Name: The "No Contact Rule" Explained | Matthew Hussey
Uploaded: 2026-03-31T07:42:55.000Z
Duration: 24 min 49 s

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In this video, I want to talk about what the No Contact Rule is, why it's important,

在這支影片裡，我想跟大家聊聊斷聯法則是什麼，為什麼它很重要，

and what do you do if you're doing no contact but the person who broke up with you reaches out to you during the no contact period.

以及如果你正在實行斷聯，但那個跟你分手的人在斷聯期間聯絡你，你該怎麼辦。

Of any program I have ever created, the idea of the no contact guiding principle after a breakup is probably the idea that elicits the most questions from people who have the program.

在我所有設計過的課程裡，分手後斷聯指導原則這個概念，大概是讓上過課程的人問最多問題的。

There's a particular program I created called Get Him Running Back to You, which James and I still find to be a questionable name for the program.

我有個特別的課程叫做 Get Him Running Back to You，James 和我到現在都覺得這個名字有點值得商榷。

In fact, the program itself is one that I had to have a giant debate within my own mind and with my team about whether we were going to create in the first place, because the idea of any kind of program that helps you win someone back just seemed icky.

事實上，這個課程本身，我內心還有和團隊都經過了一場重大的辯論，才決定要不要開辦，因為任何幫助你挽回某人的課程，聽起來都令人不適。

The problem was, of all the questions I get, a staggering number of them are to do with how to get someone back after a breakup.

問題是，在我收到的所有問題裡，有驚人的數量都跟分手後如何挽回某人有關。

What I realised was, people are going to try and get someone back anyway, so if they're going to do it, I want them to do it in the most healthy way.

我意識到的是，人們反正都會試著去挽回，所以既然他們要這麼做，我希望他們用最健康的方式。

I want them to do it in a way that doesn't do anything special to get someone back.

我希望他們用一種不是特別做什麼來挽回的方式。

In fact, I want it to be all about their growth, so that even if that relationship doesn't rekindle—because let's face it, a lot of people break up for a reason—they can move on strong anyway.

事實上，我希望這個課程完全聚焦在他們的成長，這樣即使這段關係沒有復燃——因為說實在的，很多人分手都有其原因——他們也能堅強地繼續前進。

And I wanted everything in this program to be something that helped people move on strong no matter what happened with that person.

我希望這個課程裡的所有內容，都能幫助人們，不管和那個人最後怎麼樣，都能堅強地繼續前進。

In this program I spoke of, I talk about a 21-day no contact period, which is designed to be more of a principle in practice than a rule.

在這個我提到的課程裡，我談到了一個21天斷聯期，它被設計成一個實踐原則，而不是一個死板的規則。

What it's really about is having 21 days of a true break from this person, which is a funny thing to say in a situation where someone has broken up with us.

它真正講的是，讓自己和這個人有21天的真正的休息，這聽起來有點好笑，在對方已經跟我們分手的情況下。

We would say, "You've been given your break.

我們會說：「你已經得到你的休息了。

There's a breakup." But we all know that in the wake of a breakup, it's rarely clean.

你們分手了。」但我們都知道，在分手之後，很少是乾淨俐落的。

We may find ourselves reaching out to them.

我們也可能會發現自己聯絡對方。

There are all manner of ways that we try and engage with each other.

我們試圖與對方互動的方式，可說是五花八門。

The 21-day no contact period is about detoxing from this situation for 21 days, giving 21 days of space.

21天的斷聯期，就是給你21天的時間，讓自己從這個情況中解毒，給予21天的空間。

The hard thing about this idea of a no contact period after a breakup is that I'm well aware that if you're watching this from a place of crushing pain right now, it is the last thing you want to hear,

分手後實踐斷聯期這個想法，最難的地方在於，我很清楚如果現在的你正經歷著心碎的痛苦，這絕對是你最不想聽到的，

In the days and weeks after a breakup, we are a kind of—I would say we're a living zombie,

在分手後的幾天幾週，我們就像是——我會說我們像是活屍，

We're this zombie that's incapable of doing very much at all in our lives.

我們就像是那種完全無法做任何事的活屍。

We're lucky if we can get out of bed, but it's fully capable of feeling to the extreme.

