Name: Coldplay Coded | Gabriel Iglesias (Coldplay Coded | Gabriel Iglesias)
Uploaded: 2025-07-25T15:38:37.000Z
Duration: 8 min 33 s

動名詞

And by the way, I know I keep pointing at people in the front right here, uh, if you're here tonight with someone you have no business being here with, and you see a camera coming by, just be like, hey, hey, victory.

順便說一句，我知道我一直在指著前面的人 如果你今晚和你不該來這裡的人在一起 看到有攝影機經過，就說，嘿，嘿，勝利了

未來簡單式

Before I forget you guys, I would like to thank the Allstate Arena for providing some amazing accommodations backstage.

在忘記你們之前，我要感謝全州體育館（Allstate Arena）在後臺提供的一流住宿。

Let me tell you right now, I love my dressing room for the simple fact that it has basic things that I really like, like light switches.

讓我現在就告訴你，我喜歡我的更衣室，因為裡面有我非常喜歡的基本東西，比如電燈開關。

A lot of these arenas are now starting to go green.

現在，很多場館都開始採用綠色設計。

And so they're taking away the light switches and they're replacing them with sensors.

是以，他們拆除了電燈開關，取而代之的是傳感器。

Like when you're 10 feet away and it senses you in the whole room, just what I don't like is that when they're messed up, then you have to walk into a dark ass room and establish your presence.

就像你在 10 英尺之外，它就能感知到你在整個房間裡，但我不喜歡的是，當它們一團糟的時候，你就必須走進一個黑漆漆的房間，然後確定你的存在。

But then you stand still for four seconds.

In addition, backstage, my sink has knobs on it.

此外，在後臺，我的水槽上還有旋鈕。

I have control of the temperature and the pressure of the water, which in the Chicago area, I believe is very important, especially in the winter.

我可以控制水溫和水壓，在芝加哥地區，我認為這一點非常重要，尤其是在冬天。

Oh man, you guys are no joke in the winter.

天啊，你們冬天可不是鬧著玩的。

You need warm water when you wash your hands.

You can't rely on a sensor that gives you nothing but cold water because you wash your hands with cold water, your hands get all cryptic.

你不能依賴一個只給你冷水的傳感器，因為用冷水洗手，你的手會變得很敏感。

Then you go outside and people are making fun of you.

然後你走到外面，人們就會取笑你。

My dressing room, you guys, has a sink that has hot and cold.

我的更衣室裡有一個冷熱水槽。

I hate it when they take that away from us and they replace it with that little sensor.

我討厭他們剝奪我們的權利，用那個小傳感器取而代之。

So now in addition to being a comedian, now I got to be a magician.

所以，現在除了當喜劇演員，我還要當魔術師。

I'm not a magician, but if you watch me wash my hands, that's what I look like, you know, just nothing.

我不是魔術師，但如果你看我洗手，那就是我的樣子，你知道，什麼都不是。

I feel like there's someone behind the mirror messing with me like, watch this.

我覺得鏡子後面有人在跟我搗亂，好像在說，看這個。

I like a lot of soap when I wash my hands.

I hate it when they take that away from us and then they replace it with that little spout that goes next to the faucet.

我討厭他們奪走我們的水龍頭，然後用水龍頭旁邊的小水嘴取而代之。

You stick your hand under it and it gives you that little booger of soap.

把你的手伸進去，它就會給你一個小肥皂泡。

那個小莫科，你把它放在下面。

You know you need more, so you pull it out and then you go back in, but the sensor's like, no, it's still you.

你知道你需要更多，所以你把它拔出來，然後再插回去，但傳感器會說，不，它還是你。

Once you get enough soap on your hands, now you got to try to wash it off, but you can't wash it off then and there because the timer for the water has timed out.

一旦手上沾上了足夠多的肥皂，你就得想辦法把它洗掉，但你不能當時就把它洗掉，因為水的計時器已經超時了。

So now you have to back up and now it's a second performance.

所以，現在你必須備份，現在是第二次表演了。

Now it's a race to get that soap off your hands.

