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  • -Thank you. Thank you very much.

  • It's so great to be here.

  • I just met my boyfriend's son.

  • He's 10.

  • We went to the park, and I bought him ice cream,

  • so I'm a mom.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's so easy to be a mom.

  • I don't know why they're always so tired.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He's not quite used to me yet.

  • Like, he doesn't look at me in the face when he talks to me.

  • He doesn't call me by my name.

  • He calls me "Where's My Dad?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's hard to date someone with a child when you don't have one.

  • It creates this imbalance in the relationship

  • because my boyfriend always has to take care of his son.

  • So I said, "Why don't we get a dog?

  • So you can have your kid and I'll have a dog."

  • And he's like, "I don't want a dog."

  • So I was like, "Then get rid of your son."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • My boyfriend just turned 50. Hm.

  • Oh, my God.

  • So, uh...

  • I forgot he was turning 50.

  • I went to his 50th birthday party,

  • and I was like, "Oh, my God."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I can't believe he's almost 100.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And now all these, like,

  • mean old-man thoughts are creeping into my head.

  • You know, like the other day, he came up to me, and he said,

  • "Please live with me,"

  • and I said, "Please live."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And he has really warm skin all the time.

  • So I finally asked him,

  • I said, "Why is your skin always so hot?"

  • And he said, "I have high blood pressure."

  • And I said, "I like it.

  • I'm always cold at night.

  • Let's keep that salt in your diet.

  • Let's keep that blood pressure nice and high.

  • We're gonna save money on blankets!"

  • I'm 6 feet tall.

  • Oh, wait, no. You can't say "tall" anymore. It's offensive.

  • I am vertically obese.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I like to eat. I eat a lot of chicken.

  • My friend's like, "You need to eat free-range chicken."

  • I said, "I don't care about the personality of my chicken.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I like all chickens."

  • She said, "Free-range is really healthy."

  • So, I Googled it.

  • I went online, and free-range chicken

  • is just chicken that's free.

  • It's just on a field, having a good time

  • with all the other chickens

  • and all that range.

  • And I was watching these chickens, and I said to myself,

  • "I can't eat these chickens.

  • They're way too happy."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We need to eat no-range chickens.

  • No-range chickens are trapped and they want to die.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • They should put it right on the packaging --

  • "no-range, severely depressed chickens.

  • We were trapped in life, and now we're trapped in this package.

  • 50% off."

  • My parents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] I know. It's crazy.

  • I asked my dad, "What's the secret to 50 years of marriage?"

  • He's like, "She won't die."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I know my boyfriend and I

  • are never gonna reach 50 years of marriage.

  • First of all, we're not even married,

  • so we can't even start counting.

  • And second of all, he's 50.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • There's no way he's gonna make it to 100.

  • Not with all that salt I'm putting in his diet.

  • So, I got to bars alone sometimes

  • 'cause I'm not technically a mom.

  • And this man approached me out of the blue,

  • and he goes, "You're awkwardly hot."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What?

  • What does that even mean, "awkwardly hot"?

  • I've never even heard those two words put together.

  • How do you even say thank you to "awkwardly hot"?

  • T-Thanks. [ Smacks lips ]

  • [ Laughter, applause ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Is that awkwardly hot?

  • How much of awkwardly hot is hot?

  • Men don't explain their compliments.

  • One time, this man approached me, and he goes,

  • [whispering] "There's something about you that's sexy."

  • [ Normally ] And I was like, "What is it?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And he's like, "Not that."

  • I'm Carmen Lynch. Thank you so much!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • -Oh, fantastic. Look at that. Carmen Lynch!

  • For more, follow her @CarmenComedian.

-Thank you. Thank you very much.

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A2 初級

Carmen Lynch Stand-Up (Carmen Lynch Stand-Up)

  • 5 0
    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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