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-Thank you. Thank you very much.
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It's so great to be here.
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I just met my boyfriend's son.
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He's 10.
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We went to the park, and I bought him ice cream,
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so I'm a mom.
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[ Laughter ]
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It's so easy to be a mom.
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I don't know why they're always so tired.
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[ Laughter ]
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He's not quite used to me yet.
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Like, he doesn't look at me in the face when he talks to me.
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He doesn't call me by my name.
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He calls me "Where's My Dad?"
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[ Laughter ]
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It's hard to date someone with a child when you don't have one.
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It creates this imbalance in the relationship
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because my boyfriend always has to take care of his son.
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So I said, "Why don't we get a dog?
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So you can have your kid and I'll have a dog."
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And he's like, "I don't want a dog."
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So I was like, "Then get rid of your son."
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[ Laughter ]
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My boyfriend just turned 50. Hm.
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Oh, my God.
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So, uh...
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I forgot he was turning 50.
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I went to his 50th birthday party,
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and I was like, "Oh, my God."
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[ Laughter ]
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[ Applause ]
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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I can't believe he's almost 100.
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[ Laughter ]
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And now all these, like,
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mean old-man thoughts are creeping into my head.
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You know, like the other day, he came up to me, and he said,
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"Please live with me,"
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and I said, "Please live."
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[ Laughter ]
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And he has really warm skin all the time.
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So I finally asked him,
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I said, "Why is your skin always so hot?"
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And he said, "I have high blood pressure."
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And I said, "I like it.
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I'm always cold at night.
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Let's keep that salt in your diet.
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Let's keep that blood pressure nice and high.
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We're gonna save money on blankets!"
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I'm 6 feet tall.
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Oh, wait, no. You can't say "tall" anymore. It's offensive.
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I am vertically obese.
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[ Laughter ]
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I like to eat. I eat a lot of chicken.
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My friend's like, "You need to eat free-range chicken."
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I said, "I don't care about the personality of my chicken.
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[ Laughter ]
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I like all chickens."
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She said, "Free-range is really healthy."
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So, I Googled it.
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I went online, and free-range chicken
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is just chicken that's free.
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It's just on a field, having a good time
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with all the other chickens
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and all that range.
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And I was watching these chickens, and I said to myself,
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"I can't eat these chickens.
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They're way too happy."
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[ Laughter ]
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We need to eat no-range chickens.
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No-range chickens are trapped and they want to die.
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[ Laughter ]
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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They should put it right on the packaging --
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"no-range, severely depressed chickens.
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We were trapped in life, and now we're trapped in this package.
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50% off."
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My parents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.
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[ Cheers and applause ] I know. It's crazy.
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I asked my dad, "What's the secret to 50 years of marriage?"
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He's like, "She won't die."
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[ Laughter ]
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I know my boyfriend and I
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are never gonna reach 50 years of marriage.
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First of all, we're not even married,
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so we can't even start counting.
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And second of all, he's 50.
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[ Laughter ]
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There's no way he's gonna make it to 100.
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Not with all that salt I'm putting in his diet.
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So, I got to bars alone sometimes
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'cause I'm not technically a mom.
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And this man approached me out of the blue,
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and he goes, "You're awkwardly hot."
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[ Laughter ]
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What?
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What does that even mean, "awkwardly hot"?
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I've never even heard those two words put together.
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How do you even say thank you to "awkwardly hot"?
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T-Thanks. [ Smacks lips ]
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[ Laughter, applause ]
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Is that awkwardly hot?
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How much of awkwardly hot is hot?
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Men don't explain their compliments.
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One time, this man approached me, and he goes,
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[whispering] "There's something about you that's sexy."
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[ Normally ] And I was like, "What is it?"
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[ Laughter ]
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And he's like, "Not that."
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I'm Carmen Lynch. Thank you so much!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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♪♪
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-Oh, fantastic. Look at that. Carmen Lynch!
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For more, follow her @CarmenComedian.
