So I started to Google this. 30,000 people die each year from guns. And is that a lot? Definitely.

於是我開始谷歌搜索。每年有 3 萬人死於槍支。這個數字大嗎？當然多

One life is too many. But also, is 30,000 people a lot? I don't know.

一條人命太多了。但是，3 萬人多不多？我不知道。

See, some of you thought about it for a second, too. Because this is why. You could Google it after.

看，你們中的一些人也想過這個問題。因為這就是原因你們可以在谷歌上搜索

40,000 people die each year from tripping and falling. Those are the numbers, right, Sai?

每年有四萬人死於絆倒和跌倒。這些都是數字，對吧，賽？

Do with what you want to. 30,000, bang, ugh, which is definitely terrible.

你想怎麼做就怎麼做。3 萬，砰，唉，這絕對太可怕了。

But remember, 40,000, are you fucking kidding me?

但請記住，4 萬，你他媽的在開玩笑嗎？

Those are the numbers. Do with what you want to.

這些就是數字。你想怎麼做就怎麼做吧。

So my point is that the chances of somebody shooting you and killing you is a little lower than somebody shooting you, missing, and you going, oh my God, she missed. Are you serious, though?

所以我的觀點是，有人向你開槍並殺死你的機率要比有人向你開槍，但沒打中，而你會說 "天哪，她沒打中 "的機率要低一些。你是認真的嗎？

I just want you to remember that. And since we're on a little dark note, I'm going to make it just a little bit lighter.

我只想讓你們記住這一點。既然我們的話題有點黑暗，那我就來點輕鬆的。

These are also the statistics. 30,000 people get shot and die, but more than half of them shot themselves.

這些也是統計數據。3 萬人中彈身亡，但其中一半以上是自己開槍自殺的。

How beautiful is that? Only in America we get to see Jesus when we want to.

這有多美？只有在美國，我們才能在想見耶穌的時候見到他。

Some of you are like, oh yeah, where I come from. Dude, if you want to see Jesus, you got to wait in line, buddy.

你們中的一些人就會說，哦，是啊，我就是從那裡來的。老兄，如果你想見耶穌，就得排隊，夥計。

Or you got to jump off a building. Are you serious? How scary is it to jump off a building?

或者你得跳樓你是認真的嗎？跳樓有多可怕？

Oh, because first of all, I'm scared of heights. That's a real thing. And second of all, I'm super indecisive.

哦，因為首先，我恐高。這是真的其次，我超級優柔寡斷。

Which floor do you go? 50? Too high. That's way too long to regret it.

你去哪一層？50?太高了後悔也來不及了

Oh, wait. Too late, Jason. You fucked up. Chose the wrong floor.

哦，等等太遲了，傑森你搞砸了選錯了樓層

Oh yeah, but then go lower. Seven. Seven? Are you serious?

是的，但再低一點。七號七？你是認真的嗎？

What am I going to mess around and survive on accident? I'm trying to commit.

我怎麼才能在意外中苟延殘喘呢？我正在努力。

Oh, my legs. I was sad on the inside. Now I'm hurting on the outside too.

哦，我的腿。我心裡很難過現在我的外表也很受傷。

And I understand. Some of you like, you know, this is a dark subject.

我理解有些人喜歡，你知道，這是一個黑暗的話題。

And I know. And sometimes I get sad too. And that's why I want to make light of it and have a goofy good time.

我知道有時候我也會難過這就是為什麼我想讓它變得輕鬆，讓我們度過一段快樂的時光。

And that's why you guys laughed at that. Because you guys could relate.

這就是你們笑的原因。因為你們能感同身受

Everybody thought about doing it one time, you know.

每個人都曾想過這麼做，你知道的。

And if you haven't thought about it one time, you're a potato of a person.

如果你連這一點都沒想過，那你就是個 "洋芋"。

And you should definitely kill yourself.

你絕對應該自殺。

And some of you are like, oh, Jason, you shouldn't say that. Like, you know, that's so messed up that you said that.

有些人就會說 傑森 你不該這麼說就像，你知道，你這麼說太亂來了。

Like, if you're going to take advice from a comedian, kill yourself again.

比如，如果你要聽一個喜劇演員的建議，那就再自殺一次吧。

Like, kill yourself one time. And if you don't, one more time.

