Name: 驚爆祕密警察體能測驗！Smoking Diplomacy 揭開馬阿拉歌性愛人犬混種內幕？！ (The Secret Police Fitness Test | Smoking Diplomacy | Sexualized Human-Dog Hybrids At Mar-a-Lago)
Uploaded: 2026-01-18T17:37:35.000Z
Duration: 12 min 19 s

One and all, welcome in here, out there, Mr. And Mrs.

各位觀眾，無論您在哪裡，都歡迎來到這裡。

America and all the ships at sea to the Late Show.

美國以及海上所有的船隻，歡迎收看 Late Show。

我是你們的主持人，Stephen Colbert。

Now come on, that is water in the desert.

好啦，這簡直是沙漠中的甘泉。

I sincere sincerely thank you for that warm and wonderful welcome.

我真的非常感謝大家熱情又美好的歡迎。

Cause I don't know about you folks, I don't know about you, but

因為我不知道你們各位怎麼樣，我不知道你們，但是

I have found the first couple of weeks of 2026 to be a grade A extra crispy cluster munch of suckitud.

我發現 2026 年的頭幾週，簡直是等級 A 的酥脆，難以下嚥。

There ain't no chrome left on that trailer hitch.

Case in point, this morning, with Minnesota under siege by masked armed goons victimizing American citizens, Trump threatened to invoke the Insurrection Act.

舉個例子，今天早上，明尼蘇達州遭到蒙面武裝暴徒的圍攻，侵害美國公民，川普威脅要援引叛亂法。

嗯，這樣大家就會冷靜下來了。

I'm sure Minnesotans will just love that.

我相信明尼蘇達州的人們會超喜歡的。

That's why all the protesters signed, say ice, go home, then come back in a tank.

這就是為什麼所有抗議者都簽名說，冰，回家，然後開著坦克回來。

The Insurrection act allows the President to deploy members of the military or federalize the State National Guard to contain an insurrection in a US State and.

叛亂法允許總統部署軍隊成員或將州國民警衛隊聯邦化，以鎮壓美國某州的叛亂，並且。

The thousands of ICE agents who are in Minnesota already are doing nothing but inflaming the population with their fear tactics and their violence.

那些已經在明尼蘇達州的數千名ICE探員，他們只會用恐嚇和暴力來激怒民眾。

And there's a reason these ICE Asians seem to have no idea what they're doing, because they don't.

而這些ICE的亞洲面孔似乎不知道自己在幹嘛，這是有原因的，因為他們確實不知道。

this is true, we just learned that during ICE's recent rush to hire 10,000 new agents, there was an error in how the applications were processed, leading ICE to send many new recruits into field offices without proper training.

這是真的，我們剛剛得知，在ICE最近急著招募一萬名新探員的過程中，申請資料處理出現了錯誤，導致ICE讓許多新招募的探員在沒有經過適當訓練的情況下就進入了外勤單位。

We have footage of one of the untrained agents.

我們有其中一位未受訓探員的畫面。

Technically, technically, we don't know if that guy is trained or not, but

嚴格來說，嚴格來說，我們不知道那個人有沒有受過訓練，但是

Apparently, there are two different training tracks for ICE applicants.

看來 ICE 申請人有兩種不同的訓練途徑。

There are recruits who are already law enforcement officers.

有些新進人員本身就是執法人員。

But applicants without law enforcement backgrounds are required to take an eight week course.

但沒有執法背景的申請人則需要上八週的課程。

I feel like it should take longer to become an unaccountable armed member of a secret police than it does to take classical chain making for absolute beginners at the 92nd Street.

我覺得要成為一個不用負責的祕密警察武裝成員，應該要比在 92 街上學絕對初學者的古典鍊條製作課程還要久。

Apparently the application screening process hit a little snag when the AI tool that ICE was using to screen applicants sent people with the word officer on their resumes to the shorter training regimen, including those who had been A compliance officer or people who said they aspired to be ICE officers.

據說申請篩選過程有點小波折，因為 ICE 用來篩選申請人的 AI 工具，把履歷上有「officer」這個詞的人都歸類到較短的訓練課程，包括那些已經是合規官員的人，或是說他們夢想成為 ICE 官員的人。

And most common of all, those who said, I'll have to double check with my parole officer.

