Name: 醫生會怎麼修改！這些超NG的個人陳述範例 (Bad Personal Statement Examples (How a Doctor Would Fix Them))
Uploaded: 2025-12-22T18:02:06.000Z
Duration: 10 min 54 s

No matter how strong your academic scores are, a bad personal statement will lead to med school rejection.

無論你的學術成績多麼優秀，糟糕的個人陳述都會導致醫學院拒絕。

第二類條件句型

But what if you had an inside look at what separates a bad or even generic personal statement from those that get interviews?

但如果你能一窺究竟，瞭解什麼能讓糟糕甚至一般的個人陳述與那些能獲得面試的陳述區分開來呢？

我是 Med School Insiders 的 Dr. Jubbal。

Our team of doctors and I have read thousands of personal statements and we've seen common mistakes repeated over and over again.

我和我的醫生團隊閱讀了數千份個人陳述，我們看到了重複出現的常見錯誤。

97% of the students we work with are accepted to med school, so we know exactly what works and what doesn't.

我們合作的學生中有 97% 被醫學院錄取，所以我們確切知道什麼有效，什麼無效。

In this video, I'm going to walk you through bad personal statements, showing you examples of what went wrong and the specific changes that can salvage a bad essay.

在這部影片中，我將帶您瞭解糟糕的個人陳述，展示出錯的地方和能挽救糟糕文章的具體修改。

Make sure you stay until the end to see the single biggest mistake most pre meds make that results in a bad personal statement.

請務必待到最後，看看大多數預醫學生犯下的、導致糟糕個人陳述的最大單一錯誤。

Walking into the office, I heard a most unsettling sound.

走進辦公室，我聽到一個令人不安的聲音。

A distinctive screeching, painful yelp audible throughout the clinic.

一種獨特的尖叫聲，痛苦的嗚咽聲在診所裡清晰可聞。

I instantly knew what case I would be seeing next.

我立刻就知道接下來要看的病患是哪一種。

When I saw Brody, a toddler, I knew exactly what was happening to him.

當我看到布洛迪，一個小小孩時，我立刻就知道他發生了什麼事。

Due to my vast and extensive research on the bacteria that caused the disease, I knew it was Bordetella pertussis, a gram negative aerobic pathogenic encapsulated Coxobacillus of the genus Bordetella.

由於我對引起這種疾病的細菌進行了廣泛深入的研究，我知道是「博德特氏菌」，一種格蘭氏陰性、需氧、致病、有莢膜的博德特氏菌屬的桿菌。

Describing all that I knew about the microbe's pathogenesis and explaining how my research could improve vaccine efficacy was comforting to the family.

描述我對這種微生物致病機轉的所有了解，並解釋我的研究如何能改善疫苗的功效，讓家屬感到安心。

My research experiences have ignited a passion to continue being at the cutting edge of medicine while always seeking to improve patient care.

我的研究經驗點燃了我對持續站在醫學最前沿的熱情，同時也總是在尋求改善病患照護。

醫生們瞭解醫學是如何運作的。

Don't try to impress admissions committees with your breadth of medical knowledge in your personal statement.

在你的個人陳述中，不要試圖用你廣泛的醫學知識來給審查委員會留下深刻印象。

This is not the time to show how much you know about medicine.

現在不是展現你對醫學瞭解多少的時候。

Let your medical knowledge and skills shine through in your MCAT score transcripts and Work and Activities section.

讓你的醫學知識和技能在 MCAT 成績單和工作與活動部分中發光發熱。

There's no need to explain what a specific disease is to the admissions committee.

你不需要向招生委員會解釋某種疾病是什麼。

This only uses up your valuable space and could make you sound like you're trying to prove how much you already know.

這只會佔用你寶貴的空間，而且聽起來像是在證明你已經知道多少。

Although the student is leaning into storytelling, the narrative still overstates their role and impact.

雖然這位學生傾向於講故事，但敘述仍然誇大了他們的角色和影響。

Showing more humility would make the personal statement feel more grounded and credible.

