Fafa: Flying: the safest, fastest way to travel.

Mario: Flying: guaranteed to leave you stressed and exhausted when you reach your destination.

Fafa: You're using a plane to get somewhere, but there's some other things you got to get to first.

The plane people say you should get to the airport 90 minutes before your flight.

Mario: That is insane! I will leave whenever I want!

Fafa: No, get there early! 30 minutes before your flight's when all the airport personnel take their breaks.

Best option: a family member drives you to the airport.

Then, close friend,

friend of a friend,

taxi,

and finally, drive yourself to the airport and spend more money on parking than on your flight to Zimbabwe.

Okay, you're in the airport. Now, you got a deal with only three types of people:

Airport personnel...

Mario: Hello! Take of your shoes and step into my x-ray machine.

Fafa: ...idiots...

Mario: I'm allowed SIX carry-ons, right?

Fafa: ...and jerks.

Mario: Oh, Zone 1 can board.

Let me through! I'm Zone 3!

Fafa: Prepare only encounter these three types of people, and get to your gate early.

Mario: Early?! I don't care anymore. I am in the airport, and they will hold the plane for me!

Fafa: Right, they'll hold the plane and make the hundred people you're traveling with late.

And the two hundred people of the next airport late, and everyone will hate you.

Mario: Fine, I won't stop for Cinnabon. Anything else I need to know?

Fafa: Yeah, besides the pilot, everyone's gonna take their shoes off at some point.

Mario: Gross!

Fafa: Congratulations, you're on the plane! So, relax and sit back, probably next to a jerk.

Johnny T: Jerks? What are you guys talking about?

Fafa: How people act on airplanes.

Johnny T.: Wha? You serious? That's been done by freaking everybody!

Every comedian I know gots a routine about how planes are a pile of crap!

Fafa: This is more like a guide, Johnny. We're telling people what they might not know.

Johnny T.: Oh, I got you. Like this:

Liam Neeson! When you're saving the plane from them bad guys in your movie,

don't blow a chunk out of the side a plane! Somebody's gonna get sucked through the air hole!

Fafa: No, Johnny. We're giving PRACTICAL advice.

Johnny T.: That is practical! I've seen it happen in dozens of movies!

Fafa: When traveling alone, you could be seated next to anybody.

Johnny T.: Yeah, it could be a fat dude, a screaming baby,

or somebody who's gotta pee, like, every five minutes.

Fafa: If you lose the airplane seat roulette, and get stuck next to someone awful,

put on headphones and pretend to sleep.

Johnny T.: But don't pull out your computer! That won't work.

Mario: Whatcha doing?

What are you working on?

What is your job?

Fafa: You have no control over who sits next to you. What you do have control over is your chair.

Okay, there are two schools of thought: those that recline their chairs...

Mario: ...and those who decline to recline!

Fafa: If the person in front of you leans their seat back,

you will have no choice but to recline as well.

Mario: Or, have your legs crushed into your chest, ribs, and stomach.

Fafa: This can create a domino effect, so if the person in seat 23A leans his seat back into you,

don't get mad at him. This may have started in seat 7A.

Mario: Screw that! I'm sitting in an exit row!

Johnny T.: You gotta pay for that.

(cha-ching)

These days, the airline makes you pay for freaking everything!

Check your bag? You gotta pay!

(cha-ching)

Want some food? You gotta pay!

(cha-ching)

Headphones-- you gotta pay!

(cha-ching)

Fafa: And now, they charge for sitting in an exit row!

Johnny T.: Yeah, you think the airline would want smart people in the seat,

one who opens the emergency door in case of a potential disaster,

But no! What kind of dummy pays 50 extra bucks

for a seat that don't recline, and got nowhere to put your bags?!

Mario: Plane is landed!

HOORAY!

Fafa: Yeah, but you still have to get OFF the plane, and this is worse than Los Angeles rush hour.

Think of the tiny aisle that the beverage cart barely fits in as a highway. Everyone has to merge onto it.

Mario: Can I push my way through if I am VERY tired of being on plane?

Fafa: No! It only takes one jerk to not merge with everyone else,

and cause a gridlock and make everyone late.

Johnny T.: Thanks a lot, dummy! I missed my connecting flight to Maui!

Now, I got to spend a night in South Dakota!

Mario: I am off the plane!

Johnny T.: Yeah, but you ain't got your bag yet. You gotta wait for that.

Mario: I have to wait more?! For how long?

Johnny T.: Eh, probably, like, 30 minutes.

And if they lost your bag --which they DO do-- then you got no pants for your trip.

Just them sweaty drawers you've been stewing in the last five hours.

Mario: There is no... stew in my drawers.

Johnny T.: I was referring to the general you.

Fafa: We hope you enjoyed your day of airplane travel.

Mario: I did! The movie they showed was "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"!

Fafa: With patience and common sense, you can get through the airplane experience with minimal stress.

Johnny T.: Yeah, and if you end up sitting next to Liam Neeson,

ask him if he's really got the biggest *whistles* in Hollywood.

Fafa: Johnny!

Johnny: Wha?! I can't whistle?!

(ding)

Captain (on P.A.): Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

If those of you on the left side of the aircraft look out your windows, you'll be able to get a glimpse at the...

uhhh, 15 planes that have to take off before we can.

(Gorillas complaining)

(party horn; crunch)