而最常見的，是那些說「我得去跟我的假釋官確認一下」的人。

好的，假釋官，假釋官，有人嗎？

Here on international news, no one likes us because Trump continues to insist he's going to take over Greenland.

在國際新聞這裡，沒人喜歡我們，因為川普持續堅持他要接管格陵蘭。

It's something, something national security.

My dad never went to my little league games.

我爸從來沒去看過我打少棒的比賽。

Yesterday, to try to talk Trump out of invading a NATO ally, the Danish and Greenlandic foreign ministers met at the White House with J.D.

昨天，為了試圖說服川普不要入侵一個北約盟友，丹麥和格陵蘭的外交部長在白宮會見了 J.D.。

vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio.

Afterwards, Denmark said it did not manage to dissuade President Donald Trump from seeking to conquer Greenland.

之後，丹麥表示他們沒辦法說服川普總統不要去攻打格陵蘭。

That's the kind of sentence you normally only hear in a 1940s newsreel.

這種句子你平常只會在 1940 年代的紀錄片裡聽到。

Denmark's Foreign Minister fails to slow the president's march toward the icy continent.

丹麥外交部長沒能阻止總統進軍冰洲大陸。

Now a message from Bourbonnette, the only hard liquor scientifically formulated for expected mothers.

現在是 Bourbonnette 的廣告，這是唯一一種科學配方、專為預產期媽媽設計的烈酒。

Are you getting enough liquor for your infant?

More proof of how bad the vibes of this meeting were.

這又證明瞭這次會議的氣氛有多糟。

Afterwards, cameras caught Danish and Greenlandic officials having a smoke in the parking lot.

之後，攝影機拍到丹麥和格陵蘭官員在停車場抽菸。

So tell me, does JD Vance wear eyeliner or are his eyes like that from staring into the abyss?

所以告訴我，JD Vance 有化眼線嗎？還是他的眼睛就是這樣，因為他一直盯著深淵？

Then two foreign ministers held a press conference.

然後兩位外交部長召開了記者會。

For US Ideas that would not respect territorial integrity of the kingdom of Denmark and the right of self determination of the Greenlandic people are, of course, totally unacceptable.

美國那些不尊重丹麥王國領土完整和格陵蘭人民自決權的「想法」，當然是完全無法接受的。

It is vital for NATO allies to stand up and assert their sovereignty in this perilous moment.

在這個危險的時刻，北約盟友站出來維護主權至關重要。

They look like they're attending a wedding at an elementary school.

他們看起來像是在小學參加婚禮。

The Danish foreign minister also clapped back to a recent insult from Trump about how Greenland's defense is only two sled dogs.

丹麥外交部長也回擊了川普最近的侮辱，川普說格陵蘭的防禦只有兩隻雪橇犬。

There's also always a bit of truth in what he's saying.

Well, we also have dog slaves to our special forces.

嗯，我們的特種部隊也有狗奴隸。

We're going to send the Marines to kill Paw Patrol after that.

我們要派海軍陸戰隊去殺汪汪隊立大功。

After that, the minister headed over to Fox News to answer some dumb questions from Brett Baier.

之後，部長前往 Fox News 回答 Brett Baier 的一些蠢問題。

You also don't believe the US Is going to invade Greenland, do you?

你也不相信美國會入侵格陵蘭，對吧？

Minister, as someone who has Spent a lot of time hoping Trump doesn't do stuff he eventually does.

部長，就像一個花了很多時間希望川普不要做他最終還是會做的事情的人一樣。

If you put wine in a travel mug, you can drink lying down.

如果你把酒倒進保溫杯，就可以躺著喝。

Hey, you know who's pretty sure the United States isn't going to invade a NATO country?

嘿，你知道誰很確定美國不會入侵北約國家嗎？

Because yesterday Germany announced they are sending troops to Greenland, making it the first time in human history anyone ever said, good news.

因為德國昨天宣佈要派兵到格陵蘭，這是人類史上第一次有人說，好消息。