我是你們的主持人 Stephen Colbert。

Ladies and gentlemen, first of all, let me start off by saying happy Hanukkah yesterday.

各位觀眾，首先，讓我先祝大家昨天 Hanukkah 快樂。

Yesterday, our president celebrated the first night of Hanukkah by holding a Christmas party where he told a story that somehow lasted eight nights.

昨天，我們的總統在舉辦聖誕派對時慶祝了 Hanukkah 的第一個晚上，他講了一個故事，這個故事竟然持續了八個晚上。

Ladies and gentlemen, Trump's in front of a group of families, including small children, who are waiting to see Santa, which, knowing this administration is probably a shirtless RFK Jr.

各位，川普站在一群家庭面前，其中包括小孩子，他們在等著看聖誕老人，但你知道這個政府，大概會是個沒穿上衣的 RFK Jr.。

I'm sorry, remind me, who flies his sleigh?

抱歉，提醒我一下，是誰在駕著他的雪橇？

Anyway, rather than giving some canned remarks, Trump decided to do a little crowd work when he spots a man whose name is Dr.

不管怎樣，川普沒有說一些制式的發言，反而決定做一些與觀眾互動，當他看到一個名叫 Dr. 的男人時。

James Jones and is inspired to tell this story.

James Jones，並受到啟發講述這個故事。

Dr. James went on a trip to Peru with the two Obama girls.

James博士和兩位 Obama girls 一起去了祕魯旅行。

It's known for being a rather rough place in terms of physical creatures crawling around.

眾所周知，那裡爬滿了各種生物，環境相當嚴峻。

Take one second to to think of the word animal.

花一秒鐘想想「動物」這個詞。

It's right on the tip of my physical creature crawling around in my mouth, the pink tasting worm.

就在我嘴裡爬行的生物的舌尖上，那條粉紅色的、有味道的蟲。

Peru is known for being a rough place loaded with dangerous physical creatures.

祕魯以其充滿危險生物的惡劣環境聞名。

And they've got this one little bear who is a maniac for marmalade.

No, you were telling us how dangerous Peru was.

不，你是在跟我們說祕魯有多危險。

28,000 people die a year from a snake bite.

Have you forgotten the immortal words of Tiny Tim?

你是不是忘了 Tiny Tim 的不朽名言了？

另外，這裡快速事實查核一下。

He said 28,000 people die a year from snake bites in Peru.

他說祕魯每年有兩萬八千人死於蛇吻。

And our fact checkers fact checked the actual number of people who died from snake bites in Peru from the years 2000 to 2015.

我們的 વાસ્તવિકતા તપાસકર્તાઓએ 2000 થી 2015 દરમિયાન પેરુમાં સાપના કરડવાથી મૃત્યુ પામેલા લોકોની વાસ્તવિક સંખ્યા તપાસી.

A period of time when one imagines the story took place is 10 total in 15 years.

એક સમયગાળો જ્યારે કોઈ કલ્પના કરે છે કે વાર્તા બની હતી તે 15 વર્ષમાં કુલ 10 છે.

He said 28,000 every year multiplied by 15 factored into 10 over 15 and the answer is dementia.

他說每年兩萬八千人乘以十五，再除以十五年，結果是失智症。

He snakied on final Day, final two hours, he gets hit by a viper, Right?

他在最後一天、最後兩小時，被一條毒蛇咬了，對吧？

I believe it'll be a beloved holiday tale, just like that classic Samuel L. Jackson movie.

我相信這會是一個很受歡迎的節日故事，就像那部經典的 Samuel L. Jackson 電影一樣。

I have had it with these Merry Christmas snakes on this happy Hanukkah plate.

我受夠了這些快樂 Hanukkah 盤子上的聖誕快樂毒蛇。

Long story short, the doctor in his story gets bitten, and that's bad.

長話短說，故事裡的醫生被咬了，這很糟糕。

So naturally you're wondering, how powerful was this snake?

所以你很自然地會想，這條蛇有多厲害？

It's so powerful, this snake said to be the most poisonous, that the black mamba, the brown mamba, and

這條蛇非常厲害，據說是毒性最強的，比黑曼巴蛇、棕曼巴蛇，還有

The black mamba, the brown mamba, the mamba number five.

黑曼巴蛇、棕曼巴蛇、曼巴五號。

A little bit of Rita bit by a snake, a little bit of Tina.

一點點的麗塔被蛇咬了，一點點的蒂娜。

Didn't expect the electrocution, did you, Ellis?

This story, this story, which I need you to know, went on for nearly 10 minutes, was full of wholesome details about what happened after Dr.

這段故事，這段故事，我希望你們知道，持續了將近十分鐘，充滿了關於 Dr.

Jones 被咬後發生的各種溫馨細節。

他被告知他的權利，還有他的。

This is a terrible story for a room full of children, but

這對一群小孩來說是個很糟糕的故事，但

great viral marketing for Anaconda, starring my guest tonight, Paul Rudd, now considered a Christmas movie.

卻是 Anaconda 的絕佳病毒式行銷，今晚我的來賓 Paul Rudd 主演，現在被認為是聖誕節電影。

As you can see, Trump had his holiday fun, but

正如你所見，川普享受了他的假期樂趣，但

he also used this Christmas party to make a big policy announcement.

他也利用這個聖誕派對做了一個重大的政策宣佈。

We have a policy thing that's going to be unbelievable happening.

我們有一個令人難以置信的政策要宣佈。

Should I announce it or should I keep it quiet?

我應該宣佈它，還是保持低調？

Oh, please, please, please announce your new policy initiative.

哦，拜託，拜託，拜託宣佈你的新政策倡議。

這是一種幫助負擔能力的方法嗎？

Is it a plan to keep health care premiums from skyrocketing?

這是一個防止醫療保費飆升的計畫嗎？

這項令人難以置信的政策是什麼？

We're building an arc, like the Arc de Triomphe.

我們正在建造一座方舟，就像凱旋門一樣。

In Paris, but to be honest with you, it blows it away.

在巴黎，但說實話，它遠遠超越了它。

Look, to be honest with you, if I have to be, not my first choice, but

說實話，如果我必須說，雖然不是我的首選，

但說真的，是的，我們會這麼做。

It's gonna better than the Ark, than Paris.

It's a better arc than Paris, a bigger bend than London.

它比巴黎的弧線更美，比倫敦的彎度更大。

We're going to make an even leaner tower of pizza.

我們要打造一座更精簡的披薩塔。

字幕列表影片播放

超離奇故事集！長蛇傳奇 | 川普：我們要造方舟 | 年度「爛」片 | 我愛你，醉醉的浣熊！ (A Long Snake Tale | Trump: We're Building An Arc | "Slop" Of The Year | I Love You, Drunk Raccoon)

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