on a still-warm evening. A metre away from you, a group of people are chatting animatedly.

在一個溫暖的夜晚，離你一公尺遠的一群人正熱絡地聊天。

Someone is telling an anecdote, it might be something about a train ride they took or

有人在說生活趣事，可能是有關他們搭的火車，

the mishaps on someone's bicycle, and their companions break in occasionally with rich

或是有人騎腳踏車發生事故，他們有時聽到彼此的故事會大笑。

laughter and stories of their own. The group as a whole seem confident and attractive and

這群人整體看起來很有自信，很受人注目，

the main narrator especially so. But there may as well be a high solid brick wall or

尤其是主要說話者，但是有可能會讓你覺得你和他們之間有高高堅固的牆，

a lamprey-filled moat between you and they. There is resolutely no way you could ever

或是充滿七鰓鰻的護城河阻隔著。你完全無法插入他們的話題。

move in to say hello. You smile your characteristic weak, loser's smile, pretend to study the

你笑得很虛弱，像是失敗者的笑容，假裝你去研究書架上的書。

bookshelf – and leave the gathering ten minutes later. Much of the advice is about

在十分鐘後離開那群人。有很多建議都是有關這樣的情況下應該說些什麼。

what one might say in the circumstances. It could be better to start somewhere else: with

從某些地方開始著手應該會更好：人們應該在想什麼。

what one should think. Chronic shyness is a guess about what other people are like.

羞怯是猜測他人想法。

Though it doesn't feel like it when it has flooded us, it reflects a rationally-founded

雖然當下我們感受不到，

assessment as to the nature and intentions of other members of our species. It is not

但它反映了我們對其他成員的性質和意圖所做的評估。

a chemical imbalance or an impulse: it's a philosophy – albeit a deeply unhelpful

這不是化學不平衡或是衝動：這是哲學，儘管不實用。

one.

It's essential assumption is that other people are self-sufficient, that they do not lack

這個基本假受試其他人都自給自足，他們不缺陪伴，

for company, that they are not alone with anything, that they understand all they need

他們不孤單，而且他們知道自己想要的是什麼。

to know – and that they do not share in any of our frailties, hesitations, secret

而且他們不會分享自己的弱點、猶豫、

longings or confusions. This echoes, in an adult form, the assumptions a child might

秘密的渴望或疑惑。這以大人的形式回應了小孩可能對老師做的假設，

make of their teacher, a competent stern grown-up who appears never to have been young, silly,

一個能幹且嚴肅的年輕人，他似乎永遠不會年輕、愚蠢、

tender or interested in a pillow fight. This lack of faith in the humanity of others is

溫柔或是對枕頭戰有興趣。對人性缺乏信心，是自然的傾向。

a natural tendency of our minds. We go by the external cues – and few people feel

我們採用外部線索，很少人覺得有足夠安全的狀況下透露自己的弱點。

safe enough to display their vulnerabilities. We therefore come to assume that we are living

因此我們假設自己生存在金屬鍍層的機器人中，

among superior, metal-plated cyborgs rather than fragile, water-filled uncertain entities.

而不是在脆弱、水組成的物體中。

We cannot believe that most of what we know of our own minds, especially the self-doubt,

我們無法相信我們所知道大部分的內容，尤其是自我懷疑、

the anxiety and the sadness, must exist in those of strangers too. We forget that we

焦慮和難過，也存在於陌生人心中。

also give off few signals as to what we're really like. We too are filled with emotions

我們忘記了我們也發出一些我們真正喜歡的訊號

and interests that we inadvertently end up hiding, that others might not normally expect

我們也無意中隱藏自己的情緒號興趣，其他人可能不會發現。

of us – and that could easily lead a stranger to misjudge us and feel intimidated. But we're

這很容易讓陌生人誤解我們並感到害怕。

slow to convert this crucial insight into a social strategy, into a confidence-inducing

但我們很難將這重要的洞察力轉換成社會策略，轉變成一種自信的知識。

knowledge that others must also, as we do, harbour requisite doses of warmth, longing,

其他人也像我們一樣，懷有溫暖、渴望、好奇心和悲傷。

curiosity and sorrow – the ingredients from which new friendships are built. A seemingly

這些都是構成新友誼的成分。

happily-married person might have a lot of agony around the course of their relationship;

看似幸福的已婚的人，在他們的婚姻關係中可能遇到很多痛苦；

a pugnacious sportsman might suffer from chronic anxiety and shame; a CEO might have vivid

一個好鬥的運動員可能患有慢性焦慮和羞恥；一個執行長擁有辛苦打拚的回憶歷歷在目；

memories of their struggles and a lot of space in their imagination for people whose careers

對職涯尚未起飛的人們，可能對職場鬥爭有無限的想像；

have yet to take off. A very intellectual person might – internally – be longing

一個非常聰明的人可能心裡很渴望交到新朋友，

for a new friend who could patiently encourage them to dance (or forgive their inept girations).

是願意耐心地鼓勵他們跳舞或原諒他們無能為力的朋友。

Our error is to suppose that the way a person seems is the whole of who they are: our anxiety

我們做錯的就是只看他人一部分就認為是全部的假設：

closes off the core fact that we are all much more approachable than we seem. The key to

我們的焦慮關閉了核心事實，讓我們外表看似較不平易近人。

self-belief – and to the mindset of being able to talk to strangers successfully – doesn't

自信的關鍵 - 以及能夠成功地與陌生人交談的心態 -

lie in strenuously insisting on our own merits; its source is a more accurate and less forbidding

並不是堅持我們自己的優點；而是更準確、不令人生畏的想像源自於陌生人的內心中，

mode of imagining the inner lives, and especially the inner troubles, of strangers.

尤其是他們內心的煩惱。

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