These are your friends and family, the people who matter, who love you, who make life worth living.

這些是你的朋友、家人，你在乎的、愛你的、讓你的生活變得有意義的人。

And these are the people you spend all your time with.

而這些則是你花所有時間相處的人。

The Six Co-Workers You'll Have.

你會遇到的六種同事。

The Crush.

暗戀的同事。

You're like Jim and Pam.

你們就像 Jim 和 Pam。（註：熱門美劇《辦公室風雲》裡的 Jim Halpert & Pam Beesly 是關係曖昧的同事）

Yeah, let's pretend that's the perfect example of a workplace romance.

對，我們假設 Jim 和 Pam 是辦公室戀情的最佳典範。

Oh, okay, well, at least your ears work better than your dick.

噢！好啊，至少你的耳朵比你的老二有用多了。

One night, you finally work up the courage.

某個晚上，你終於鼓起勇氣踏出那一步。

Remember when you saw "Thor: The Dark World" on a plane and thought it was your favorite movie for months until you watched it at home and realized you didn't love it？

記得你在飛機上看了《雷神索爾 2：黑暗世界》，然後有好幾個月都把它當作你最愛的電影，直到你在家看了，才發覺你根本不喜歡它嗎？

Yeah. You'll be taking the long way to the break room for a few weeks.

是的，你將會有好幾週的時間絕跡休息室。

The Creep.

怪咖。

Drunken mistakes aren't the only office hazard. There isn't just one species of creep.

酒後亂性不是辦公室唯一的隱患。怪胎也是，而且還不止一種。

There's a whole spectrum, and your local variety may differ by climate, available prey, and proximity of J. crew outlets.

怪咖的種類族繁不及備載，種類會因氣候變化、獵物的可捕捉性和美國服裝品牌 J.Crew 門市位置等因素不同而所有差異。

[Preppy Creep] You free Friday night?

[有錢的怪咖] 你星期五有空嗎？

Because my dad's got an open tab at the yacht club.

因為可以把花費算在我爸在遊艇俱樂部酒吧裡的帳上。

[Regressive Asshole Creep] Please, a dame only gets paid less if she can't keep up with the men around her, or she's ugly.

[腦筋退化的混蛋怪咖] 女人賺得少的原因只有兩個，要嘛是搞不定周圍的男人，要嘛是顏值太低。

[Too-Touchy Too-Feely Creep] You know Janice carries a lot of tension on her shoulders, too.

[動手動腳的怪咖] 你知道，Janice 的肩膀也超級緊的。

I think it's your tense.

是你的行為讓人情緒緊繃的關係吧？！

The New Guy.

新人。

Right when you're wondering if you can still call yourself a recent college graduate, he shows up.

當你在思考自己還稱不稱得上是畢業不久的新鮮人時，他就出現了。

Who is this guy?

這個人是誰？

His diet would put you in a coma.

年輕人的飲食真是令人不敢恭維！

Yet he still seems to have endless energy.

而且他看起來精力無窮。

Oh, hey! What'd you do last night?

嘿，你昨晚做了些什麼？

Nothing too crazy. Shots at beauty bar then danced until 2 a.m. and called it an early night, you?

沒什麼大不了的。在一個超美的酒吧喝了點酒然後跳舞到凌晨 2 點，很早就結束了，你呢？

I watched Shark Tank then went to bed.

我看完電視節目《創業鯊魚幫》後就上床睡覺了。

The worst part is, if you see him like that, how does he see you?

最糟的是，如果你是這樣看待他的，他又是怎麼看待你的呢？

See ya.

掰啦。

I miss the 90s...

我想念九零年代 ...。

Maybe you should work harder.

也許你應該更用心工作。

Maybe you need to be like...

也許你應該要像...。

The Prince.

王子。

He thinks the word Machiavellian is a compliment.

他認為「馬基雅弗利主義」這個詞是種讚美。（註：馬基雅弗利主義指的是，為奪取權力而不擇手段的）。

He's not contented to just work, he wants to rule.

單純工作已經滿足不了他，他還要一統天下。

My lord, do these expense reports from Cynthia in marketing...

