of a number of seemingly innocent choices,

大多數都是一個個 看似單純選擇的結果

each appearing insignificant at the time,

每個當時看似不重要

but all leading you in a single direction.

但總帶領你往同一方向的前進

By 18, I had chosen to use drugs to cope with my life,

十八歲時我選擇了用毒品去應付生活

and chosen to associate with people

和選擇了去認識一些

who didn't care about my well-being or that of others.

根本不會理會我生活好不好的人

In doing so, I had chosen to put myself into high-risk situations.

正因如此 我把自己放置於一個高危險的環境

(Sigh)

(嘆氣)

When I was 18, my mother died.

我媽媽在我十八歲時逝世

Three days later, I chose to meet with a drug dealer.

三日後我選擇跟一個毒販碰面

What I didn't know, when I chose to meet with this guy,

當時我並不知道我選擇碰面的人

was that he had an interest in adolescent boys and sex acts.

是個對年輕男孩和性行為有興趣的人

What he didn't know, when he chose to meet with me,

而他也不知道當他選擇與我碰面時

was that I was someone who was prepared to fight.

我是個已準備好抵死抗拒的人

What neither of us knew, when we made our respective choices,

我們都不知我們各自的決定

is where they would lead us.

會把我們帶到何處

Before the day was out, he would be dead,

當晚天亮前 他會死去

and I would be spending the first night,

而那也是我入獄的第一晚

of what would be the next 10 years, behind bars.

隨後的是十年的牢獄之刑

By 20, I had graduated to New Zealand's toughest maximum-security prison.

二十歲時 我被轉到紐西蘭的高度戒備監獄

It's here that I learned the theory of how to hide

這兒令我學會如何避開

from heat sensors and police helicopters,

熱力探測器和警方直升機

and the reality of how to make a weapon

和如何製作一些

out of glad wrap and a toothbrush.

以布和牙刷而成的武器

What I didn't realize before I was imprisoned,

我發現原來我未被監禁前

was that I was already living in a prison of my own making.

我已經身處於一個自己製造的監獄

The prison in my mind.

一個在我腦海裡的監獄

There are many beliefs that imprison us,

有很多信念都囚禁著我們

and stop us experiencing the fullness of life.

令我們不能感受生命的完滿

My prison was my belief that my potential was fixed.

我的監獄是我一直都認為 自己的潛能就只能如此

My prison was my belief that the measure of a man

我的監獄是我相信 量度男人的一把尺是

was his capacity for violence,

以他的暴力程度為標準

and that men shouldn't feel scared, sad, vulnerable, or weak.

而男人不應 感到害怕、傷心、脆弱或軟弱

It is ironic that I had to be in an actual prison

很諷刺的是 我得在實體的監獄裡

in order to break out of my mental prison.

才能擺脫我的精神監獄

It is also ironic that it wasn't until I was released

也很諷刺的是 直至我重獲自由後

that I realized how many other people

才驚覺原來有很多人

are trapped in their own personal prisons.

都同樣被困在各自的監獄裡

I was able to escape my mental prison

我能夠逃脫我的精神監獄

through five progressive steps to personal change.

是透過五個進程去達至個人改變

I call these "the five steps to freedom".

我叫它們為通向自由的五步

The first step to freedom

邁向自由的第一步

is to recognize that we are born free.

是去肯定我們是生而自由

As babies, we take our first breaths with a clean slate.

孩子生來就像白紙一張

But then life kicks in,

然後生命就開始了

and in an attempt to cope with our experiences

叫我們要去面對經驗

and make sense of our worlds,

去理解這個世界

we acquire self-defeating and distorted beliefs.

我們習得自我打擊和歪曲信念

Over time, these beliefs imprison us.

很多時候這些信念都囚困我們

Yet this is not the life we were born to live,

但這並非我們原本要過的生活

the life where we are truly authentic and free.

我們的生活是絕對的自由

It took a meeting with one of New Zealand's most accomplished safe crackers

我有次遇到紐西蘭 最厲害的保險箱竊賊之一

to challenge my idea of my freedom.

