I've done so much work on myself in the last five years I quit dating losers that took a minute yeah thank you thank you there's no rehab for that only sponsors losers are hard to quit losers are a lot like cigarettes you have one in your mouth you feel pretty cool but everyone around you is like oh we're sad for you don't do that around my kids all my friends are like you need a guy with a car and a job and I'm like yeah but then I gotta deal with his wife like it's a whole thing and I'm trying to be a better partner too I haven't always been a great partner I dated one guy on again off again for four years I would dump him get back together dump him get back together I was the girl you couldn't bring home for holidays cuz what are you gonna say at that point just like mom dad this is my lesson that I can't seem to learn don't get attached he and I broke up because he cheated on me in my head and I could not I'm sorry if you love me you wouldn't even do it up here like you wouldn't even put yourself in that situation I read too many of those signs he's cheating articles have you read those they're all the same just like oh did he buy you flowers he feels guilty oh did he call you babe he doesn't know your name was he nice to your family he slept with your mom I am NOT a casual dater here's how not casual I am I actually got engaged this year nope didn't work out context clues I would have expected better from you front row no it's okay it's all for the best didn't work out just wasn't the right fit but man I learned a lot about myself in the process of getting engaged first off I didn't know what a basic bitch I was who was gonna love being engaged that much but something happened when that ring went on my finger something in my stupid lady lizard brain went level completed and I just kind of floated through Target like oh am I better than everybody what's that no I don't need help someone loves me I'll find the right after I cancel therapy I'm all fixed I wore that ring for two months I never got used to it it kept getting caught on stuff like sweaters and my freedom like it was cumbersome it also just didn't look right on me it was a diamond on this it looked stupid I looked like a rescue dog in a Gucci sweater it was so dumb I mean I had a mugged I'm like bitch I look like I stole it are you serious I knew I was too young to be getting married because people kept telling me that I was I had so many people that were like I got married at 25 don't know if I'd do that again I'm like aren't you guys still together they're like yeah I just don't like dating apps because I feel like people curate these really fake opening lines they'll just copy and paste and use on everybody I talked to a tinder his opening line no matter who it was was uh so do you like sunrises or sunsets that's me choking on his dick cuz that's a great line I mean that's poetry that's like a that's a haiku I think check my math but that lines a Joe's bag you should reuse it I had a guy on OkCupid send me an emoji as an opening line not a cute one not like a heart or a kissy face or even an eggplant which is gross but I get it he sent me one of these you know the one you never touch cuz it looks like Pac-Man getting a colonoscopy half of you won't enjoy this joke cuz you don't know what I'm talking about that's how rarely this emoji is used and I responded so I was like I gotta make sure this guy doesn't hurt anybody so I wrote back and I said does this work for you do people respond cuz they're confused are you negging me what's happening here and he goes well the way a woman responds to the emoji tells me a lot about her character and I said all right detective douche rocket what does my response tell you about my character and he goes well it tells me you're really transparent honesty super important to you and you have trouble trusting people that emoji works so we should get coffee or married I don't know doctor douche rocket I'm sorry I do want to get married but I think before you get married you have to make sure that you're realistic okay about what love and relationships are and can be not cynical don't go too far I mean I made the mistake of babysitting after I broke off my engagement and that is not the time to be caring for someone with hope I was so nervous I'm always nervous to babysit I don't want to ruin her life cuz like that's her parents job and so I just put on a Disney movie and I hid in the kitchen and I thought we'll get through these four hours together halfway through the Disney movie this little girl she's six years old she comes running up to me in the kitchen she goes Taylor what is being in love feel like and it's tough you know cuz like how do you even begin to explain love to a child that young how do you begin to explain romance and courtship you know it's complicated there's an app and you gotta download it and swipe there's like a whole resume you have to take a picture from up here facetune it that's another app okay but I didn't want to lie to her and I wanted to relate it to something she would have understood something that she would have experienced in her young life so I thought about it and I said being in love it's sort of like okay do you remember when you got lost at the grocery store that was scary right but then do you remember how you felt when you finally found your mom how safe and happy and relieved you