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  • We've been through this, haven't we?

  • I've got a lot to do, as you know, and this needs to be in tomorrow.

  • Now I've pushed the deadline once already,

  • so could I please just have five minutes to myself? Please, five minutes!

  • But it's just not five minutes we're talking about, it's about shirking "shitbits"!

  • I'm not shirking... okay, okay...

  • - Hello? - Is he there?

  • It's for you! It's probably very important!

  • Oh, c'mon! It's not fair to just accuse me of avoiding...

  • - Who is it? - It's John.

  • Sh-h-hit! I knew this would happen.

  • Oh, you probably have to take this!

  • Oh, c'mon, don't paint me as some kind of...

  • It's not fair to start something that I can't be expected to finish.

  • And yes I do need to take this, as you're well aware and we'll continue...

  • John! I'm literally just wrapping it up...

  • I don't care to hear that.

  • I'm over-fucking-joyed to learn that you are just wrapping it up...

  • Why don't you put a fucking ribbon on it too, you brat?

  • The thing is...

  • ...I want to have it here right now!

  • I ought to advise you to have another serious think

  • - about another way to earn your living! - Hang on...

  • I also ought to advise you not to fucking speak!

  • A coffee!

  • ...I haven't yet in all my poor days come across anyone

  • with a more flexible definition for the term 'deadline'.

  • A deadline is a line before which everything is brilliant.

  • And after which we are all dead.

  • I am dead, they are dead and you my son are perfectly fucking dead!

  • Where the fuck does this go?

  • Jesus!

  • Not quite.

  • Hello, I'm Steve. I live downstairs.

  • Do you have a moment?

  • Little pushed at the moment.

  • I think there's been a leak.

  • Oh, that's terrible, I'm so sorry!

  • Uh, could I come in for a minute?

  • Ah... of course... I just... need to clear space.

  • - Who is it? - I thought you were busy!

  • Well, if you're offering!

  • I got home last night, and my ceiling was dripping onto my bed,

  • I knew something was wrong.

  • I looked up, I saw the wet patch spread across my ceiling,

  • I knew something was wrong.

  • Oh, that's awful. I'm so sorry.

  • I wonder where it's come from, I can't think what would have caused it.

  • We'll call a plumber first thing tomorrow.

  • Hmm... we'll never get one on a Sunday I'm afraid.

  • Of course we will compensate you in full for any damage.

  • Would you like... You've already got some.

  • Well, where exactly is this leak coming from? Maybe we can pinpoint it.

  • What's your favorite kind of music?

  • Are you sure, Steve?

  • My mattress is all wet.

  • Right... Well, why don't we go downstairs and have a look at your ceiling?

  • Then we can establish exactly where it came from?

  • That would be great, only my mother's still sleeping there at the moment.

  • Well, not to worry then, Steve.

  • - Steve... - Yes?

  • It's half past five! Are you sure your mother's still sleeping there?

  • Oh yes, she was out fishing all night.

  • She didn't get in till the wee small ones.

  • Oh!? Where did she find fishing in London?

  • Well, she didn't, you see, that's the thing.

  • In order to find fishing round here you got to get right out of town.

  • And that is one long journey back, oh yes.

  • That is one long journey back, so you can see why she is tired.

  • Right. Well, we'll have a plumber look at everything, just to be sure.

  • - Do you like books? - Yes.

  • Very much. And... We'll have a plumber... look at everything.

  • Why have we never met our neighbours?

  • I mean, don't you think it's funny that

  • it takes a crisis to get to know people you live not three feet above?

  • Don't think for a moment that I'm even remotely interested in your opinion,

  • I was merely voicing a rhetorical thought.

  • It did not require reciprocation, least of all from you, you selfish fucker!

  • Really, I strongly advise you not to speak!

  • - I'll get it! - Ohh! Fuck!

  • - Okay, okay, okay... - Oh-h!

  • - Come on... - Oh, I can deal with it!

  • - Okay, shall I... - Oh I can deal with the front door!

  • And since I paid the mortgage yesterday it's my fucking front door this month anyway!

  • Fine. Good. I'll just go end up some of the...

  • Hi there!

  • Okay, I'm really sorry, I hate a confrontation, but we have to talk.

