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  • Dear diary, the authorities have removed the pair of black pants from the couch.

    親愛的日記,鏟屎官把沙發上的黑色長褲拿走了

  • There is no longer any place for me to sleep.

    這裡已經沒有我能睡覺的地方了

  • I have vomited three times in protest but there is no sign that anything will change.

    我已經吐了三次以表示反抗,但看來似乎沒有任何會改變的跡象

  • My only other hope for rest is on the computer keyboard which is near by.

    我僅剩唯一的希望是附近的電腦鍵盤

  • But sadly no one is currently using it. I will wait.

    但可悲地是目前沒有人在使用它,我等

  • Dear diary, my food dish is now only half full.

    親愛的日記,我餐盤的食物現在只剩下一半了

  • It is obvious that I will soon starve to death.

    很明顯的,我很快就要饑餓至死

  • I have repeatedly tried to draw attention to my predicament with the authorities

    我反覆地試圖引起鏟屎官關注我目前的慘況

  • but they are clearly either stupid, deaf, or just cruel.

    但顯然他們不是蠢蛋、聾子就是根本很殘忍

  • This may be my last entry.

    這可能是我的最後一篇日記了

  • Dear diary,

    親愛的日記

  • It has come to my attention that the authorities have two hands

    我發現鏟屎官有兩隻手

  • but seem to have made it the sadistic policy only to pet me with one of them at that time

    但他似乎訂定了虐待狂般的策略,每次只願意用一隻手摸我

  • Half of love is just, lo-

    一半的「愛」,就只是 ㄞ...

  • which is how I feel.

    這就是我的感受

  • My spirit is breaking.

    我的靈魂都碎了

  • Dear diary, I have decided to plead with the authorities to rub my belly.

    親愛的日記,我決定懇求鏟屎官替我揉肚肚

  • I think it will do me good in my current condition

    我想這對我的現況會是好的

  • I would like to receive two rubs exactly.

    我就是想被揉兩下肚肚

  • A third one, and I will bite the shit out of them as per protocol.

    第三下,作為回禮我就會狠狠朝他們咬下去

  • Wish me luck.

    祝我好運

  • Dear diary, the water dish continues to vex me.

    親愛的日記,這盤水不斷地挑釁我

  • the authorities seem to taunt me with this cruel liquid

    鏟屎官似乎打算用這慘忍的、

  • that has neither smell nor distinguishing visual markings.

    沒有味道也沒有視覺性區別記號的液體嘲弄我

  • A sad anniversary, this is the 900th day that my nose has been unintentionally wetted.

    一個可悲的紀念日,這是我第 900 次被無意間弄濕鼻子的日子

  • Dear diary, yesterday I put in a simple request regarding the door to the garden

    親愛的日記,昨天我提出了一個簡單的請求,關於前往花園的門

  • but seemingly out of sheer spite the authorities refused to hold the door open long enough

    但鏟屎官看來根本就是在刁難,拒絕將門開久一些

  • for me to decide whether to go outside

    好讓我決定是否要走出去

  • or inside.

    或走進來

  • or outside, or inside.

    或走出去,或走進來

  • Dear diary, the authorities have punished me for taking a crap on the living room floor.

    親愛的日記,鏟屎官因為我在客廳大便處罰我

  • This despite my efforts to distribute the litter evenly throughout the house.

    這讓我放棄了盤算好要平均地將垃圾遍布於家中的計畫

  • I am convinced that they are mad men, devoid of reason.

    我深信他們,沒有理由地,是瘋子

  • Dear diary, the squirrel was back again today.

    親愛的日記,那隻松鼠今天又回來了

  • It mocks me.

    它挑釁我

  • I will try and release my mind from this torment and groom myself.

    我會試著從這苦煉中釋放自己、整理情緒

  • for four hours.

    在這四小時中

  • Dear diary, I have been stalking an insect on the wall for the past three days now.

    親愛的日記,過去三天我嘗試躡手躡腳地跟著牆上的一隻昆蟲

  • All of my attempts to capture it have been thwarted.

    我希望捉到它,但一直受到阻撓

  • However today, on further inspection

    然而今天,在更進一步的檢視之後

  • I found out that the insect was in fact a thumbtack.

    我發現那隻昆蟲其實是個大頭針

  • There is no logic in this place.

    這個地方是沒有邏輯的

  • Dear diary, it is three in the morning.

    親愛的日記,現在是凌晨三點鐘

  • The authorities have closed the door to the bedroom.

    鏟屎官把臥室的房門關上了

  • I can only assume that they have forgotten about me

    我只能推測他們已經忘記我了

  • and have left me here to die.

    把我留在這等死

  • as a last resort I will stand post for the rest of the night and

    作為最後手段,我將徹夜站崗

  • sing the song of my people in hopes that they rescue me.

    哼唱子民的歌曲期待他們來拯救我

  • Dear diary, when the authorities poop, I have tried to poop in the bathtub litter box with them

    親愛的日記,鏟屎官便便時,我試圖一起在浴缸裡的垃圾桶便便

  • in a show of solidarity.

    以表示我的團結一致

  • I have yet to experience any gratitude.

    但我仍未接收到任何的感激之情

  • Dear diary, my attempts to destroy the terrible plant have

    親愛的日記,我試圖摧毀那糟糕的盆栽

  • all been for naught.

    但努力都付之一炬了

  • Somehow, almost as if by some evil magic, a new one has appeared in its place.

    不知怎麼地,幾乎像是透過某種邪惡魔法,一個新盆栽又出現在那個位置

  • I will have to start over now.

    我現在必須重頭來過了

  • Like Sisyphus, I am bound to hell.

    如同西西佛斯 (註:希臘神話中不斷受罰的人物),我註定在地獄輪迴

Dear diary, the authorities have removed the pair of black pants from the couch.

親愛的日記,鏟屎官把沙發上的黑色長褲拿走了

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