展現更多謙遜會讓個人陳述感覺更腳踏實地、更可信。

Walking into the office, I heard a most unsettling sound, a distinctive screeching, painful yelp audible throughout the clinic.

走進辦公室，我聽到一個最令人不安的聲音，一種獨特的尖叫聲、痛苦的嗚咽聲在診所裡迴盪。

我立刻就知道接下來要看的病例是什麼。

When I saw Brody, a toddler, I knew exactly what was happening to him because I had spent the last two years on a team researching Bordetella pertussis.

當我看到布洛迪，一個蹣跚學步的孩子，我就知道他身上發生了什麼事，因為我花了過去兩年時間在一個研究博氏桿菌的團隊裡。

Discussing how our research could improve vaccine efficacy brought the family some hope for the future during a tough time.

討論我們的研究如何能提升疫苗的功效，讓這個家庭在艱難時刻對未來燃起一線希望。

My research experiences have ignited a passion to be at the cutting edge of medicine, always seeking to improve patient care so that one day I can come to a family like Brody's with a better prognosis.

我的研究經驗點燃了我對站在醫學最前沿的熱情，不斷尋求改善病患照護，希望有一天我能像面對布洛迪的家庭一樣，帶著更好的預後。

The personal statement is about your journey.

Show your passion for medicine while remaining humble.

展現你對醫學的熱情，同時保持謙遜。

Even if you are at the top of your class, you are still a pre med and have a long way to go before you become a doctor.

即使你成績名列前茅，你仍然是個預醫學生，在成為醫生之前還有很長的路要走。

Now, now, let's look at example number two.

好了，好了，我們來看第二個範例。

The foremost leading reason why I want to run after a career in medicine is because of a covenant vow I made to my sister when I was but a tender youth of eight.

我追求醫學事業最主要的原因，是我八歲時對我妹妹許下的誓約。

My sister, who was only an innocuous infant, was aware I had been shepherding her health while our parents were working late.

我妹妹，當時只是一個天真無邪的嬰兒，在我父母加班的時候，她知道我一直在照顧她的健康。

Shielding her from harm gave me a feeling of responsibility I had never experienced before.

保護她免受傷害，讓我體驗到前所未有的責任感。

When my sister arose from her slumber with a fever, I felt impotent.

當我妹妹發燒從睡夢中醒來時，我感到無能為力。

Her medical practitioner was able to take care of the most quintessential person in my entire existence and by systematically ruling out possible causes for the fever while still helping my sister feel safe, allowing me to see the unparalleled comeliness of medicine.

她的醫生能夠照顧我生命中最重要的人，透過系統性地排除發燒的可能原因，同時讓妹妹感到安心，讓我看到了醫學無與倫比的魅力。

Can you see the main issue with this one?

你能看出這個有什麼主要問題嗎？

While you want a personal statement that's dynamic and well written, it doesn't mean taking a deep dive into a thesaurus.

雖然你想要一篇有活力、寫得好的個人陳述，但這不代表要鑽研辭典。

Use words that convey your message clearly and concisely.

使用能清楚簡潔傳達訊息的詞語。

Don't search for flowery or complex language to impress admissions committees.

不要為了給招生委員留下深刻印象，而尋找華麗或複雜的詞彙。

In the end, you won't be impressing anyone.

最後，你不會給任何人留下深刻印象。

More attention will be put on your strange word choices rather than the story you're trying to tell.

他們會更關注你奇怪的用詞，而不是你想講的故事。

When editing your personal statement, think of how you can convey your point clearly and concisely.

在編輯你的個人陳述時，想想如何清楚簡潔地傳達你的觀點。

After all, 5,300 characters is not very much space to convince admissions committees of your passion and dedication to medicine.

畢竟，5,300 個字元空間不多，要說服招生委員你對醫學的熱情與奉獻。

Instead, the main reason why I want to pursue medicine is because of a promise I made to my sister when I was 8 years old.

相反地，我追求醫學最主要的原因，是我八歲時對我妹妹許下的誓約。

My sister, who was only a baby, was aware that I had been taking care of her while our parents were working late.

我妹妹那時候才剛出生，她知道在我爸媽加班的時候，都是我在照顧她。

To caring for her gave me a feeling of responsibility I had never experienced before.

