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  • Good morning, Hank. It’s Wednesday. I wanna begin by thanking you for your extraordinarily

  • thoughtful and nuanced video about Haiti. And you also gave us a real way to really

  • help, link in the dooblydoo. And I don’t know how to respond to your brilliance and

  • your compassion except by sharing with you stupid questions that people ask Google.

  • That’s right, Hank, it’s time forGoogle Auto-Fill once again proves that people are

  • weird.’

  • Hank, today I’m going to answer the top 10 questions people ask Google beginning,

  • Why does my…?”

  • Why does my eye twitch? I have great news! Your eye doesn’t twitch.

  • More on that in a second.

  • Why does my cat lick me? Okay, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret:

  • cats believe that all other organisms are cats. Once you realize that, a lot of cat

  • behavior begins to makes sense. So, why does your cat lick you? Because it thinks it’s

  • grooming you. So when your cat licks you he’s thinking "I love you gigantic hairless cat,

  • and to show you, I will lick you.”

  • Why does your urine smell? Probably because youre dehydrated, although

  • it could be because you have Maple Syrup Urine Disease. Maple Syrup Urine Disease, which,

  • by the way, is completely real, is a rare disease with four main symptoms. The first

  • is that your urine smells like Maple Syrup. The other three are coma, brain damage, and

  • death. But hopefully you just need to drink some water.

  • Why does my dog eat poop? Because he can. Hank, so a couple of years

  • ago I was at the doctor and he said, “You have a parasite called campylobacter.” And

  • I said, “Okay, how do you get that parasite?” And he said, “You get it from eating feces.”

  • And I was like, “Well, I’m just gonna throw this out there. Ummjust so you know,

  • I don’t eat feces. I mostly eat, you know, foods and then that food turns into feces,

  • and then I just let the feces go.” And he was like, “Oh yeah, most people get it by

  • being licked by their dogs.” Willy Green, why did you give me campylobacter?! Anyway,

  • it turns out dogs eat poop mostly because theyre bored or stressed out, so if your

  • dog is eating poop, give him other stuff to do.

  • Why does my stomach hurt? I’d look into the possibility of campylobacter.

  • Why does my eyelid twitch? …Is what you meant earlier when you asked

  • about your eye twitching. It’s probably because you stare at screens all day long,

  • and googling the problem is not helping.

  • Why does my cat bite me? I think that’s what the Zen masters would

  • call ‘a question wrongly put.’ The question isn’t ‘Why does my cat bite me?’ The

  • question isWhen did my cat become a vampire, and what can I do about it?’ And the answers

  • areProbably pretty recently or else you’d already be dead,’ andNothing. I’m

  • sorry. Make your peace with your friends and with your enemies, because your time is short,

  • owner of vampire cat.’

  • Why does my stomach growl? Because your stomach has told your brain to

  • tell your stomach that you are hungry, and that leads to some muscle contractions and

  • releases of acids and it just blorgoglggog.

  • Why does my dog lick everything? Interestingly, the same reason your dog eats

  • poop. It’s because you spend all your time on the internet and none of your time with

  • your dog, so he or she is bored.

  • And lastly, Why does my computer keep freezing? Why are you being so mean to your computer?

  • It’s obviously working well enough for you to Google. But to answer your question, porn-bots.

  • So there you have it, Hank. The tenHow does my…’ questions people ask Google

  • the most. I have one for you: How does my little blue guy fall down every single time

  • I make a video?

  • Hank, thanks again for reminding us that the hardest problems are the ones that most need

  • solving. I’ll see you on Friday, DFTBA.

Good morning, Hank. It’s Wednesday. I wanna begin by thanking you for your extraordinarily

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我的狗狗為什麼會吃便便? (Why Does My Dog Eat Poop?)

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    何平平 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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