Name: 卡特菲爾德：這真是個了不起的辯護！ (Gutfeld: This is a hell of a defense)
Uploaded: 2025-12-20T04:39:43.000Z
Duration: 15 min 43 s

反身代名詞

Serial farter Eric Swalwell has missed more House votes than a congressman who died nine months ago.

連環屁王 Eric Swalwell 缺席的眾議院投票數，比一個九個月前過世的國會議員還多。

Even more troubling, the dead congressman smells better.

更令人不安的是，那個死掉的國會議員聞起來還比較香。

Governor Kathy Hochul will sign a bill that'll make assisted suicide legal in New York.

州長 Kathy Hochul 將簽署一項法案，讓紐約合法化協助自殺。

And within hours, one woman signed up to volunteer.

幾小時內，就有一位女士報名當志工。

Meanwhile, in outer space, NASA telescopes have spotted a bizarre new lemon shaped planet.

同時，在外太空，NASA 的望遠鏡發現了一顆奇特的檸檬形狀新行星。

Scientists say there's no signs of intelligent life, but it is open to getting probed.

科學家說沒有智慧生命的跡象，但它倒是對被探測持開放態度。

According to a new survey, the average child's allowance is $52 per month.

根據一項新調查，小孩的平均零用錢是一個月 52 美元。

Hell, the kid who walks on my back makes twice that.

老天，我背上走動的小孩賺的比這還多兩倍。

Did you know that Kevin McAllister's groceries in Home Alone have gone from 20 bucks in 1990 to 53 bucks today?

你知道嗎？《小鬼當家》裡凱文買雜貨的費用，從 1990 年的 20 美元漲到現在的 53 美元了？

Meanwhile, you can still get Macaulay Culkin to walk on your back for $2 a day.

同時，你還是可以花一天 2 美元的代價，請 Macaulay Culkin 在你背上走動。

Privacy experts warn that app connected vibrators may be collecting your personal data.

隱私權專家警告，與 App 連線的按摩棒可能會收集你的個人資料。

I guess that explains why that butt plug tried to sell me boner pills.

我想這解釋了為什麼那個臀部塞子想賣我壯陽藥。

President Donald Trump has now added plaques under ex president's pictures in the White House Presidential Walk of Fame.

川普總統現在在白宮總統名人堂裡，在前總統們的畫像下方加上了牌匾。

Under Joe Biden, he put worst president in history, which is rough, but worse.

在拜登總統底下，他寫了「史上最爛總統」，這很慘，但更糟的是。

Under Bill Clinton, he wrote, who wants to smell my finger?

在柯林頓總統底下，他寫著「誰想聞我的手指？」

好了，法妮·威利斯回來了，而且

she's testifying in Georgia after being accused of misusing funds and taking her boyfriend, Nathan Wade, on exotic trips.

她在喬治亞州作證，因為她被指控濫用資金，還帶著她的男友奈森·韋德去豪華旅遊。

Apparently, this pervy prosecutor's idea of an oral argument began with, am I using too much teeth?

顯然，這位變態檢察官的口頭辯論開場是：「我用太多牙齒了嗎？」

So instead of answering questions like a seasoned lawyer, she answered them like a Real Housewife of Atlanta trying to convince a cop that it's perfectly legal to park a car in a tree.

所以她沒有像經驗豐富的律師那樣回答問題，反而像個《亞特蘭大嬌妻》的成員，試圖說服警察把車停在樹上是完全合法的。

You all want to intimidate people from doing the right thing.

You all want to intimidate people from doing the right thing, and

你們都想嚇阻別人做對的事，而且

you think that you're going to intimidate me.

You all have been trying to intimidate me for five years, which is why I have not been able to live in my house for five years because the N word has been written on my house.

你們五年來一直試圖恐嚇我，這就是為什麼我五年來都無法住在家裡，因為我的房子上被寫了 N 字。

Someone wrote the N word on her house and we're just hearing about it now?

有人寫了 N 字在她家，我們現在才知道？

I thought the only thing she kept quiet was banging a prosecutor.

我以為她唯一閉口不談的就是跟檢察官上床。

And how is asking questions intimidating?

That's like a plumber looking at your clogged toilet and saying, you know, you should really call somebody about this.

這就像水管工看著你堵塞的馬桶說，你知道，你真的應該找人來處理一下。

But when they had a question about her lover, she dodged it.

但當他們問起她情人的問題時，她卻迴避了。

When Rachel Campos Duffy is pushing Girl Scout cookies.

