Name: 為什麼你總是和別人吵架 (Why You Keep Having the Same Fight)
Uploaded: 2025-06-17T16:07:18.000Z
Duration: 3 min 41 s

程度副詞

Every day, the same argument unfolds, perhaps four or five million times in different places around the planet, grinding hours of our lives into primitive despair, even as we fly around in our jet planes and rely on our space age technologies.

每天，同樣的爭論都在地球上不同的地方上演，也許有四五百萬次，把我們的生活打磨成原始的絕望，即使我們坐著噴氣式飛機，依賴太空時代的技術。

One partner feels abandoned and the other feels controlled.

一方感覺被拋棄，另一方感覺被控制。

And the script from Taipei to Portland, Basingstoke to Algiers, goes something like this.

從臺北到波特蘭，從貝辛斯托克到阿爾及爾，劇本是這樣的。

A says, you said you were going to call me and you didn't, for three hours I had no idea where you were, do you think that's fun for me, it's inconsiderate and rude, I'm being taken advantage of and not for the first time.

A 說，你說你會給我打電話，但你沒有，整整三個小時我都不知道你在哪裡，你覺得這對我來說很有趣嗎，這既不體貼又不禮貌，我被人利用了，而且這已經不是第一次了。

And B says, I was busy, why do you always criticize me and fly off the handle so fast, I haven't got any space, I can't breathe, nothing I do is good enough, I'm fed up with you.

B 說，我很忙，為什麼你總是責備我，而且責備得那麼快，我沒有任何空間，我無法呼吸，我做什麼都不夠好，我受夠你了。

A thread has come out of the seam of the relationship, if it keeps being pulled, a whole hem may unspool.

關係的縫隙中出現了一根線，如果繼續拉扯，整個下襬都可能脫線。

Firstly, we need to host a very unlikely thought, the person in front of us is not evil.

首先，我們需要主持一個不太可能的想法，那就是眼前的這個人並不邪惡。

They obviously seem evil, that much is clear, they're evidently out to get us.

他們顯然看起來很邪惡，這一點很清楚，他們顯然是要對付我們。

And have the very worst intentions, but really they don't.

他們有最壞的打算，但實際上並沒有。

They are our partner, they've made big sacrifices to be with us, we were happy once, they are in different moods, sweetie or little bun.

他們是我們的伴侶，他們為了和我們在一起做出了巨大的犧牲，我們曾經幸福過，他們心情各異，是小甜心還是小包子。

A while ago we danced around the kitchen together, we patted their childhood soft toy, they held us when we had a fever.

不久前，我們一起在廚房裡跳舞，我們拍打著他們兒時的軟玩具，我們發燒時他們抱著我們。

However unlikely it seems, they are in fact on our side, they want this to work.

無論看起來多麼不可能，他們其實是站在我們這一邊的，他們希望這一切能夠成功。

Next, we need to stop attacking and do that far more courageous and exhausting thing, explain our hurt.

接下來，我們需要停止攻擊，做一件更勇敢、更累人的事，解釋我們的傷痛。

We have to lose our pride and patiently and systematically take the person into our tender, vast fears, presently hidden behind outward sternness and rage.

我們必須丟掉自尊，耐心地、有條不紊地將對方帶入我們溫柔、廣闊的恐懼之中，而這些恐懼目前都隱藏在外表的嚴厲和憤怒之下。

So A might say, when you don't call me, I feel so lonely and bereft.

所以 A 可能會說，當你不給我打電話時，我感到非常孤獨和失落。

And B might respond, well, when I fail to call and you criticize me, I feel hounded and insecure, like I can't ever get anything right.

而 B 可能會回答說，好吧，當我打電話失敗而你責備我時，我就會覺得被人追問，沒有安全感，好像我什麼事都做不好。

We might want to add some backstory to show how we ended up as the challenging people we are today, who are in need of so much mercy.

我們可能需要添加一些背景故事，來說明我們是如何成為今天這樣一個充滿挑戰、需要如此多憐憫的人的。

So A could say, this reminds me of all the times I've had to wait and no one came, like I did endlessly after school when mom was having her chemo.

是以，A 可以說，這讓我想起了所有我不得不等待卻沒有人來的時候，就像媽媽做化療時我放學後沒完沒了地等待一樣。

And B might say, this reminds me of being shouted at by dad and feeling I could never win him over.

B 可能會說，這讓我想起了被爸爸大吼大叫的時候，覺得自己永遠都贏不了他。

In other words, there are two children inside, they're not in a good way and they need to see one another's distress if this is ever to be mended.

換句話說，裡面有兩個孩子，他們的關係並不融洽，如果要修補關係，他們需要看到彼此的痛苦。

So A would say, the child in me feels humiliated.

是以，A 會說，我心中的孩子感到羞辱。

And B would say, the child in me feels condemned.

而 B 會說，我心中的孩子覺得受到了譴責。

Were the couple to reach this place, the angels of love would quietly sing their hosannas.

如果這對情侶能到達這個地方，愛情天使們會靜靜地唱出他們的讚歌。

Advanced practitioners might then go on to replay their lessons to one another, A would say, when I go in too hard, I now realize that you feel like you can never please me, even though you can and you do.

高級練習者可能會繼續向對方複述他們的經驗教訓，A 會說，當我用力過猛的時候，我現在意識到，你覺得你永遠無法取悅我，儘管你可以，而且你也做到了。

And B might say, when I let you down with my messaging, I can see it hurts you somewhere very deep, I'm going to try so much harder.

而 B 可能會說，當我的資訊傳遞讓你失望時，我可以看到它深深地傷害了你，我會更加努力的。

If all this sounds silly, it's vastly sillier still when the shouting goes on all night, when the divorce lawyers are called, when the savings are lost and when small children have to commute across the country to see their parents.

如果這一切聽起來很愚蠢，那麼當吵鬧聲徹夜不息，當離婚律師被叫來，當積蓄損失殆盡，當年幼的孩子不得不往返全國各地看望父母時，這一切就顯得更加愚蠢了。

We tend to think of love as an emotion, it's actually made of a sequence of hugely basic skills, many of them around explanation, diplomacy and reassurance.

我們往往認為愛是一種情感，其實它是由一連串極為基本的技能組成的，其中許多技能都與解釋、外交和安撫有關。

And these can be learned at a school a bit like this, modestly, without resentment or mockery, peace by infinitely glorious and redemptive peace.

這些都可以在這樣的學校裡學到，謙虛、沒有怨恨或嘲弄，和平是無限榮耀和救贖的和平。