Name: 一個簡單的習慣就能改善任何關係，現在就學起來吧！ (ONE SIMPLE HABIT to improve any relationship ❤️)
Uploaded: 2025-07-19T21:01:10.000Z
Duration: 6 min 40 s

There's one piece of relationship advice I've stumbled on that has strengthened every single relationship for me,

我偶然發現了一個關於人際關係的建議，它讓我與所有人的關係都變得更好，

whether that's with friends, family, colleagues, or my partner.

無論是朋友、家人、同事，還是我的伴侶。

And I only wish that someone had shared this with me sooner.

我只希望有人能早點告訴我這件事。

Let's take the romantic relationship as our example.

讓我們先以親密關係來當作例子。

When we first fall in love, everything feels so perfect and effortless.

當我們剛墜入愛河時，一切都覺得完美且毫不費力。

We give and receive so much attention and love,

我們付出並接收到大量的關注與愛，

and we bask in that feeling of being deeply seen, valued, and cherished.

沉浸在那種被深深看見、被重視、被珍惜的感覺裡。

But then as the novelty wears off and reality starts to set in,

但當新鮮感退去，現實開始浮現，

we realize that keeping a relationship strong takes a lot of effort.

我們才意識到，維持一段關係其實需要很多努力。

The philosopher Alain de Botton once said,

哲學家 Alain de Botton 曾經說過：

"We know so much about how to fall in love, and dangerously little about how to stay in it."

「我們對如何陷入愛河知道很多，但對如何維持愛情卻危險地少。」

So today we're gonna chat about one piece of relationship advice that I just feel like I don't hear anyone talking about,

所以今天我們要聊的是一個我覺得很少有人提到的感情建議，

but I think it has the potential to strengthen every single relationship.

但我認為它有可能強化每一段關係。

So grab your cup of tea and let's dive into it.

At the heart of every human interaction is a deep-seated desire to connect.

在每一次人際互動的核心，是我們深層的連結渴望。

We yearn to be seen, heard, and understood.

我們渴望被看見、被聽見、被理解。

And so dozens of times throughout the day, we make what are called bids for connection.

因此，一天中我們會發出許多次所謂的「連結邀請」。

So a bid for connection is any conscious or subconscious way that one person is reaching out to another.

所謂的連結邀請，是一個人以有意或無意的方式向另一個人伸出觸角。

It could be verbal, like saying, "Wow, look at that sunset," or nonverbal, like letting out a sigh, for example.

它可以是語言上的，例如說「哇，你看那個夕陽」，也可以是非語言的，比如嘆氣。

Whether these bids are met with warmth or indifference by the other person

而對方是否用溫暖或冷漠回應這些邀請，

is gonna significantly influence the sense of safety and belonging that we feel in that relationship.

會深刻影響我們在一段關係中感受到的安全感與歸屬感。

And that's gonna shape the strength of that relationship over time.

而這也會形塑關係長期的強度。

And so this brings us to the work of Dr. John and Julie Gottman.

這就帶我們來到 John 與 Julie Gottman 的研究。

These are two researchers and psychologists that have dedicated their careers to studying relationships,

這兩位心理學家花了職涯研究人際關係，

and they suggest that there are three ways that we can respond to a bid for connection.

他們發現我們對連結邀請有三種回應方式。

We can turn towards, turn away, or turn against.

我們可以「轉向」（回應）、 「轉離」（忽略）、或「轉 against」（反對/頂撞）。

Turning towards is engaging with and acknowledging the bid for connection.

「轉向」代表你有參與並回應對方的連結邀請。

So if I were to say something like, "Oh, Robin, look at how beautiful those flowers are,"

如果我說：「喔，Robin，你看那些花多美啊」，

"Oh, wow, they're beautiful. I really like the purple ones."

「哇，真的耶，我很喜歡紫色那朵。」

If I were to sigh, and I might not even be conscious that I'm doing it,

如果我嘆了口氣，甚至我自己沒發現，

So turning towards is the ideal way to respond.

所以轉向是最理想的回應方式。

而「轉離」則是錯過這個邀請，

either not commenting or saying something like,

Or if I were to sigh, maybe he doesn't hear it,

or maybe he does hear it, but he feels busy and he chooses not to engage.

又或者他聽到了，但覺得忙，就選擇不回應。

Either way, the bid is being ignored, and that's turning away.

不管是哪種情況，這都是忽略邀請，也就是「轉離」。

Now, turning against is rejecting the bid.

接著，「轉 against」是拒絕邀請。

It usually means responding angrily or in a condemning way.

通常會帶著生氣或批判的語氣。

In one of his studies, Dr. Gottman observed a large group of newlywed couples,

在其中一項研究裡，Gottman 博士觀察了一大群新婚夫妻，

and he recorded the ways in which the couples interacted with each other.