當 Rachel Campos Duffy 在推銷 Girl Scout 餅乾時。

Is it your testimony today that you did not have any conversation with Mr.

你今天的證詞是說，你沒有跟 Wade 先生談過調查 2020 年選舉的事嗎？

Wade about investigating the 2020 election?

But she's angry because for once in her life, she's asked to show her work.

但她生氣了，因為她人生中第一次被要求證明她的工作。

So she gave more attitude than a TSA worker inspecting my bag of massagers that were definitely for my neighbor.

所以她表現出的態度，比 TSA 員工檢查我裝著絕對是我鄰居用的按摩器們的包包還要多。

So you're asking me to look at documents that I haven't for the first time.

所以你是第一次要求我看我沒看過的文件。

You allowed Mr. Wade to bill 160 hours a week, and then Mr.

你允許韋德先生每週請款 160 小時，然後韋德先生

Wade would be the first one in the office making sure that my staff arrived.

會是第一個到辦公室確保我的員工準時上班的人。

你請韋德先生每週請款 160 小時。

她可能數學和貓咪時間比較差。

Turns out, though, she meant hours per month.

結果發現，她說的是每個月的工時。

Kind of a moot point anyway, since Wade was not being paid for work, but

反正也沒什麼意義了，因為韋德不是為了工作支薪，

We just want to know, did you misuse funds?

我們只想知道，你挪用了公款嗎？

Did you hire Wade because he was a great prosecutor and you liked his briefs, or you liked them only when they were hanging from the bedpost?

你聘請韋德是因為他是一位優秀的檢察官，你喜歡他的辯護詞，還是你只喜歡它們掛在床柱上的時候？

You know, there's an old lawyer saying, if you can't pound the facts, you pound the law.

你知道，律師有個老說法，如果不能掌握事實，就掌握法律。

And if you can't pound the law, you pound the table.

如果不能掌握法律，就拍桌子。

And if you can't pound the table, pound the lawyer on the table.

如果你不能拍桌子，就拍律師。

But I wonder, was he a leader to that team?

但我很好奇，他是那支隊伍的領導者嗎？

He was a leader to that team and a public servant.

他是那支隊伍的領導者，也是公僕。

And for that, him, like me, has been threatened thousands of times.

為此，他和我一樣，被威脅了成千上萬次。

You want something to investigate as a legislature, investigate how many times they called me the N word.

你想讓立法機關調查什麼，就調查他們罵我 N 字頭的次數。

Why don't you investigate them writing on my house?

你為什麼不調查他們在我家亂寫亂畫？

Why don't you investigate the fact that my house has been swatted?

你為什麼不調查我的房子被「特警」闖入的事實？

If you want something to do with your time, that makes sense.

如果你想找點事做，那就說得通了。

And you can use all this in your campaign ad.

你可以把這些都用在你的競選廣告裡。

Oh, now, I gotta say, that's a hell of a defense.

喔，我得說，這真是個了不起的辯護。

Who cares if I broke the Law when people call me bad names.

別人罵我名字的時候，我管他有沒有違法。

Reels of sassy lard asses shoplifting at Walmart.

那些在 Walmart 裡大搖大擺偷東西的胖屁股的 Reels。

Where it's now racist to investigate corruption.

現在調查貪腐竟然會被說成是種族歧視。

Her testimony exposes an entitlement created by a different set of rules governed by fear.

她的證詞揭露了一種由恐懼主導、適用於另一套規則的特權感。

And it's a fear of being called racist if you request oversight and receipts.

而這種恐懼，就是如果你要求監督和提供收據，就會被貼上種族歧視的標籤。

None of us could talk like that in a congressional hearing.

我們沒有一個人能在國會聽證會上說那種話。

但對其他人來說，規則根本不適用。

And neither does answering basic questions.

Rather, remember The Stacey Abrams NGO that got 2 billion in taxpayer money from Biden despite making $100 in revenue the year before.

相反，還記得史黛西·艾布蘭的非政府組織嗎？在它前一年營收只有 100 美元的情況下，卻從拜登那裡獲得了 20 億的納稅人資金。

Ilhan Omar refuses to address whether she tied the knot with her brother because she could.

伊爾汗·奧馬爾拒絕回答她是否和她哥哥結婚，因為她可以這樣做。

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卡特菲爾德：這真是個了不起的辯護！ (Gutfeld: This is a hell of a defense)

stuff

perceive

matter

convince