這挑戰了我對自由的理解

It was about 2 years into my sentence,

當時大概是我被監禁的第二年

and just after I'd finished another period in solitary confinement.

我剛從又一次的單獨禁閉出來

Now this guy was a MENSA member.

這人是國際智商組織門薩的人

He was smart,

他很聰明

and we used to spend a lot of time in the yard,

我們花很多時間在後園中

discussing the intricacies of his trade.

討論他貿易的複雜內容

The yard is like an empty swimming pool,

後園就像一個空的游泳池

where every end's the deep end.

所有東西都看不清

I remember as I'd watch a plane fly overhead,

我記得看見一架飛機從頭上飛過

how I so would have given anything to be in that plane, --

我是願意付出任何東西 去換登上那飛機的機會

(Voice cracks) -- wherever it was going, to be anywhere but here.

去哪裡都行 只要遠離這裡就好

One day the safecracker approached me

有一天他接近我

with a tennis ball and a heavy ashtray.

帶著一個網球和沉重的煙灰缸

And asked me:

然後問我

if he was to drop these at the same time,

如果他同時把兩樣東西掉落

which would hit the ground first?

哪樣會先落在地上？

I couldn't believe the stupidity of such a question.

我無法相信他竟然會問如此笨的問題

(Simultaneous thud)

(砰擊聲)

Watching those two objects hit the ground at the same time,

看著這兩樣東西同時掉落在地上

blew my mind.

令我很驚訝

I had never questioned my understanding of the world.

我從來沒有質疑過自己對世界的認知

I had always just assumed that the world was the way it appeared to me.

我一直都只是接受 世界向我展示的模樣

Yet this demonstration made me wonder

但這一次令我思考

what else I thought I knew

還有什麼我現知的

that I could be wrong about.

原來是錯誤的？

Prior to this,

在這之前

I'd always seen education as something that you did to get a job.

我一直以為教育是能令人得到工作

Now I started to see education as something

現在我開始覺得教育

that could make the world a more interesting place,

其實是會令世界變得更有趣

and something that could increase the accuracy of my beliefs.

令我的信念更為準確

And I had always been one of those insufferable people

我一直都是個讓人無法忍受的人

who likes to think they're right about everything,

因為總是覺得自己的想法是對的

a tendency that had prompted my Mum to put a note on the fridge

因此我媽貼了張紙條在冰箱上

suggesting that teenagers should leave home

寫著年輕人以為自己無所不知的時候

while they still know everything!

應該離家出去看看

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Recognizing that we are born free,

瞭解到我們是生而自由

and that the beliefs that imprison us

和知道哪些信念囚困我們

can be challenged and replaced

是可以被挑戰和取代的

is the first step to freedom.

是通往自由的第一步

The second step to freedom

通往自由的第二步

is choosing to break out of our prisons.

是選擇去逃脫自己的監獄

Living in a prison is tough,

住在監獄實在是很艱辛

but breaking out of prison is harder.

但要逃出更難

The desire to break out

那種想逃出的慾望

is driven by how likely we think we are to succeed.

是由我們想成功的程度驅策的

Many people choose not to break out of their prisons,

有很多選擇不逃脫的人

because they think that change is impossible,

是因為他們覺得改變是不可能的

and they see disappointment as inevitable.

他們覺得失望是無可避免的

Breaking out also depends on how much effort we think it will take,

要逃脫也要視乎 我們認為需要多少心力

and how much value we place on such change.

和我們認為這改變的價值

It is much safer to be inside.

在監獄裡我們相對更安全

We do not risk additional failure,

我們沒有機會再次失敗

and it requires less effort.

而它不需要太多努力

Recidivism rates support this point.

累犯率支持了這觀點

For many people, it is easier to be in prison.

對很多人而言 待在監獄比較容易

You have so few adult responsibilities on the inside.

因為面對很少成人需承擔的責任

And as twisted as it sounds,

雖然聽起來是一種歪理

many people find a sense of belonging,

但很多人會找到歸屬感

status and community

地位與社會

within prison that they don't get in the outside world.

只能在監獄而非外面世界找到

Everyone knows their place in the prison hierarchy,

在監獄裡每個人都清楚知道他們的地位

and for some people, that place provides their only sense of worth.