現在，你要爭分奪秒地把肥皂從手上拿下來。

Once you get the soap off your hands, now you got to try to dry your hands.

把手上的肥皂弄掉後，就得設法把手擦乾。

Some take the paper towels and they put them in a box on the wall with another sensor and there you are.

有些人把紙巾放在牆上的一個盒子裡，裡面還有另一個傳感器，然後就可以了。

只有三英寸，你什麼也做不了。

隨便問一個女人，她們都會告訴你。

Have you ever walked into the bathroom stall, closed the door, locked it, turned around, looked at the toilet and seen a blinking red light on the wall?

你是否曾經走進衛生間，關上門，鎖上，轉過身，看著馬桶，然後看到牆上閃爍的紅燈？

All you're trying to do is get the tissue paper off the wall for the toilet seat.

你要做的就是把牆上的紙巾拿下來，用來裝馬桶蓋。

You turn around and you put it on like a cape and you let it slide down your back while you slowly try to time it just right.

你轉過身，把它像披風一樣披在身上，讓它順著你的背滑下來，同時慢慢地試著把時間掌握得恰到好處。

And just as you're about to sit down, somebody always walks into the bathroom and distracts you.

就在你準備坐下的時候，總會有人走進洗手間，分散你的注意力。

Your knees are bent and unless you do crossfit, you're not coming back from that one.

你的膝蓋彎曲了，除非你進行交叉健身，否則你是不可能從那一擊中恢復過來的。

Then your bare ass touches the seat and you're like, ah!

然後你的光屁股就會碰到座位，然後你就會想，啊！

And just when you think it can't get any worse, now this water splashing up hitting you right in the ass.

就在你以為情況不會更糟的時候，水花四濺，正打在你的屁股上。

And then the water goes down the drain and it creates that air vortex that goes right between your legs.

然後水順著下水道流走，在你的兩腿之間形成空氣漩渦。

所以，現在你後面有一場海嘯。

You haven't even made magic yet and you've already been violated by plumbing.

你甚至還沒創造出魔法，就已經被水管侵犯了。

Now it's time for cleanup, time for maintenance.

And the problem with using the restroom nowadays is that most venues, including this one, instead of putting a human-sized toilet paper roll inside of the human-sized toilet paper roll dispenser, they take their ass to Costco or Sam's Club or one of these places where you buy in bulk and they buy that giant gorilla roll of toilet paper.

現在上廁所的問題是，包括這裡在內的大多數場所，都不把人類大小的廁紙卷放進人類大小的廁紙卷分配器裡，而是跑到好市多或山姆會員店，或者這些可以批量購買的地方，買那種巨大的大猩猩廁紙卷。

And then they come back here and they force it into that little tiny compartment.

然後他們回到這裡，把它強行塞進那個小隔間裡。

So now this giant wheel is locked in place.

現在，這個巨大的輪子被鎖定在原地了。

You can't even find where it starts because they glue it.

你甚至找不到它是從哪裡開始的，因為他們把它粘起來了。

Out of desperation, you got to pull out your car keys and cut into the side of it like a bag of cocaine on Narcos.

無奈之下，你只好掏出車鑰匙，像《毒梟》裡的一袋可卡因一樣，在車身側面劃上一刀。

Chicago, a year from now, a year from now, I am predicting that they are going to take 100% control of the restroom.

芝加哥，一年之後，一年之後，我預測他們將百分之百地控制洗手間。

You're going to be sitting there and you're going to think of me because you're going to see it.

你坐在那裡，你會想到我，因為你會看到它。

You're going to look over to the toilet paper and there's going to be a blinking red light on it.

你往廁紙那邊看，上面會有一個閃爍的紅燈。

And you're going to be like, oh my God, Fluffy called it.

You're going to get frustrated and just sit on it.

你會感到沮喪，就這樣坐以待斃。

字幕列表影片播放

Coldplay Coded | Gabriel Iglesias (Coldplay Coded | Gabriel Iglesias)

trick

fluffy

mess

pressure