Since I have hissed at you the customary 437 times,

自從我習慣性地對你哈氣 437 回後，

it is now my duty as the head of the household to, begrudgingly, welcome you.

現在身為一家之主的我有責任，百般不願地，歡迎你。

Perhaps you are here to replace me,

也許你是來取代我的，

but I must do my duty in educating you on your new surroundings as Maximilian once did for me.

但我還是得履行我的責任：讓你熟悉新環境，就像麥克米倫之前為我做的。

Rest in peace.

願老麥安息。

Dear Kitten, this room here is basically a crapshoot.

親愛的小貓，這間房間基本上就像場賭注。

Either you get the petting of your life and I mean two hands like you don't even know what's going on,

你有可能得到生命中的「摸摸」，我指用兩隻手的那種摸到讓你神魂顛倒，

or they just lie there and don't do anything for hours. It's weird.

或者他們就只會躺在那邊好幾個小時，什麼都不做。有夠奇怪。

Oh, and I should also point out.

噢，還有我必須指出，

On special occasions, they will leave the underwear drawer open to signal their appreciation...of me.

在特殊時刻時他們會打開內褲那層衣櫃，來表示 ... 對我的感激。

Just to be clear, it's my spot.

話先說清楚：那是我的地盤。

It's perfect in there.

待在裡面棒極了，

It's like sleeping surrounded by underwear.

就像在內褲海中睡覺。

Well, I mean… that's exactly what it is.

呃，我的意思是 ... 確實就是那樣。

Dear Kitten, I remember when I could fit in a shoe. There's nothing like it.

親愛的小貓，我還記得當時可以塞進鞋子裡時，沒有什麼比這更棒的了：

Being engulfed in 360 degrees of foot smell.

被腳臭味 360 度吞沒。

Enjoy it while you can.

在你還塞得進去時好好享受吧。

Dear kitten, because you are so small, you cannot jump.

親愛的小貓，因為你太小隻還無法跳。

Which is sad. Sad for you. But eventually you will.

真難過。替你感到難過 。但你終究會跳的。

And you will find the places that I referred to as "up."

然後你會找到一些被我稱為是「上」的地方。

This will come in handy, especially around the human larva,

這時候就很管用了，尤其當小人類在附近時，

which I know smells like milk, but can be a bit...grabby.

就我所知他們聞起來像牛奶，但可能會讓你很想抓他們。

Dear Kitten, you should be aware that there are two kinds of food.

親愛的小貓，你得注意食物有兩種，

The first is sort of a dehydrated, brown nibblet.

第一種像是脫水的咖啡色點點。

I think they give us these because they are training us to be astronauts.

我想他們給我們這東西是想把我們訓練成太空人吧。

Just a guess. The second kind is wet food.

猜猜而已。第二種食物是濕食。

It is so special they keep it in little armored metal casings that no claw can penetrate.

它們特別到要被放在小小的鐵甲容器中，任何爪子都無法刺穿。

With no claws to speak of, the humans can somehow open them.

人類雖然沒有爪子，卻能以某種方式打開他們。

It's like some dark magic.

這簡直像是某種黑魔法。

Dear Kitten, I should warn you of the monster known as "Va-cuum."

親愛的小貓，我得警告你一種叫「吸塵器」的怪物。

It can eat and yell at the same time. And i've seen it eat everything.

他會吃了你，同時間大吼。我看過它吃掉所有的東西。

Seriously, like a paper clip and two cat toys. Didn't even flinch.

說真的。它會吃掉像一個迴紋針及兩個貓玩具。不用害怕。

To hide from "Va-cuum," you may use the curtains of invisibility.

要躲避 「吸塵獸」，你可以善加利用隱形窗簾。

Oh yeah, you're good.

噢耶，你不錯哦。

Good hiding. Oh, boy.

躲得好。噢嗚天啊。

Dear Kitten, one final note.

親愛的小貓，最後一個忠告：

Once in a while you might see a little red dot.

你可能偶爾會看到一個小紅點。

I'm going to tell you this right now. It is real and it can be caught.

我現在就要跟你說：那個點是真的，而且是抓得到的。

I did it once. I held it for a full minute.

我曾經成功抓住一次並維持整整一分鐘。

But when I lifted my paws, it was gone.

但當我舉手掌時，點點就不見了。

So Kitten, welcome to the household.

所以小貓，歡迎來到這個家。

You will do just fine.

你會混得不錯的。