如果我們能下床就已經很不錯了，但卻能極度地感受痛苦。

Now, why is the 21-day no contact period important?

那麼，為什麼21天斷聯期是重要的呢？

Well, firstly, so that we can get space, so we can begin the healing process.

嗯，首先，是為了讓我們獲得空間，好讓我們能開始療癒的過程。

It's certainly not going to take 21 days.

It's likely to take significantly longer than that.

這很可能需要比那更長的時間。

But the space at least means that we aren't consistently reactivating that wound every time we talk to someone.

但至少這個空間能讓我們在每次跟人說話時，都不會不斷地重新撕裂傷口。

The second reason is so that we don't do something impulsive that we'll regret.

第二個原因是，這樣我們才不會做出衝動後會後悔的事。

In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, we are in a highly emotional, highly volatile state,

在分手後的當下，我們處於情緒非常激動、非常不穩定的狀態，

and we're liable to say and do things that we will later wish we hadn't done.

我們可能會說出或做出一些事，而這些事事後我們會希望自己沒做過。

Number three, when we do things like that, we might push someone away at the very time where, deep down, we would like them to be reconsidering the relationship.

第三點，當我們做出那樣的事時，我們可能會在最希望對方重新考慮這段關係的時候，把對方推開。

The more we lay all of our hurt, all of our panic, all of our anguish on somebody, all of our fears, the more likely we are to push them away, not bring them closer.

我們越是把我們的傷痛、恐慌、痛苦和恐懼全部傾倒在對方身上，就越有可能把對方推開，而不是拉近。

Number four, the no contact period leaves room for mystery.

第四點，斷聯期留下了神祕的空間。

You may be having your own painful journey,

你可能正在經歷自己痛苦的旅程，

but the space away from someone allows them to have to think about where you are, what you're doing, the manner in which you're moving on.

但遠離對方，能讓他們必須去想你在哪裡、你在做什麼、你是怎麼堅強地繼續前進的。

And when someone breaks up with you, they're not entitled to know everything about what you're feeling every day, about what your journey is.

而且當對方跟你分手時，他們沒有權利知道你每天的感受、你的旅程是什麼。

你的旅程不再是他們的旅程了。

It's a separate thing, and that mystery can actually be a good thing.

這是一件獨立的事，而這種神祕感其實是件好事。

Number five, it raises the stakes for the person who broke up with you.

第五點，這會提高跟你分手那個人心中的賭注。

A lot of the time, in order to break up with a person, we—if we're the person doing the breaking up—have to psych ourselves up for that moment.

很多時候，為了跟一個人分手，我們——如果我們是那個提出分手的人——必須在心裡為那個時刻做好準備。

We may not be entirely sure whether it is the right decision.

我們可能不太確定這是不是一個正確的決定。

So what we have to do is get to a place of real certainty where we know, "Okay, this is the right thing.

所以我們必須讓自己處於一個真正確定的狀態，知道「好的，這是對的。

I need to do this." And then we break up with someone.

我需要這麼做。」然後我們就跟對方分手了。

After a breakup has happened, if the person we've broken up with stays in our lives, is calling us constantly, texting us constantly, answering our messages constantly, we're not actually feeling the pain of that breakup.

分手之後，如果我們分手的那個人還留在我們生活中，一直打電話、一直傳訊息、一直回覆我們的訊息，我們其實就感受不到分手的痛苦。

but we don't feel the stakes of having made that decision because there are no consequences right now to having made that decision.

但我們感受不到這個決定的份量，因為現在做這個決定並沒有任何後果。

And that actually starts to warp the effect of the breakup.

Or perhaps a more important word to use would be it dilutes the effect of the breakup.

或者，更精確的說法是，它稀釋了分手的效果。

Someone, in a sense, gets to have it both ways.

在某種程度上，對方可以兩全其美。

but I don't even feel the consequences of that, not the true consequences.

但我甚至感受不到這個後果，不是真正的後果。

And if I don't feel the true consequences of that, then I'm not even getting a chance to evaluate truly whether this was the right thing or not because I haven't really lost it.

而如果我感受不到這個真正的後果，那我根本沒有機會去真正評估這是不是正確的決定，因為我並沒有真正失去它。

What we have to do if we're on the receiving end of a breakup is go through this period of space of no contact so that the other person actually feels the magnitude of what they've done.

