Monday, let's go.

星期一，來吧。

Hey Brennan, you feeling okay?

嘿，Brennan，你還好嗎？

Yeah, you seem a little under the weather.

你看起來病懨懨的。

What's that?

什麼意思？

Like, you seem sick.

就是，看起來生病了。

That's true, yeah, I'm sick as a dog.

對啊，我病得像條狗...。

Fuckin' work dog dude, let's do it.

像條上班狗啊老兄！來吧！

Let's shred it this week guys, turn and burn it.

搞定這禮拜吧！各位，打拼時間到。

If you're sick, you should go home.

你如果生病的話，就該回家。

Go home, come on guys, it's the flu.

回家？拜託這只是小感冒。

A little flu never hurt anybody.

小感冒不傷身。

The flu has killed millions.

感冒明明要了幾百萬條人命。

Handedly untrue.

沒錯。

Yeah, you should go home.

你真的該回家。

I hear your concern, appreciate it.

我聽到你們的關心了，我也很感謝。

Guys, here's the deal (burp) oh god.

各位，是這樣的（打嗝），噢天啊。

I'm not one of these little babies that has to call in sick from home, I'm... (sneezes blood)

我跟那些生一點小病就請假回家的小寶寶不同，我...（噴血）

God, fuck! Go to the hospital!

天啊，你給我去醫院！

Nope, callin' 911.

不，我要打 911 了。

Go home or I'll kill you.

你給我回家，不然我就殺了你。

It's fine, this isn't half as much blood as yesterday.

沒事啦，這血量是昨天的一半而已。

Fever's broken, I can see again, I...

我退燒了，視力恢復，我...。

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, oh it's burning!

啊啊啊啊啊 —— 好燙！

What is that Xenomorph spit? Why is it burning?

那是什麼異形的口水嗎？為何會腐蝕？

You think it's so heroic to stay and work in the office but really you're just putting everyone else in danger.

你自以為生病上班是英雄的行為，但你其實讓大家都暴露在危險中。

The only thing I'm in danger of is giving 110%.

唯一的危險就是我會拼上、我的、命！

Oh god dude your eye!

喔！天啊！老兄你的眼睛！

Your eye, your eye, your eye.

你的眼睛！眼睛！眼睛！

Go home!

快回家！

It's fine, five second rule.

沒事沒事，五秒鐘法則。

Fuck you.

去你的。

You need to use a sick day you're putting everyone here at risk.

你得請病假，你讓大家陷入危險當中。

At risk, what are you talking about?

風險？你在說什麼？

What ever happened to walking it off?

我去外面散散步就好了嘛！

My ancestors couldn't call in sick when they were building railroads and fighting Nazis.

我的祖先在建鐵路和打納粹的時候才不會請病假。

Your ancestors died of preventable diseases all the time.

你的祖先，幾乎都死於可預防的疾病！

Okay, let's call it a compromise.

好好好，我們各退一步。

Look I'll wrap myself up in my little blankie, I'll take a little shot of hot sauce.

我把自己用小毯毯包得緊緊的，喝點辣椒醬。

I'll take a couple cloves of garlic.

吃點大蒜。

Then I'll squirt some lemon juice in my eyes.

擠點檸檬汁在眼睛裡。

Okay, I'll take a space heater and I'll sit on it.

拿個暖爐坐在上面。

Oh, there we go okay and now just sweat it out.

好了，把汗逼出來就沒事了。

- Oh god Brennan get up! - Brennan!

- 喔！天啊！ Brennan 快起來！- Brennan！

Brennan get up, get up, get up!

Brennan 快起來！起來！

Normally that works.

通常有效的啊。

Go home!

給我回家！

I can't, you guys are depending on me for my comedy scripts, I can't leave you guys hanging.

我走不掉，你們需要我的喜劇腳本，我不能丟下你們。

You just started working here.

你才剛來上班。

And when you're sick, your work suffers.

而當你生病時，工作也做不好。

No it doesn't.

才沒這回事。

Interior Brennan dada, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me.

Brennan 的內心，點點，殺了我、殺了我、殺了我、殺了我、殺了我、殺了我、殺了我。

Okay it's a little unpolished, but I think there's a kernel of ...

好啦，是還需要一點潤飾啦，但我覺得真正的核心...

No!

不 ——

Is he dead?

他死了嗎？

Yeah as a doornail bitch.

是啊，死透了。

Hi, is this HR?

嗨，請問是人事部嗎？

Yes, okay, so I was calling 'cause a sick employee refused to go home but now I'm calling 'cause there's been an office incident with a knife.

好的，我本來想通報你們有名職員生病卻拒絕請假回家，但現在我要通報辦公室發生刀殺事件。

Yes, it was Katie.

是，是 Katie 殺的。

You were fucking dead.

你不是死了嗎？！

Hey guys are we still meeting at 3:00?

嘿！我們 3 點還有要開會嗎？

Yes.

有。

Cool, I'll be there.

酷，等等見。

How is this possible?

這怎麼可能？

Well Trep, I guess I'm just not one of the little babies that has to call out of the meeting just any old time that I see grip of death stops the beating of their heart.

這個嘛，Trep，我想我和那些會議請假的小寶寶不同，我不會因為區區一個死亡讓我心跳停止就缺席。

I have a few extra pitches today, I'm happy to go at the end.

我今天還有幾場簡報會要參加，我會在後半段加入你們的會議。

Hey guys it's Brennan from College Humor.

嗨大家，我是 College Humor 的 Brennan。

Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff and please keep watching because if you stop watching, I start to vanish, you get it?

請按這裡訂閱，按這裡看更多有趣影片，也請你們繼續支持我們的影片，因為你們不看的話，我就會消失，懂嗎？

I'm not really real, I'm just a thing in your screen.

我並不是真人，我只存在於你的螢幕裡。

Ahh, don't forget me!

啊，別忘了我！