世界很瘋狂、很令人擔憂，各位。

According to the National Survey of Children's Health, pediatric anxiety diagnoses rose by nearly 30% from 2016 to 2019.

根據國家兒童健康調查，從 2016 年到 2019 年，兒童焦慮症的診斷增加了近 30%。

And that was before COVID But you don't need stats or lists.

而且那還是在 COVID 之前，但你不需要數據或列表。

You have felt this because thanks to evolutionary biology, when kids get anxious, adults get anxious too.

你感受到了，因為根據演化生物學，孩子焦慮時，大人也會跟著焦慮。

Now I have two girls and home is the hardest clinic that I have to work in.

我現在有兩個女兒，家裡是我最難搞的診間。

When one of my little gals looks up at me with the big teary eyes, AKA the mommy bat signal, my nervous system does the same thing that yours does.

當我的小寶貝用她那水汪汪的大眼睛看著我，也就是所謂的「媽媽求救訊號」，我的神經系統就會跟你一樣。

It responds as though I have discovered that the kitchen is on fire.

它會反應得好像我發現廚房著火了一樣。

The amygdala, the watchdog in our brain, starts barking and the fight or flight system kicks in and adrenaline surges and there is this instant magical transfer of distress.

杏仁核，我們大腦裡的守衛，開始狂吠，戰鬥或逃跑系統啟動，腎上腺素飆升，焦慮感瞬間神奇地傳染開來。

她的緊急狀況變成我的緊急狀況。

Now I am proof that professional degrees do not make you immune to this.

我就是證明，專業學位並不能讓你免疫於此。

In my eldest daughter's four short years of life, I have become a one woman emotional SWAT team more times than I can count.

在我大女兒短短四年的生命裡，我當過無數次一人份的情緒特種部隊。

I've answered questions for my daughter when she clams up with a new adult.

我曾在我女兒面對陌生大人而退縮時，替她回答問題。

I've sacrificed my sleep and allowed our little human space heater into the big bed for the night.

我犧牲睡眠，讓家裡的小暖爐整晚窩進大床。

I have forfeited all privacy while peeing because even that closed bathroom door feels too far away.

我連上廁所的隱私都放棄了，因為即使是關上的浴室門，也感覺太遠了。

Now all of this is what I call parenting for comfort.

這一切，我稱之為「為了安撫而做的教養」。

And it is the single most natural and well meaning and deeply flawed thing that we do in the anxiety treatment world.

這也是我們身處焦慮治療世界裡，最自然、最出發點良好，卻又充滿缺陷的一件事。

Parenting for comfort has another name, accommodation.

為了安撫而做的教養，還有另一個名字，叫做「遷就」。

In my office, it looks like the parents who removed everything green from the house because green meant vomit.

在我的辦公室裡，這就像是有些父母把家裡所有綠色的東西都移走，因為綠色代表嘔吐。

In Sammy's case, it looked like kind, loving parents who altered family plans from outdoor fun to indoor fun.

在珊米的例子裡，這就像是善良有愛的父母，把家庭計畫從戶外樂趣改成了室內樂趣。

No picnics at the park, no meals on the deck at the cabin.

沒有公園野餐，也沒有小屋的甲板用餐。

Parenting for comfort is not limited to the parents of anxious kids.

為了安撫而做的教養，不只發生在焦慮症小孩的父母身上。

It's also the common thread in the last 30 years of parenting trends.

這也是過去三十年教養趨勢裡，最常見的共同點。

From the helicopter parenting of yore to the gentle parenting of today.

從以前的直升機式教養，到現在的溫和式教養。

All of it is rooted in this idea that healthy is a synonym for happy.

這些全都源自於一個想法：健康就是快樂的同義詞。

But I have watched this approach play out hundreds of times in my office, and

但我在我的辦公室裡看過這種做法上演幾百次了，

I can tell you there are three big problems with parenting for comfort.

我可以告訴你，為了安撫而做的教養有三個大問題。

First, it places an incredible burden on parents.

第一，它給了父母巨大的壓力。

It turns us into this stressed out member of the feeling secret service tasked with controlling something we just can't another person's emotional experience.

這會讓我們變成一個壓力山大的「情緒祕密特工」，負責控制我們根本無法控制的，另一個人的情緒體驗。

Second, it teaches kids that hard feelings are an emergency.

第二，它教孩子們，負面情緒是緊急狀況。

When we cancel that picnic in July or open the bathroom door midstream, we may not say it, but

當我們取消七月的野餐，或是在中途打開浴室門時，我們可能沒說出口，但

our actions shout, this feeling is a problem.

我們的行為大聲說，這種感覺是個問題。

We can't eliminate the pain or mistakes of childhood.

我們無法消除童年的痛苦或錯誤。

They're a part of the process of growing up.

We cannot guarantee emotional comfort when discomfort is a side effect of being alive.

當不適是活著的副作用時，我們無法保證情緒上的安慰。

If life won't promise comfort, our parenting can't either.

如果生活無法保證舒適，我們的教養也無法。

Instead of parenting for comfort, we need to be parenting for confidence.

我們需要教養孩子建立自信，而不是追求安撫。

When you parent for confidence, you flip the script.

當你以建立自信為目標教養時，你就翻轉了劇本。

Our goal is not to get rid of anxiety, uncertainty, or distress.

我們的目標不是要消除焦慮、不確定或痛苦。

Our goal is to build coping efficacy, what I call handlebility.

我們的目標是建立應對的效能，也就是我說的「處理能力」。

This deep in your bones belief, I can handle it.

這份深植骨髓的信念，就是「我做得到」。

That is the heart of exposure therapy and the key to raising kids that thrive.

這就是暴露療法的心法，也是培養出茁壯孩子的關鍵。

Not avoiding hard feelings, but experiencing them and still saying, I can do this.

不是迴避難受的感覺，而是去體驗它，然後說「我做得到」。

Our kids don't require a comfortable life.

我們的孩子不需要舒適的生活。

他們需要的是與不適處好關係。

你要怎麼教養孩子，讓他們有「處理能力」？

When Sammy got to me, all that he and his parents had tried hadn't really worked.

Sammy 找到我時，他和他的父母嘗試過的一切都沒什麼效果。

And he was waiting to see if I would waste his time too.

他也在等著看我會不會也浪費他的時間。

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如何培養能應對困難的孩子｜Kathryn Hecht｜TED 演講 (How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Hard Things | Kathryn Hecht | TED)

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anxiety

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distraction