Name: 喬恩·史都華談川普的伊朗襲擊與科斯塔談戰爭更新及克莉絲汀·諾姆的罷免｜每日秀 (Jon Stewart on Trump's Iran Attack & Kosta on War Updates and Kristi Noem's Ouster | The Daily Show)
Uploaded: 2026-03-17T02:14:05.000Z
Duration: 41 min 22 s

Israel launched a surprise war against Iran.

以色列對伊朗發動了一場突襲戰爭。

轉承詞

I call it a surprise war because here's what one of the mediators said after negotiations on Friday.

我稱之為突襲戰爭，是因為這是一位調解人在週五談判後說的話。

I am confident and in my assessment of the way the talks are going, the peace deal is within our reach.

我很有信心，根據我對談判進展的評估，和平協議就在我們手中。

But it turns out the bombshit button was much closer.

但結果是 bombshit button 離我們更近了。

The devastating effects of a regional war have made everyone very nervous and one person very happy.

區域戰爭的毀滅性影響讓每個人都非常緊張，而一個人卻非常高興。

This enables us to do what I have long hoped to do for 40 years, what I've had four decades of regime change.

這讓我們能夠做我長久以來希望做的事情，我已經有四十年的政權更迭。

But of course, the announcement that our nation is at war is the most solemn moment of any president's tenure and an opportunity to reassure an anxious nation, to reaffirm the righteousness of the cause.

但當然，宣佈我國進入戰爭狀態，是任何總統任期內最莊嚴的時刻，也是一個機會，可以安撫焦慮的國家，重申事業的正義性。

A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations in Iran.

不久前，美國軍隊在伊朗展開了重大的作戰行動。

Yeah, I'm sorry, can I just jump in here real quick?

對，抱歉，我可以馬上插個話嗎？

凌晨兩點，海湖莊園地下室，沒有燈光。

You don't even have one of those influencer halo things.

你甚至連那些 influencer halo things 都沒有。

Blazer, no tie, shirt unbuttoned, looking more like the father of the bride settling up with a caterer.

西裝外套，不打領帶，襯衫釦子解開，看起來比較像婚禮女方家長在跟餐飲業者結帳。

And not to nitpick, obviously, but baseball hat.

而且不是要吹毛求疵，當然，但是是棒球帽。

We're going with a baseball hat for a war of choice.

Oh, I'm gonna go down and make my war announcement.

喔，我要下去發表我的選戰聲明瞭。

Don't forget the hat I got you at the airport souvenir store.

別忘了我在機場紀念品店買給你的帽子。

You could have done this at the White House in a suit in the I killed Bin Laden hallway.

你可以在白宮穿著西裝，在 I killed Bin Laden hallway 裡做這件事。

But no, you decided to go with vacation house trucker hat guy who was about to make an announcement at his club's member member tournament.

但不行，你決定要找度假屋卡車帽男，他正準備在他俱樂部的會員對抗賽上發表聲明。

We have nothing to fear but glare in my eyes.

我們唯一該恐懼的就是刺眼的光芒。

But at the very least, we should at least be thankful that the hat is on.

但至少，我們應該慶幸帽子還戴著。

Come back tomorrow, dress for the war you want, and

明天回來，穿著你想要的戰爭服裝，然後

then you can give us perhaps, a more sober launching of this incredibly consequential moment.

然後我們或許能更冷靜地展開這個極其重大的時刻。

The United States and its partners have launched Operation Epic Fury.

美國及其盟友發動了「史詩級憤怒行動」。

I'm going to jump in right there, please.

Is this a war, or did the Paul brothers launch another energy Drink.

這是戰爭，還是 Paul 兄弟又推出了新的能量飲料？

別再讓千禧世代幫東西命名了。

How did Operation Epic Fury start this morning?

「史詩級憤怒行動」是怎麼開始的？

The US and Israel launching a major wide scale daytime attack on Iran.

美國和以色列對伊朗發動了大規模的白天攻擊。

Smoke seen rising near government offices and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei's residence.

看到政府辦公室和最高領袖哈米尼的住所附近有煙霧升起。

Although Hamilton's got to be on high alert.

雖然漢米爾頓必須保持高度戒備。

I mean, I doubt he's anywhere near a location that obvious given the advanced surveillance he's been under from American and Israeli intelligence.

我的意思是，考量到美國和以色列情報單位對他的嚴密監控，我懷疑他會出現在這麼明顯的地方。

This is the moment that officials say the 86 year old Ayatollah was killed and he stayed in his house.

官員們說，就在這一刻，這位 86 歲的哈米尼被殺，而他待在家裡。

That guy anyway, by the way, there he was martyred at 86.

那個人，對了，他就是在那裡 86 歲殉職的。

Man, are the virgins going to be disappointed.

老天，那些處女們要多失望了。

I'm sorry, am I going too hard on hominy murderous dictator like, whoa, don't make fun of his erectile dysfunction.

抱歉，我是不是對哈米尼這個殺人獨裁者太嚴苛了，哇，別拿他的勃起功能障礙開玩笑。

那個人，把自己的人民都給輾死了，老兄。

你知道威而鋼是個很嚴重的藥物。

America apparently had to start an entire war to kill an 86 year old man in ill health and not wait, I don't know, three weeks to let saturated fat do its thing.

美國顯然必須發動一場全面的戰爭，來殺死一個體弱的 86 歲老人，而不是等，我不知道，三個星期讓飽和脂肪自己發揮作用。

But just so you know, Israel and America made their move and now Iran will make their move.

但讓你知道，以色列和美國已經採取行動了，現在輪到伊朗採取行動了。

Iran is widening the scope of its response.

Neighbors across the region dragged into the chaos.

Attacks at multiple bases, including those in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan and Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, the United Arab Emirates, basically the whole of the Gulf.

在多個基地遭到攻擊，包括伊拉克、沙烏地阿拉伯、約旦和卡達、科威特、巴林、阿拉伯聯合大公國，基本上是整個海灣地區。

It's also fired on Europe for the first time, aiming at Cyprus.

它也首次向歐洲開火，目標是賽普勒斯。

賽普勒斯有在那張風險地圖上嗎？

So wait a minute, wait a minute, let me get this straight.

所以等一下，等一下，讓我釐清一下。

America and Israel attack Iran and Iran's answer is to just attack everybody?

美國和以色列攻擊伊朗，伊朗的回應是攻擊所有人？

You know, having been in a bar fight or two in my life, I'm pretty sure the worst thing you can do during a two on one beatdown is slap everyone else.

你知道，我這輩子也打過幾次架，我很確定在兩人圍毆時最糟糕的事就是去打其他人。

The interesting thing about this war, which just started, was that it was clearly a long time in the planning.

這場剛開打的戰爭有趣的地方是，它顯然是經過長期規劃的。

And yet the American people have heard Very little that is consistent about the war's justification or ultimate aims.

然而，美國民眾對於這場戰爭的理由或最終目標，卻很少聽到一致的說法。

In fact, the normally loquacious President had an opportunity with the national press on Sunday night, after flying back from Mar a Lago to the White House, where I'm sure he'd want to clarify the public's uncertainty and reassure us.

事實上，平常話很多的總統週日晚上有機會面對全國媒體，在他從海湖莊園飛回白宮後，我相信他會想釐清大眾的疑慮並讓我們安心。

President Trump tonight came home from the White House.

Instead stopped and admired some new statues that were being put into the Rose Garden.

反而停下來欣賞一些被放進玫瑰園的新雕像。