如果我們是分手的那一方，我們必須經歷這段「斷聯期」，讓對方真正感受到他們所做事情的嚴重性。

They actually understand viscerally that there is a person in my life I have lost.

他們會真正體會到，我的生命中有一個人我失去了。

There is a relationship that is no longer there because of my decision.

有一段關係因為我的決定而消失了。

When we—because of our own fears, because of our own need to hang on, and

當我們—因為我們自己的恐懼，因為我們自己需要緊抓不放，

because thinking that hanging on is the best way to keep someone around—when we do this, we are removing the emotional fallout of the breakup from that person.

並且認為緊抓不放是留住一個人的最好方法—當我們這樣做時，我們就移除了對方從分手中感受到的情感衝擊。

And in doing so, we're not actually giving them a clear picture of what their life is going to be like without us in it.

這樣做，我們並沒有真正讓他們清楚地看到，沒有我們在他們生命中會是什麼樣子。

It doesn't hurt to send someone a message or a letter accepting their decision.

發訊息或寫信給對方，接受他們的決定，並不會有什麼損失。

In the Get Him Running Back to You program, I call this a goodbye letter,

在 Get Him Running Back to You 課程中，我稱之為告別信，

but the way I think about it today, it would be more apt to call it a "I'm taking your decision seriously" letter.

但以我今天的想法，稱它為「我認真看待你決定」的信會更貼切。

When you send this text, what you're really saying to someone is, "I, as you know, don't think this is the right thing.

當你發送這則訊息時，你實際上是在告訴對方：「我，如你所知，認為這不是對的。

I think that we're awesome together, and I think that we would have an awesome future together.

我認為我們在一起很棒，我也認為我們會有一個很棒的未來。

I'm prepared to work on the things that aren't working right now.

我願意努力解決現在不順利的地方。

I'm prepared to do the things to make our relationship amazing.

我願意付出努力讓我們的關係變得美好。

但要做到這一點，我需要一個隊友，

and that means someone who's willing to work on them with me.

這意味著需要一個願意和我一起努力的人。

And you obviously are not because you've decided to end it.

而你顯然不是，因為你決定結束這段關係。」

So while I think that this is the wrong thing, I have to respect that you've made this decision,

所以雖然我覺得這是錯誤的決定，但我必須尊重你做出的選擇，

and I wish you the best." If you think about it, in a breakup, one of the repellents is neediness.

我祝你一切順利。」如果你仔細想想，在分手時，讓人反感的其中一項就是「需要感」。

讓人反感的另一項就是「絕望感」。

And that's a sad truth because that's exactly what we feel in a breakup.

這是一個令人難過的事實，因為這正是我們在分手時的感受。

We feel probably the neediest we've ever felt in our lives.

我們感覺自己可能是有史以來最需要對方的。

We feel the most desperate we've ever felt in our lives.

我們感覺自己有史以來最絕望。

We're like a junkie who just needs their fix.

我們就像一個需要毒癮發作的癮君子。

I'll do anything to keep you." And it's precisely that energy that has the potential to push someone away.

我什麼都願意做來留住你。」而正是這種能量，很可能會把對方推開。

I wish we lived in a world where saying to someone, "I'll do anything.

我希望我們活在一個可以對一個人說「我什麼都願意做。

I'll do anything to keep you." I wish we lived in a world where that was an aphrodisiac,

我什麼都願意做來留住你。」的世界，

What it does is put an immense amount of emotional weight on someone at exactly the time where they have decided, for whatever reason, that they need to break up, break off.

這只會給對方帶來巨大的情感壓力，而這正是他們決定分手、結束關係的時刻。

So putting that amount of pressure on someone may have the effect of eliciting tremendous guilt.

所以，給予對方這麼大的壓力，可能會激發出巨大的罪惡感。

It may have the effect of eliciting an avalanche of sympathy,

這可能會激發出如雪崩般的同情心，

and that may even be something that makes them buckle and take you back for a moment.

甚至可能讓他們屈服，暫時讓你回到他們身邊。

It will only be until their sympathy subsides and the original reasons they decided to do it reappear.

那隻會持續到他們的同情心消退，而當初讓他們決定分手的理由又再次出現。

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The "No Contact Rule" Explained | Matthew Hussey

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