照顧她讓我產生了一種前所未有的責任感。

When my sister woke up with a fever, I felt helpless.

當我妹妹發燒醒來時，我感到無助。

Her doctor was able to take care of the most important person in my life by systematically ruling out possible causes for the fever while still helping my sister feel safe allowing me to see the beauty of medicine.

她的醫生透過系統性地排除發燒的可能原因，同時讓我的妹妹感到安心，讓我見識到醫學的美好，成功照顧了我生命中最重要的人。

Let ADCOMs focus on your story rather than your use of a thesaurus.

讓招生委員專注於你的故事，而不是你使用辭典的結果。

Let's look at another example I continued to pursue my dream of practicing medicine when when I volunteered in the intensive care unit at the UC San Diego Thornton Medical center where I gained first hand experience interacting with patients.

我們來看另一個範例，我在加州大學聖地牙哥分校 Thornton 醫學中心加護病房當志工時，持續追求我行醫的夢想，在那裡我獲得了與病患互動的第一手經驗。

I talked to a patient who only spoke Spanish while I was collecting laboratory samples from nurses.

我在收集護士的實驗室樣本時，遇到一位只會說西班牙語的病患。

I was the only Spanish speaker in the unit and I only had a basic grasp of the language.

我是加護病房裡唯一會說西班牙語的人，而且我只懂一點點。

I asked the patient about her day and family and I was able to lift her spirits.

我問了病患關於她的一天和家人，並成功讓她心情好轉。

I learned the importance of making personal connections with patients through this experience.

透過這次經驗，我學到了與病患建立個人連結的重要性。

So what are the big mistakes this personal statement makes?

那麼這篇個人陳述犯了哪些大錯呢？

Yes, your personal statement is about you and it's from your perspective, but

是的，你的個人陳述是關於你，而且是從你的角度出發，但是

starting too many sentences with I is poor form.

太多句子以「我」開頭寫起來很不好。

Your writing will suffer and you'll be more likely to fall into the trap of just listing your accomplishments rather than establishing a cohesive narrative.

你的寫作會是以受影響，而且你更容易落入只列舉成就的陷阱，而不是建立一個連貫的故事。

Watch out for this in your writing and double check for too many eyes when you edit.

在寫作時要注意這一點，編輯時仔細檢查有沒有太多「我」。

Instead, add context to the beginning of your sentences.

相反地，在句子的開頭加入一些情境。

Shape each like a story, and add variety to your sentence structure.

讓每個句子像個故事，並讓你的句子結構更多樣化。

This is how you would improve this personal statement.

這就是你如何改進這篇個人陳述的方法。

I continued to pursue my dream of practicing medicine by volunteering in the intensive care unit at the UC San Diego Thornton Medical center where I gained firsthand experience interacting with patients.

我在加州大學聖地牙哥分校 Thornton 醫學中心加護病房當志工時，持續追求我行醫的夢想，在那裡我獲得了與病患互動的第一手經驗。

While collecting laboratory samples from nurses, I talked to a patient who only spoke Spanish as the interpreter had not arrived yet.

在從護士那裡收集實驗室樣本時，我遇到了一位只會說西班牙語的病患，因為當時翻譯還沒到。

I was the only Spanish speaker in the unit and my Spanish was basic at best.

我是加護病房裡唯一會說西班牙語的人，而且我的西班牙語頂多隻能算是基礎。

I asked the patient about her day and family, which lifted her spirits.

我問了病患她今天過得怎麼樣、她的家人，這讓她的心情好轉了。

This interaction taught me the importance of personal connections with patients.

這次互動讓我學到與病患建立個人連結的重要性。

Eyes are still present, but they don't overpower the story.

眼睛的描寫還在，但沒有壓過故事本身。

Here's bad Example number four Although I failed to gain admittance to medical school, I've remained steadfast in pursuit of achieving my dream to be a physician.

這是糟糕的範例四：雖然我未能進入醫學院，但我堅定不移地追求成為醫生的夢想。

Instead of accepting the failure of my application, I continued to foster these kinds of meaningful experiences with my patients and develop the traits necessary to forge the desired relationships I hope to foster as a physician.

