Alas, real life is no fairy tale.

唉！現實人生畢竟不是童話故事。

-Here's why Disney princes.... -So, this is love. -would make terrible boyfriends.

-這就是為何迪士尼白馬王子... -這就是愛呀。 -是糟糕透頂的交往對象。

-My dad threw this party so I could meet a girl who is... - Emotionally independent... -Hot and rich like us

-我爸辦這場派對是為了讓我遇到... -情感上獨立的女性... -和我們一樣性感和有錢的女孩。

So, will you marry me?

所以，妳願意嫁給我嗎？

I think I left my straightener on.

我好像忘記把電棒直髮器關掉了。

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Hey!

嘿！醒醒！起來啊！

What are you doing?

你想幹嘛？

Oh, thank god I thought you were dead.

謝天謝地！我還以為妳掛了！

Then why would you try to kiss me?

那你幹嘛試著要偷親我？

Uh, hold on, don't change the subject—who are these seven guys texting you?

喔，等等，別轉移話題，這七個傳簡訊給你的男生是誰？

Uh, they're just my roommates.

喔，他們只是我室友。

So now that we live together, we need to establish a few ground rules.

既然現在我們要開始同居，我們需要訂下一些基本規定。

Actually, I'm a little hungry.

我有點餓耶！

You are not allowed to step foot into that side of the house, especially my room—ever!

妳不准踏進房子的那一側，尤其是我房間，永遠不准。

It is forbidden.

完全禁止。

Okay, does that include the bathroom...

好吧，那也包括浴室嗎？

Also, I'm gonna need to know where you are and what you're doing at all times.

還有，我隨時要都要知道妳在哪裡、做什麼。

Because sometimes I get lonely.

因為有時候我會很孤單。

Do this and I'll release your father from my basement.

妳照著做，我才會把你爸從地下室放出來。

You kidnapped my dad?

你綁架我爸？

Nailed it!

做得真好！

Who are you talking to?

你是在跟誰說話呀?

Uh, excuse me, miss?

呃，小姐，不好意思。

Have you seen my girlfriend?

妳有看到我女朋友嗎？

Eric, it's me.

Eric，是我啊。

Yeah, you look familiar, but...

對耶，妳看起來很眼熟，但...

Wait, I follow you on Twitter, right?

咦，我有在推特上追蹤妳，對不對？

You don't remember the crazy lady you stabbed with a boat for me?

你不記得你曾為了我用船撞爛了一個瘋女人？

I think I know what the love of my life looks like.

我想我自己知道我命中注定的真愛長怎樣。

Even your dog knows it's me.

連狗狗都知道是我了。

Let me get my dog back.

把我的狗還來。

Reina? Where'd you go?

芮娜？妳要去哪？

Oh, sorry, babe. You think you can spot me?

喔，寶貝抱歉，你可以幫我「代墊」一下嗎？

Again?

又來了？

My parents just cut me off.

我爸媽不給我錢了。

No, you need to get a job.

不要，你得去找份工作。

Ha ha ha ha! I got a job.

哈哈哈！我有工作啊！

My music.

音樂就是我的工作。

♪You woke up like that, you woke up like that, flawless.♪

妳那般醒來，完美無瑕。

You know what? Have fun making love to your mini guitar.

好喔，祝你和你的迷你吉他「玩」得愉快！

It's a ukulele.

是烏克麗麗。

Can I at least borrow your car to get home?

可以至少借我開妳的車回家嗎？

Take the bus!

搭巴士！

♪You're so fancy, you already know.♪

妳好正點，妳懂的。

Wait, your name is not Ali?

等等，你不是叫阿里嗎？

♪Prince Ali, no Aladin, yeah that's me a compulsive liar, someone who plunders♪

我阿里王子是也，並非阿拉丁，說謊成性、奪人財產。

Uh, why are you singing?

幹嘛要用唱的?

♪I told you what you wanted to hear to get inside your cave of wonders♪

我對妳說妳想聽的，以一探妳的神秘之穴。

My cave of what now?

我的啥毀之穴？

♪The mansion we slept in was one that I crept in, the way I get laid is through deceit.♪

我們夜宿於我私闖的民宅，我騙色騙財。

Who are you people?

你們是何方神聖？

♪The car that we rode in was one that I'd stolen but who needs a ride when you live on the street?♪

我們所乘坐之轎車為我所竊，若淪為街友何需以車代步？

You're homeless?

你是流浪漢？

♪That monkey you swear follows us everywhere is my one and only friend♪

我唯一的好友就是跟著我們到處跑、被妳天天咒罵的猴子。

So yeah, I've had the absolute worst luck with dating lately. What about you?

我最近的桃花運很糟糕，你咧？

This is a little awkward... I kind of thought you were a dude.

說來尷尬，我還以為妳是男的。

Excuse me?

啥毀？

-It's just from certain angles, and your hair is pulled back in these photos. -I have boobs.

-從某些角度看起來真的很像，還有照片裡妳的頭髮綁起來了。 -我有胸部！

Yeah, sorry... I guess I made a man out of you.

對啦，抱歉，我想我把妳當作是男的了。

I have been looking everywhere for you.

我到處尋找妳的下落。

You know what? I'm done with Disney princes.

你知道嗎? 我受夠迪士尼王子了。

Being single never bothered me anyway.

單身也沒什麼不好。

And she lived happily ever after.

從此她過著幸福快樂的生活。

Why does this always keep happening to me?

為何這種事總是發生在我身上？

Hey, how are you doing?

嗨！你好嗎？

Ladies love it when you kidnap their fathers.

女孩們就喜歡你綁架她們的爸爸。

I'm gonna build her a library if you know what I mean.

我要替她蓋一座圖書館，你懂的。

And by that I mean I'm actually going to build a library.

我的意思是，我真的要替她蓋一座圖書館。

Seriously, who are you talking to?

說真的，你在跟誰說話？

I'm talking to Lumiere!

我在跟 Lumiere 說話！