我的君王，這是行銷部 Cynthia 製作的開支報告...

Do they not seem embroidered?

這些開支看起來難道不會太大嗎？

Perhaps I should be the one to go to the kingdom of Philadelphia for the sales conference in her stead.

也許我才是那個該前往費城王國參加銷售會議的人。

I promise I will secure the favor of house Tampax.

我發誓我會得到丹碧絲（美國衛生棉條品牌）家族的青睞。

Of course, ambition is a double-edged sword.

當然，野心也是一把雙面刃。

And so is this.

所以事情成了這樣。

I thought the sales rep really like me! Please, don't take my f***ing spot!

我以為那個業務代表對我的表現感到滿意！求陛下開恩！

Douche.

賤人。

The Prisoner.

囚犯。

Well, back to 40 years of hard labor.

好啦，該回去繼續幹 40 年的苦差了。

Not everybody considers this job an opportunity, for some, it's a life sentence.

並不是每個人都把工作當作機會，對某些人來說，工作就像終身監禁。

Mommy numbed me after college. I was driving back from my sixth Burning Man, and I needed that money, man.

從大學之後我媽就不管我了，我那時參加完第六次的火人祭，正在開車回家的路上，老天我真的超需要那點錢...。

Oh, worst mistake of my life.

噢，那真是我人生中最大的錯誤。

She spends all her time talking about what she's going to do when she finally gets out of this place.

她把大部份的時間都花在談論當她離開這個地方後要做什麼。

You know what will be fun? A private plane or do... you know, like in "The Wolf of Wall Street".

你知道什麼很讚嗎？一架私人飛機，像《華爾街之狼》那種。

The irony is, when prisoners do finally get their freedom, they usually have no idea what to do with it.

諷刺的是，當這些人終於得到自由時，他們通常都不知道要做什麼。

Hi, yes, do you still rent the planes with the rotating beds?

嗨，你現在還有出租有旋轉床的飛機嗎？

Well, most of them, anyway.

嗯，無論如何，大部分來說是這樣的。

Oh, uh, quick question. Is cocaine legal yet? Oh, what a shame!

噢，呃，我有個小問題，古柯鹼合法了沒？噢，真是太遺憾了！

You're different, though.

然而，你是不一樣的。

You want to enjoy your job, but you don't wanna let it define you.

你想要享受你的工作，但你不想讓你的工作決定你是誰。

Now tell me more about this Snapchat.

多講點關於 Snapchat 的東西來聽聽。

You want to like the people you work with but some distance is nice, too.

你想去喜歡這些與你共事的人，但保持一些距離也是不錯的。

The color purple.

紫色。

And I mean the actual color purple not the one with Oprah.

我指的是真的紫色，而不是歐普拉演的那部《紫色姐妹花》。

The key is balance. You decide work and life, personal and professional.

關鍵就在拿捏平衡點。你如何決定工作與人生、個人與專業之間的平衡。

If you're careful, you will make it out of here without any type at all.

如果你夠謹慎小心，就能成就這一切，而不成為其中任何一種人。

You ever notice how she just stares like she's hearing voices or something?

你注意到了嗎？她盯著人看的樣子就像她聽到了什麼聲音還是怎麼的。

Yeah, total weirdo.

對，真是個怪人。

The Total Weirdo. (You). -Wait!

最怪的一個。（你）。-等等！

No!

才不是！

Hi, I am Emily from CollegeHumor, did you like that video?

嗨，我是 CollegeHumor 的 Emily，你喜歡這部影片嗎？

Cool, then click here for more videos, or click here to unlock secret features like CollegeHumor videos showing up in your YouTube feed, Or being subscribed to CollegeHumor or turning that red subscribe button into a gray subscribed button.

喜歡的話，就點擊這裡看更多影片，或者點擊這裡解鎖更多秘密功能，比如讓 CollegeHumor 的影片出現在你的 YouTube 動態頁面上、訂閱 CollegeHumor 頻道或者是把紅色的訂閱按鈕變成灰色的已訂閱按鈕。

Whoa...

哇...