與其接受申請被拒絕的事實，我繼續培養與病患建立有意義連結的經驗，並培養出作為醫生所期望建立的關係所需的特質。

Like like those my father had with his patients.

就像我父親與他的病患建立的關係一樣。

Always use light language when discussing a previous rejection from medical school.

在談論之前被醫學院拒絕的經歷時，務必使用輕鬆的語氣。

You definitely need to address your reapplication and how you are an improved candidate.

你絕對需要談談你的重新申請，以及你如何成為一個更好的候選人。

But you don't need to say since I failed last time or when I messed up my application and was rejected.

但你不需要說我上次失敗了，或是搞砸了申請被拒絕。

Instead, acknowledge the past while focusing on the future.

取而代之的是，承認過去的同時，專注於未來。

For example, here's a better way to loop in a previous rejection Directly witnessing the incredible impact my father left on the world has shown me what physicians can achieve in patients lives and their communities.

例如，這裡有一個更好的方式來帶入過去被拒絕的經歷：親眼見證我父親對世界留下的巨大影響，讓我明白醫生能在病患及其社群中達成什麼。

My struggles with his passing forced me to develop the resiliency necessary to not give up on this path when faced with setbacks and instead to redouble my efforts to be a pillar of light in my community as a future doctor.

經歷父親的離世讓我掙扎，但也迫使我培養出必要的回韌力，讓我在面對挫折時不放棄這條路，反而加倍努力，成為我社群中未來醫生的光輝支柱。

By the way, more of these personal statement examples are included in our Personal Statement Guidebook, which is completely free.

對了，更多這類的個人陳述範例都包含在我們的個人陳述指南中，這是完全免費的。

This resource shows you both good and bad personal statement examples along with feedback and insights from our team of physicians to help you work through writer's block.

這個資源會提供你好的和糟糕的個人陳述範例，以及我們醫生團隊的回饋和見解，幫助你克服寫作障礙。

It will show you exactly the steps you need to take to craft a personal statement that stands out for all the right reasons.

它會精確地告訴你，你需要採取哪些步驟來撰寫一篇真正脫穎而出的個人陳述。

You need to write a personal statement that opens doors and gets you accepted into medical school.

你需要寫一篇能為你開啟大門、讓你被醫學院錄取的個人陳述。

The next example is a quick way to get yourself into the rejection pile the metallic taste of morphine hit the back of my throat before I even realized the nurse had pushed the plunger on the syringe.

下一個範例是讓你快速進入拒絕名單的方式：嗎啡的鐵鏽味在我喉嚨後部迴盪，在我意識到護士推動針筒活塞之前。

One moment I was sprawled on the ER gurney, my bike mangled somewhere outside and my body screaming from where the car had clipped me.

前一刻我還躺在急診室的擔架上，我的腳踏車在外面被撞毀，身體因為被汽車擦撞而疼痛不已。

Next, morphine flooded my system and the chaos dissolved.

接著，嗎啡湧入我的身體，混亂也隨之消散。

But what stayed with me was the doctor's steady hands checking my injuries, the nurse's quiet reassurance, the synchronized efficiency of a team turning my worst day into yet another save.

但讓我印象深刻的是醫生檢查我傷勢時穩健的雙手、護士的輕聲安慰，以及團隊同步的效率，將我最糟糕的一天變成又一次的救援。

In that moment of forced stillness watching them work, I understood what I wanted to be the one bringing that comp to someone else's crisis.

在那被迫靜止的時刻，看著他們工作，我明白了我想成為那個為他人的危機帶來這種安慰的人。

To many personal statement reviewers, this paragraph is seemingly innocent, and

對許多個人陳述審閱者來說，這段話看似無害，

it's precisely why you need to have your personal statement reviewed by someone with admissions committee experience.

這正是為什麼你需要找有招生委員會經驗的人來審閱你的個人陳述。

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醫生會怎麼修改！這些超NG的個人陳述範例 (Bad Personal Statement Examples (How a Doctor Would Fix Them))

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