對於某些人而言 這些地位給予了他們唯一的價值

Breaking out requires real emotional commitment to change.

逃脫是需要強烈渴求改變的心

And to get that commitment,

如果你要去堅持

you need to focus on why you would want to change,

你要將重點放在為何你想改變

not why others might think you should change,

不是其他人為何認為你該改變

but why you would want to change for yourself.

而是為何你想要為自己而改變

I had never considered myself someone who could achieve academically.

我從來沒有想過 自己能成為學術上出色的人

I'd even been held back a year at school.

我甚至被留級過一年

Yet I enrolled in those first two psychology papers,

然而我修讀了兩堂心理學的課

because I knew that understanding what makes people tick

因為我知道了解人們的行為

is a useful skill to have in prison.

是有用於生存於監獄的

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Anywhere from 50 to 80% of people in prison

50% 到 80% 的囚犯

suffer some form of mental health issue,

都患有某種精神病

and being attacked due to the mental instability of others

因其他人精神不穩定而受攻擊

was a real concern.

是一個很明顯的問題

I completed my first assignment in solitary confinement.

我在單獨囚房完成了第一份作業

I printed it all as one paragraph, all in capital letters.

我寫成一大段 全用大寫

I did this because I was ignorant of writing conventions,

我如此做是因為 我對書寫的規範一竅不通

and I thought capitals looked neater.

而我也覺得大寫看起來更整齊

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I completed my exams in a windowless room in a punishment block.

我在一間沒有窗的囚房裡完成了考試

Yet I still somehow managed to pass my papers.

而我竟然也成功及格了

I was so amazed to pass these exams.

我對自己能及格感到很驚喜

It made me wonder if maybe I wasn't capable of more

這讓我想自己也不是沒有能力

than I had previously thought possible.

不是如我之前想像般

It made me dream. It made the think:

它讓我開始夢想、思考

"Imagine, imagine if I could get out of here with a degree!"

"想像我能得到一個學位然後出獄!"

Going for a degree seemed like such an audacious goal.

去考取一個學位看似是太高的目標

And a major obstacle to achieving this dream,

而一個阻礙我圓夢的是

was the amount of marijuana I was smoking.

我吸食太多大麻了

(Laughing)

(笑聲)

Smoking weed allowed me to enjoy the moment,

吸食大麻使我享受當下

and avoid the reality of my situation.

逃避現實

I was young and locked up.

我這樣年輕卻又被困起來

I was frustrated, I had no sense of direction.

我很沮喪 我失去了方向

If I was going to start the process of really changing my life,

如果我要開始改變我的人生

I needed to stop doing drugs.

我一定要停止吃毒品

Passing those exams had reinforced my desire to break out of my prison.

成功及格進一步強化了我逃出監獄的慾望

But wanting change, and turning that change into action,

但想改變和去實行

are two very different things.

畢竟也是兩回事

The third step to freedom is to make the escape.

通往自由的第三步是要逃脫

Dreams without action remain dreams.

沒有行動的夢想仍舊是夢想

In order to make the escape, you need to start taking steps

為了要逃脫 你要開始踏出一步

that reduce the distance between where you are

去縮短你在的位置

and where you desire to be.

與你想在的位置的距離

People that want to break out of their prisons,

那些想逃出監獄但失敗的人

but fail to do so, often think about change

常將改變視為

as something that occurs in some distant future.

在未來會發生的事情

The problem with us is that it doesn't prompt you to act,

我們的問題是 這些都沒有推動我們去行動

and change can start to feel like it's beyond your reach.

而改變能開始讓你感覺 它就在你觸手可及的範圍

It's tomorrow, next month, next year.

可能是明天, 下個月, 下一年

To make your escape, you must get specific about what you want to change.

要令你逃脫 你要明確知道你想改變什麼

Specific change is not wanting to lose weight,

明確的改變不是為了減一點重

but wanting to lose 5 kilos.

而是想減掉五公斤

Having the general idea that you want to write a book,

有一個想寫書的念頭

will not get you to put pen to paper.

