Name: 另一半生悶氣該怎麼辦？3分鐘心理學秒懂背後原因與解答！ (How to Handle Sulkers)
Uploaded: 2022-04-05T21:01:10.000Z
Duration: 3 min 31 s

We like to put on a sunny façade, but behind closed doors, many of us go in for one of the most tragicomic behaviors of relationships.

我們會在人前裝出樂觀開朗的的假面表象，背地裡卻陷入一種最可悲的關係互動行為。

A sulk typically starts over a disappointment.

Most often over an objectively rather small matter.

Lars didn't ask Mille how her day was. Christine forgot to notice Lauret's new haircut.

像是，萊斯忘記問米勒今天是否過得好、克麗絲汀沒有注意到勞倫的新髮型。

Woori wasn't paying Chung Ho enough attention at the party.

A domestic cold-war where enquiries as to "what's wrong?" are met with by one resolute stony word, "Nothing."

家裡隨著一方問起「你怎麼了？」而對方用簡短而無情的答覆「沒事。」開始冷戰。

What is a sulk? It's made up of two things:

「生悶氣」到底是什麼？它通常由兩件事所組成：

disappointment and a deep-seated refusal to explain what the disappointment is about.

失望和拒絕解釋有關失望的原因。

Why don't we tell our lovers what's upsetting us?

為什麼我們不告訴另一半我們在氣什麼？

After all, we explain so many things to so many people in the course of our lives.

畢竟，我們一生中已經對許多人解釋了許多事。

We don't explain because of a peculiar assumption about the nature of love.

選擇不解釋，只是因為...我們對於愛有個特殊的預設立場。

[Love means not having to spell everything out]

[愛意味著不必把所有事情都說清楚]

Even people who are very good with words might not, when they're with their lover, be in the mood to explain very much.

即使那些口若懸河的人，面對伴侶時也可能沒有心情去解釋。

Where does this commitment silence come from?

It begins when we first learn about love.

這源於我們剛開始去學習、認識愛之時。

When we were tiny we couldn't and didn't need to make our intentions known directly to those who loved us best.

年幼時，我們無法、也不需要讓那些最愛我們的人了解我們的想法。

They knew what we wanted to eat just like that.

They made sure we were comfortable. They took the trouble to guess what we wanted.

總是能讓我們感到舒服、總是不厭其煩的去猜想我們想要什麼。

This gave us a template, but a deeply unhelpful one, about what adult love might be like.

於是，這給了我們成人間相愛模式的印象，一個毫無助益的印象。

In the early days of a new relationship, there are some blissful moments when two people understand each other without needing to say very much.

一段關係剛開始時，有些很美好的時光，兩個人不需說太多，也能互相理解。

They magically agree on things, they sense a connection unlike any other, but this is ultimately very misleading.

在事情的看法都出奇的一致、彼此心靈相通，但這個想法其實是大錯特錯。

In truth all of us are as adults bafflingly complicated.

實際上，身為成人的我們心智極為複雜。

To expect someone to understand us long-term without us having to explain is equivalent to expecting someone to work out how nuclear fission works simply by looking at the outside a power station.

期待不用多做解釋，對方也能一直理解我們，就形同要求一個人只看核電廠外觀，就理解核分裂一樣。

For others not to understand this without explanation is no sign they're evil, just that they're human.

那些你沒解釋時並不了解你的人，並不是壞人，他們就只是「普通人」而已。

Before retreating into a sulk, we should always do our partners the honor of a small seminar.

生悶氣前，我們應該先替伴侶上個課。

Part of love means accepting the need to teach others in kind and patient ways about who we are.

因為「愛」也意味著以平和、耐心的方式告訴對方「什麼是真實的我」

At the same time, when we unwittingly unleash a sulk, we should realize that the sulker is being strange in silent not because they're mean but because, at heart, they're scared.

同時，當我們不自覺生悶氣時，我們應該理解生悶氣的人之所以沉默，不是因為他們難搞，而是因為內心恐懼。

They may be big and competent in many areas,

他們也許在許多領域成就斐然，

yet inside they must be feeling like a defenseless baby in the hands of someone who seems not to know how to look after them.

但在內心，他們仍然是個脆弱的嬰兒，落在一個不知道如何照料他的人手中。

The greatest gift we can give our lovers are explanations as calm as we can make them using lots of words about what we're truly like in all our madness, complexity, and strangeness.

我們能給伴侶最大的禮物，就是盡可能平和地去解釋我們生氣的原因。在這種剪不斷、理還亂的情況下，用清楚的言辭說明我們真實的想法。