  • What is it, Steve?

  • Uh, the plumber left over an hour ago.

  • He said he couldn't find anything faulty anywhere.

  • Ohh, no, the water's fine. How can I put this?

  • I really don't know how to approach this delicately.

  • Shall we talk Street Rap?

  • Or... Hip-Hop perhaps, uhm?

  • I really can't claim to be genned up on everything the kids are listening to nowadays.

  • I think I'd better have come in, don't you?

  • Ohh!

  • I think a little tea is a wonderful idea.

  • So which of you two bright sparks thought it would be a good idea

  • to play your Hip-Hop music all night long last night?

  • A little party was there, uhm?

  • Common courtesy dictates a warning at least, if not an invitation, uhm?

  • - Steve... - I rise at five. Five!

  • And if the music ceases at three, then I get two hours sleep. Two!

  • We stayed at my sister's last night. We got back for the plumber this morning.

  • I'm sorry if someone kept you up, but it wasn't us.

  • Oh... So what kind of books d'you like? I like F. Scott Fitzgerald.

  • Can we come to that later, Steve? You seem quite upset!

  • No, I'm not upset. Let's have more tea and then talk.

  • Okay, Steve. Now listen...

  • There was no music here last night, because we weren't here last night.

  • - Are you okay with that? - Yes.

  • Don't you just hate it when someone grabs the seat you've had your eye on,

  • you know, whether buss, or cinema, or whatever?

  • Although who'd be inside on a day like this?

  • Weather is good, although I remember it being a little better this time last year.

  • Don't you ever just think... Fuck it, you know?

  • I know, let's all go to the pictures, my treat.

  • Steve, if you finished your tea, I think you should go now.

  • Haven't quite.

  • - Do you like picnics when it's sunny? - Yes, very much.

  • Would you like to go on one now?

  • I'm afraid we can't.

  • I've had an idea. After lunch let's jack in whatever we had to do.

  • I'll take you to the pictures. My treat.

  • I'm sorry! I've been very selfish, but work is finished now,

  • so I can make it up to you.

  • Well, that's nice. I'm fine just reading, thanks.

  • I wanna do things with you. Have adventures.

  • I'm going out in half an hour. Can I not just have five minutes to myself?

  • Please! Just five minutes!

  • Look, I don't think it's very fair of you...

  • - Hey gang! - ...To make it up?

  • You'll never gonna believe this!

  • That stupid fucking idiot postman has only been misdelivering your letters to my flat.

  • That fat, chuckleheaded bastard has ignored that it clearly states the flat number

  • on each letter and the sweaty cunt has posted them wherever he likes willy-nilly.

  • I think there's been some kind of mistake, Steve, it's not addressed to us.

  • May I come in?

  • I saw a great film on the telly last night. I can't remember what it was called.

  • Did you see it? I love films. What are your top, top fave five films?

  • Can I come in?

  • ...Just got to lose the neighbour. Whop, hello matey!

  • Here, the postman is meant to ring twice, isn't he?

  • - Can I come in? - Steve!

  • - Can I have my letter, please? - Okay.

  • - Can I have my other letter, please? - Hmm... Rude.

  • - Steve... - Any chance of a cuppa?

  • - Steve, I... - A bit rude, isn't it?

  • Not offering your neighbour, kind, cooperative downstairs neighbour a cup of tea?

  • - Steve! - Tea! Now!

  • Go to the kettle and make me a cup of fucking tea!

  • You sit down there! One host, one hostess and a gentleman caller.

  • And you won't need your phone cause you're about to have

  • a real life fucking conversation in a minute!

  • Okay! Okay, Steve!

  • There's your tea.

  • Why don't you sit down?

  • Can we have our post now, Steve?

  • No one for the road...

  • No pot! No fucking biscuit!

  • Why have you been taking our post, Steve?

  • I don't see why we should give you anything if you've been taking from us?

  • And you'll make the tea.

  • A whole pot, for the whole gang.

  • And you'll put out a nice plate of biscuits, chocolate biscuits.

  • And we'll say: "Oh, I shouldn't!", and we'll all have one.

  • I'll have four. Then I'll pat my stomach and I'll roll my eyes at my own greed.