不會令你開始拾起筆寫字

Having the specific goal

而是要有明確的目標

to write 500 words on Thursday just might.

設定在星期四寫五百字等 就有可能達成

The research shows that having vague goals

研究顯示有不明顯的目標

makes it hard to start and easy to give up.

會令我們更難開始行動、更容易放棄

Specific goals mean that you can't fool yourself into thinking

明確目標是不會令你誤以為

you have done enough.

你做得已經足夠

Many people in prison talk about what they will do when they are released,

很多囚犯都會討論出獄後會做什麼

how they will take better care of their kids,

講他們會如何好好照顧小孩

how they will lead better lives.

會如何有更好的生活

But life and change, are about what you do right now.

但生活和改變 是關於你現在做什麼

Time is a different commodity when you're serving a long period of imprisonment.

當你面對長期囚禁 時間是種不同的概念

To survive psychologically, you need to forget about the outside world,

要心理上生存下去 你先要忘記外面的世界

accept this is your new life,

接受這是你的新生活

and to focus on the present.

放眼於當下

Focusing on the present was key for making my escape.

重點放在當下 是我逃脫的重要一環

I didn't worry about what I was,

我不會擔心我以前怎樣

or wasn't going to do in some uncertain future.

也不會擔心未知的將來

I just focused on what I could do today.

我只放眼於今天要做什麼

On what I could do right now.

看看我這一刻能做什麼

Research shows that this ability to seize the moment

研究顯示擁有活在當下的能力

makes you 3 times more likely to achieve your goals.

令你能三倍更容易達到目標

So, I stopped smoking weed,

所以我不再吸食大麻

which allowed me to complete my undergraduate degree.

這令我完成了我的學士學位

It also massively reduced the amount of time I spent in solitary confinement.

這也縮短了我在單獨囚房的時間

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

For me, the specific and related goals,

對我而言明顯的目標

were to become drug free, and to complete my degree.

是遠離毒品和完成學位

The cost of making my escape was sacrificing being emotionally numbed.

完成逃脫的代價是放棄情感麻木

But making my escape didn't come without a struggle.

但過程也不是沒有掙扎

The fourth step to freedom is to fight for your freedom.

通往自由的第四步是 為你的自由而戰

Fighting for your freedom requires grit and tenacity.

為你的自由而戰 是需要勇氣和耐性的

To achieve your goals, you must overcome any obstacles you encounter.

為了達到目標 你必須跨過你的困難

Giving up drugs was not a straightforward process,

放棄毒品並非簡單的過程

there were certainly relapses.

當中有故態復萌

And studying within prison had its own set of obstacles,

而在監獄裡讀書也有其困難

such as getting permission to access course related materials.

例如要看課程資料 必須先取得允許

Yet overcoming such obstacles,

但去跨過這些困難

is exactly what fighting for your freedom is about.

正是為自由而戰

In fact, it is through overcoming such obstacles,

事實是 透過跨越這些困難

that we develop our capacity for change,

建立了我們改變的能力

and the will power required to make it happen.

也需要意志力

Many people think that will power and self-discipline

有不少人覺得意志力和自律

are things that you either have or you don't have.

有就有 沒有就自然沒有

But the research shows that these are characteristics

但研究顯示有些特質

developed through practice and application.

是可透過練習和應用而建立

By the time I completed my undergraduate degree,

在完成學士學位之前

I had developed enough tenacity

我已建立足夠的忍耐

to fight for entry into a postgraduate program in psychology.

去爭取進入心理學研究生課程

I then fought to have my honors research project

我之後爭取自己的畢業研究作品

upgraded to a Master's Thesis.

提升至碩士的論文

This left me with a number of papers that needed to be completed

這讓我要應付更多的文章

and that required attending classes.

且需要進教室上課

I was still securely absent from classes at this point.

但我蹲牢房沒辦法進教室啊

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But I was able to complete these papers because those teaching them

但我也能夠完成這些文章

allowed me to enroll as a special distance student,

因為老師們允許我上遙距課程

in addition to their normal workloads.

縱然加重了他們的工作負擔

At various stages in my journey, I encountered obstacles

在不同的階段我遇上了挫折