- (pops) Well, lookie here!

（跳出來）好！現在看這裡（lookie是美國南方方言）

Looks like we got someone in the market

現在看來這裡有個人在市集裡面

for a new pair of shoes, hmm?

要找一雙新鞋子，是嗎？

- Oh, I just got them, so I'm not looking anymore.

喔，我剛買一雙，所以現在我不想看了。

- A guy who knows what he likes and takes it.

這是個知道自己喜歡什麼並且購買的人。

- I'm sorry, who are you?

不好意思，你是哪位？

- Oh, I'm just a door-to-door targeted

喔，我只是個鎖定目標按門訪問的

salesman and buddy, and I'm here to help.

銷售員和兄弟，我來這是為了要幫忙。

- A targeted salesman?

有針對性的銷售員？

- That's right.

是的沒錯。

I know your entire internet history,

我知道你完整的網路紀錄

your likes, your dislikes, your friends,

你喜歡的、你不喜歡的、你的朋友、

family, age, sex, location, where you've been,

家人、年紀、性別、位置、你曾經到過的地方

where you're going, favorite websites,

你正要去的地方、喜歡的網站、

and it's all to get you the stuff

以及所有為你準備你的東西

you want when you want it!

就在你想要它的時候

- I just needed a new pair of shoes

我當時只是需要一雙新鞋子

and I got them, so thanks, but no thanks.

而後來我得到了，所以謝謝，不用了。

(whooshes)

（飛快地移動）

How did you--

你如何...

- Oh, I'm everywhere, and a good thing for you

喔，我無所不在，我還有個好東西給你

and for your wallet.

還有你的皮包。

Now, I don't show this to just anyone,

現在，我不是對每個人都會展示這個

but I can tell you're a savvy customer,

但我相信你是一個悟性很高的顧客，

so here is something that you

這裡有一些東西

are guaranteed to like.

保證你會喜歡。

- Yeah, those are the shoes I just bought.

是，這些鞋子我才剛買。

- I knew you'd like them.

我知道你喜歡它們。

- Yeah, but I just bought them,

是，但我才剛買，

so I don't need another pair.

我不需要第二雙。

- Ooh boy! You are one tough customer, you know that?

喔，少年耶！你是一個難搞的客人，你知道嗎？

But that's alright.

但沒關係。

You've got high standards, and I've got

你有很高的標準，但是我也擁有

the high quality goods to match.

高品質的商品來滿足你。

So let me ask you this,

讓我來問你看看

would you like a shirt that is designed

你喜歡襯衫是被設計成

not to be tucked in, huh?

不用紮的嗎？

- No.

不

- Really?

真的嗎？

- What about my search history

我的搜尋紀錄是怎麼

made you think I'd want that?

讓你覺得我會喜歡這個東西？

- You know what? Forget about it.

你知道嗎？忘掉它！

I'll bring it up later, okay?

我等一下會跟你說，OK嗎？

- Please don't.

拜託不要。

- Now, we have to talk Doc McStuffins.

現在，我們必須談談小醫師大玩偶（兒童節目）

How many Doc McStuffins toys

要多少隻小醫師大玩偶的玩具

can I put you down for?

才讓能我收買你？

Eight? 10? 100? More?

八隻？十隻？一百隻？更多？

What do you want?

你想要什麼？

- No, I don't like Doc McStuffin,

不，我並不喜歡小醫師大玩偶

I was just looking for a gift for my niece.

我只是在幫我的姪女找禮物。

- Oh, sure. Alright, I see what's going on here.

喔，當然！好的，我會確認發生了什麼事情。

Now, if you decide you want some

現在，如果你想要一些

Doc McStuffins toys for your niece,

小醫師大玩偶的玩具給你姪女，

you just come to me, okay, because I've got

你可以來找我，OK？因為我有

all the Doc McStuffins merchandise.

所有小醫師大玩偶的商品，

McStuffins videos, McStuffins coloring books,

他的影片、他的彩色書、

McStuffins pencils, I've got it all,

他的筆，我有所有的，

and I've got it all right here!

而且我把它通通帶來這裡了

- Okay, no. Stop.

Okay，我不要！請停止。

It was a one-time purchase.

當時只是一次性的購買而已。

- Now does that guy know I'd love to donate sperm.

現在這個傢伙知道我喜歡去捐精嗎？

- No, I don't know what I could have

不！我不懂到底我可能

possibly clicked on to make you think that!

點了什麼（網頁）讓你這樣想。

- Okay, forget about it.

Okay，別管這個。

What you really need is a shirt

你真正需要的是一件

that's designed not to be tucked in, right?

不用紮進去的襯衫，對吧？

- Goddammit.

可惡。

- Or how about these shoes?

或者試試看這些鞋子？

- I just got shoes.

我才剛買鞋！！

- But these are a slightly different color.

但是這些在顏色上些微不同。

- I don't need two pairs

我不需要兩雙

of nearly identical shoes!

幾乎差不多的鞋子！

- Now, any of these products aren't relevant to you,

現在，如果有任何產品跟你沒關聯

you just let me know, okay?

你可以儘管讓我知道，OK嗎？

- None of them are relevant.

沒有任何一樣有關聯的！

- Great, now I saw you click something

好的，現在我看到你點擊了一些東西

that makes me think you want 40,000

因此我想，你需要的是四萬隻

live ladybugs. (insects buzzing)

活的瓢蟲（蟲聲）

- I just clicked that link 'cause I thought

我在亞馬遜上點那個連結只是因為我覺得

it was a funny thing on Amazon,

它是很有趣的玩意。

not because I'd ever want to buy them.

並不是因為我曾經想過要買他們！

- Okay, but you did click it,

Okay，但你確實點擊它了，

so you're kind of interested, right?

所以你還是有點興趣，對吧？

Is it the number that's the problem?

是因為這個數量造成問題嗎？

'Cause we could do less,

其實我們可以減少一點，

maybe 20,000 live ladybugs? (buzzing)

或許兩萬隻活的瓢蟲？（蟲聲）

- For something that's supposed

對於應該要好好地

to know me so well, you do a really shitty job.

認識我這件事情來說，你實在做得很爛。

- Do you need to refinance your student loans?

你有想過要為你的學生貸款在融資嗎？

(sighs)

（嘆氣）

I saw you were on Zillow. Do you need a mortgage?

我看到你曾經上Zillow網站（房屋資訊），你會需要貸款嗎？

(groans angrily)

（憤怒地低吼）

I could save you money on the LSAT!

我可以在LAST上幫你省錢

- I don't want to be a lawyer!

我不想當個律師！

- Well, at least let me show you

好吧，但至少讓我向你展示

some baby clothes I know you'll love.

一些嬰兒服裝，我知道你會喜歡。

- I don't need 'em.

我不需要這些東西。

My girlfriend's not pregnant, so.

我的女朋友並沒有懷孕，所以不需要。

- Oh, she didn't tell, oh. Oh.

喔，她並沒有說，喔，喔。

- Oh fuck.

喔，可惡！

- Well, how about a shirt you don't have to tuck in?

好吧，那來件你不需要紮的襯衫如何？

Hi, it's Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor.

嗨，我是CollegeHumor（美國脫口秀喜劇）的Mike Trapp

Click here to subscribe.

點擊這裡訂閱

Click here for more fun things,

點這裡來看更多有趣的東西，

and send help to keep me from sinking.

並且傳送幫助，以防我沉下去。

Please. Please help.

拜託，拜託幫忙一下

Please help.

請幫忙。