Then everyone went home, and six years later, he followed up with them.

接著他們回家，六年後他再做追蹤。

And what he found was that the couples that were still married had back then averaged turning towards each other's bids 86% of the time,

他發現那些仍然在一起的夫妻，六年前平均有 86% 的時間會轉向對方的連結邀請，

whereas the couples that were now divorced had averaged turning towards each other's bids only 33% of the time.

而後來離婚的夫妻，當初平均只有 33% 會轉向。

And so it became very clear then that relationships thrive on responsiveness and die with dismissiveness.

所以很明顯，關係靠的是「回應」而茁壯，卻會因為「忽略」而死亡。

And so it makes sense, right, that when we turn towards, in these moments, we build trust and connection.

這很合理，因為當我們轉向對方時，我們建立了信任與連結。

And I think we can all agree that when we turn against,

而我們也都知道，如果我們轉 against，

when we reject someone's bid, when we say something angrily, it's not very nice.

拒絕對方、以生氣回應，是很傷人的。

But what's so interesting and what I think so many people don't realize,

但有趣的是，也是很多人不知道的，

is that turning away can actually be more harmful than turning against,

其實「轉離」比「轉 against」更具傷害性，

because it feeds into this idea of social isolation,

因為它會加深那種社會性孤立的感覺，

and it can kind of be the silent killer of relationships,

而且它是關係的「無聲殺手」，

because it sends a subtle but very harmful message of indifference.

因為它傳遞了一個微妙但極具破壞性的訊息：冷漠。

And it can make the other person feel unseen and undervalued.

它會讓對方覺得自己被忽略、不被重視。

And I think more often, the reason we miss these opportunities to connect isn't because we don't care,

而且我們大多時候忽略對方，不是因為不在乎，

but just because we're preoccupied or distracted.

而是因為我們被佔據、分心了，

We just don't realize a bid is happening.

以至於不知道對方正在發出邀請。

I think you're gonna start to see that bids for connection are everywhere.

你會發現「連結邀請」其實無處不在。

And so now what Robin and I try to do is just label it.

所以現在我和 Robin 都會把它說出來。

So if either Robin or I feels that the other person is turning away or against, we'll just say, "Hey, I'm making a bid."

所以如果我們其中一方覺得對方在轉離或轉 against，我們就會說：「嘿，我在發出連結邀請喔。」

And sometimes that can bring you out of whatever it is you're doing and realize,

有時候這能讓你從正在做的事抽離，並意識到：

hey, this is my opportunity to connect with this person that I care about.

嘿，這是我能與我重視的人連結的機會。

What I'll also do is if Robin says, for example, "I've had a really tough day,"

另外，如果 Robin 說「我今天真的過得很糟」，

instead of saying something like, "Oh, that really sucks, I'm sorry," which can look like a turning towards, but it's quite superficial.

我會盡量不只回「喔，那真的很糟，抱歉」，因為雖然是回應，但很表面。

I'll just try to engage a little bit more.

"I'm sorry you had a bad day. Tell me why, what happened?"

「你今天過得不好，我很抱歉。說說看發生什麼事？」

I think the other thing to recognize as well is that you might not always be able to just drop whatever you're doing and turn towards the other person,

另一點要認知的是，你不可能每次都立刻放下手邊的事並回應對方，

but it's also considered turning towards if you say,

"Hey, I'm busy right now. Could I follow up with you on this in two minutes, in 20 minutes, tomorrow?"

「我現在有點忙，可以兩分鐘後、二十分鐘後、或明天再聊嗎？」

You're still acknowledging that that person is making a bid for connection.

這仍然算是「轉向」，因為你承認了對方的邀請。

And look, no one's gonna be perfect at catching every bid that's thrown their way.

而且沒有人能做到每一個邀請都捕捉成功。

But what I'm hoping to highlight is that the strongest relationships are those where the effort is at least consistently made.

但我想強調的是：最強的關係，是持續願意付出努力的關係。

So try to master the art of those tiny moments,

所以試著掌握這些微小的時刻，

because I do think the secret to strong, healthy relationships isn't in grand gestures,

因為我真的相信，強大健康的關係秘訣不在於大動作，

but it's in these small, often overlooked ways that we can turn towards the people that we most care about.

而是在那些微小、常被忽略的時刻裡，我們願意向對方「轉向」。

And I'm curious to know if there's any relationship advice that you've learned that has really helped to strengthen your relationships.

我也很好奇，你是否有學到什麼讓你的關係變得更好的建議？

Thanks so much for enjoying this cup of tea with me.

Meaning those sad excuse for flowers that you got there?

「你說那些可憐的花嗎？你這樣講？」