Name: 庫梅爾·南賈尼朗讀他100%真實的深夜腦補：「我到底有沒有鎖門？」 ("I Wonder If I Locked The Door" - Kumail Nanjiani Reads His 100% Real Night Thoughts)
Uploaded: 2025-12-18T16:56:22.000Z
Duration: 6 min 33 s

Hey, everybody, we're back with Kumail Nanjiani.

嘿，大家，我們又請到 Kumail Nanjiani 了。

You've got a new stand up special, as I said, called Night Thoughts.

你有一部新的脫口秀特別節目，就像我說的，叫做 Night Thoughts。

No one has seen it and it's nominated for a Golden Globe.

沒人看過，而且它還入圍了金球獎。

I'm afraid they'll take back the nomination once they watch it, Stephen.

我怕他們看了之後會撤銷提名，Stephen。

You know when you're laying in bed in the middle of the night and you can't sleep and your brain's like, here's something new for you to worry about.

就是你半夜躺在床上睡不著，腦袋裡突然冒出一些新的煩惱。

Night thoughts are like day thoughts, except they hate you.

Night thoughts 就像白天的煩惱，只是它們更討厭你。

No, I know it's legal, but that works for you.

不是啦，我知道合法，但對你來說這樣有用。

No, I'm just compiling new night thoughts all the time.

沒有啦，我只是不斷地在整理新的 Night Thoughts。

I actually write them down when I get a new one.

我有新的想法時，都會把它們寫下來。

So you keep your phone handy and type it out.

所以你手機要隨時準備好，把它們打出來。

I want to stress, these are all completely real.

我想強調一下，這些都是完全真實的。

這是最近我的一個 Night Thoughts。

這個第一個，就是一個想法貫穿到底。

I wonder if I locked the door, if someone broke in, where would I hide while they go through my stuff?

我會不會鎖門，然後有人闖進來，在我翻我的東西的時候，我躲在哪裡比較好？

I should put everything I have that's valuable in a sack and leave it by the door and put a sign on it that says the good stuff.

我應該把所有有價值的東西都裝進一個袋子裡，放在門口，然後貼個牌子說「好東西在這裡」。

That way I won't have to hide for too long.

Would my video gaming experience help me with having to shoot an actual intruder?

我的電玩經驗，對付真的入侵者時，會不會有幫助？

Would I shoot him in the leg or should I just shoot him anywhere and deal with the psychological fallout later?

我該射他腿，還是隨便射哪裡，之後再處理心理創傷？

I wonder if I will be in a nuclear attack in my lifetime.

不知道我這輩子會不會遇到核攻擊。

這絕對是個真實的 Night Thoughts。

Do bears poop and pee themselves the entire time they're hibernating or do they wake up to go to the bathroom?

熊在冬眠時，會全程大小便嗎？還是牠們會醒來上廁所？

好了，史蒂芬，我跟你說兩個字。

I'm sorry, I don't know if this is gonna be on the show.

抱歉，我不知道這會不會在節目上。

It's a hardened mass of feces, dead intestinal cells, hair, and bedding that blocks their colon.

這是硬化的糞便、死亡的腸道細胞、毛髮和墊料，堵塞了牠們的結腸。

They put bedding they got on my pillow up there.

牠們把弄到我枕頭上的墊料塞到那裡。

I don't know how much of that'll make it to air.

It would be great to just shovel my pillow up there and be like, I'll see you in June.

我真想把我的枕頭也塞進去，然後說，六月見。

這場特別節目是在 Vic Theater 拍攝的。

I moved to Chicago to start standup because, you know, I looked at the comedians who'd come from Chicago, and

我搬到芝加哥開始做單口喜劇，因為你知道，我看了那些從芝加哥出來的喜劇演員，

you were on the list, and that's why I chose to move to Chicago.

你就在名單上，這也是我選擇搬到芝加哥的原因。

And I wanted to shoot it again in Chicago because that's where I started Stand up.

而且我想在芝加哥重拍，因為我就是在芝加哥開始單口喜劇的。

That's where my wife and I met, you know?

你知道嗎？我跟我太太就是在芝加哥認識的。

Yeah, more North Carolina than New Jersey in New York.

對，比紐約的新澤西州更像北卡羅來納州。

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庫梅爾·南賈尼朗讀他100%真實的深夜腦補：「我到底有沒有鎖門？」 ("I Wonder If I Locked The Door" - Kumail Nanjiani Reads His 100% Real Night Thoughts)

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