were and how you ran up to her and you grabbed her leg and then you looked up and it wasn't your mom that's kind of what it's like out here yeah you think you know somebody turns out it's just some stranger with your mom's knees trust no one swipe left every guy I've ever dated has told me I have trust issues which is something liars say when you're on to him you have trust issues babe you have a hot co-worker and a locked phone so I can't help it at the beginning of a relationship with a guy I just assume anything nice he does is a move he pulls on everybody and I'm not gonna fall for your choreography sir I'm like oh is this is this your move you open the car door for me on the date this is like your move this is how you do it it's cute bet that works a lot oh is this is this your move you go with me to my grandpa's funeral hold an umbrella over my head in the rain is like this is like your move this is how you do it oops don't get wet oops I am whatever this ain't my first rodeo I used to have two grandpas oh is this is this your move you die next to me in a hospital bed at 86 years old holding my hand for all eternity this is like your move this is how you get pussy he's like we've been together for 60 years I'm like you're a fuck boy and I know it don't bury me with this guy he's been dying with other people behind my back I can't prove it check his phone when he uses the bedpan but that's why we're in therapy a lot of my friends are settling down some of them are just settling period end of sentence you guys know those couples everyone knows one couple like that we're like one person the couple's way hotter and cooler than the other person on the couple I like to call those couples chocolate-covered raisins because you're like sure you could put those two together if you want but every time you see them you're like chocolate what are you doing you could have been with anybody you could have been with caramel you could have been with marshmallow you could have been with peanut butter who I heard cures depression and you want to be with raisin forever like no offense raisin you're great we love you nature's candy that's you but you belong with like oatmeal like you know that right this doesn't feel good right aren't you scared every day that someone's gonna come along and suck chocolate right off of you I love this joke it's like to feel couples in the audience looking at each other like am I chocolate or raisin we're both chocolate right babe we're chocolate covered chocolate or we're like those little Lindor guys in the foil you know I'm I'm the creamy part and you're the shell cuz you're so strong and if you leave me I'll be a mess women are surprised when they find a guy who can make them come and straight feelings in their heart like women are like he got me off three times and guys are like I mean I just fucking like her dude like like we talked all day I didn't want to hit her it was nuts she's just like my friend I don't know I want to like lick her heart I think straight dudes are so proud of themselves for falling in love it's really cute they're like I love you hell yeah buddy I knew you could get there women fall in love we're like I love you again you dumb bitch you were supposed to love you first you keep skipping that part it is eat pray then love oh it's okay we'll try again in a year and a half new relationships are awkward he's got to tell a whole new person what you like in bed and the only reason you know what you like in bed is cuz someone else did it to you first but you can't say it like that right you got to do that cute little tap dance of like oh babe you know it would be so fun that's never even occurred to me before you know what your body is inspiring me to do right now but in your head you're just like do it like Craig could you just do it how Craig did it every time Craig didn't do shit right he did that right let me tell you can we just call him can we just call him and it's not a big deal we're all adults here remember we reset the Wi-Fi router last month it's just like that baby he's just a voice on the phone with the password that's all he is to me now no I did block his number when you asked me to of course I did but when you block a number your phone kind of just saves it in a different folder who some of us are gonna fight in the car not everybody knew that you have to be able to talk about what you like in bed and you have to know what you can and can't say all right like I've been telling guys for years I like a little rougher in bed I don't say like that I say like oh I'm damaged you know like if you're a straight guy don't say that if a straight dudes like I'm damaged fucking run that guy that guy wants your toes in a baggie so sometimes you think you like something and you don't I thought I like dirty talk turns out I just like dirty phrases we agreed upon earlier you ever tell someone you like dirty talk and then they hit you with something in bed and you're like no that was not approved by corporate no I was having sex with a guy once I was on top and he just went look at you在過去的五年裡，我對自己做了很多努力，我戒掉了和失敗者約會，這花了我一分鐘的時間，是的，謝謝你，謝謝你，沒有戒毒所，只有贊助商，失敗者是很難戒掉的，失敗者很像香菸，你嘴裡叼著一根，你會覺得很酷，但你周圍的人都會說，哦，我們為你感到難過，不要在我的孩子面前這樣做，我所有的朋友都會說，你需要一個有車有房有工作的男人。我想是的，但我還得應付他老婆，這是個大問題 我也想做個更好的伴侶 我一直都不是個好伴侶 我和一個男人斷斷續續交往了四年 我會甩了他，又複合 甩了他，又複合他和我分手是因為他在我腦海裡欺騙了我，而我
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