比如，自殺一次如果你不這麼做，那就再來一次。

Because we are a comedian. These are, you know, goofy good times here.

因為我們是喜劇演員這些都是，你知道的，傻乎乎的美好時光。

Yeah, but I don't know. I don't really have strong opinions, though. I don't have strong opinions.

是的，但我不知道。我沒有什麼強烈的意見我沒有強烈的意見。

I'm sorry. I know it seems like it. But I'm swayed easily.

我很抱歉我知道看起來是這樣但我很容易動搖

Sometimes a lot of people have strong opinions. And sometimes I get jealous of that.

有時候，很多人都很有主見。有時候，我也會為此嫉妒。

Because if you have strong opinions, it shows confidence. And people appreciate confidence, you know.

因為如果你有強烈的主見，就會顯示出自信。人們會欣賞自信，你知道嗎？

But sometimes I think, like, with new information, your perspective changes.

但有時我覺得，比如，有了新資訊，你的視角就會改變。

Like, the only thing I'm confident about is that I don't have strong opinions.

比如，我唯一自信的是，我沒有強烈的主見。

For example, when I was a kid, I never understood how there's so many homeless people.

例如，當我還是個孩子時，我一直不明白為什麼會有這麼多無家可歸的人。

I never understood that. My dad's always like, oh, because they're lazy. They didn't work hard.

我從來都不明白。我爸總是說，哦，因為他們懶。他們不努力工作

And I just believed that. But then as you grow, you start to pay bills every month.

我就是相信這一點。但隨著你的成長，你開始每月支付賬單。

Not one month off. Everybody just doing this every single month.

沒有一個月休息。每個人每個月都這樣做。

And then your perspective changed.

然後你的觀點就變了。

Now, I'm like, how is there not more homeless people?

現在，我想，怎麼會沒有更多的無家可歸者呢？

Like, how are most of us not homeless?

比如說，我們大多數人怎麼就不是無家可歸呢？

Because I Googled this, too.

因為我也在谷歌上搜索過。

70% of Americans, probably not in Manhattan Beach, but 73% of Americans have under $1,000 in their savings account.

70% 的美國人，可能不在曼哈頓海灘，但 73% 的美國人的儲蓄賬戶中存款不足 1,000 美元。

I was like, I did not know there's that many people have that much money.

我當時想，我不知道有那麼多人有那麼多錢。

See, I told you, with the laughter, not in Manhattan.

看，我告訴過你，在笑聲中，不在曼哈頓。

Yeah, you guys look like you own boats. Look at this guy's shirt. For sure he owns two boats.

是啊，你們看起來像自己的船。看看這傢伙的襯衫他肯定有兩艘船

Well, my point is that your perspective changed.

我想說的是，你的觀點變了。

Like, when I was a kid, my dad's always like, man, if you want to be successful, all you got to do is you got to work hard.

就像我小時候，我爸爸總是說，夥計，如果你想成功，你要做的就是努力工作。

And that's not true.

但事實並非如此。

Because we all need a little bit of luck.

因為我們都需要一點運氣。

Everybody needs a little bit of luck to dodge these surprises that life gives all of us.

每個人都需要一點運氣來躲避生活給予我們的這些意外。

Oh, you're on your way, and life is sneaky.

哦，你已經在路上了，生活就是這麼鬼鬼祟祟。

Oh, you're on your way to work, and you're tired, Pop?

哦，你在上班的路上，你累了，爸爸？

Life's like, boo, surprise.

生活就像，噓，驚喜。

You're also tired.

你也累了。

Life is sneaky.

生活是鬼鬼祟祟的。

Oh, you like to be successful and doing stand-up comedy?

哦，你喜歡成功和表演單口相聲？

Life's like, boo, surprise, pandemic.

生活就像，噓，驚喜，大流行。

And you're also fired.

你也被解僱了

Perspective changed. Never understood how there's so many homeless people.

視角改變了。一直不明白怎麼會有這麼多無家可歸的人。

My dad's like, oh, because they're lazy, and I believe that.

我爸爸說，哦，因為他們懶，我相信這一點。

Now I'm like, dude, homeless people are just us regular people that got too many surprises at once.

現在我想，老兄，無家可歸的人就是我們這些普通人，一下子得到了太多的驚喜。

Homeless people just hit the jackpot of surprises.

無家可歸的人們剛剛中了驚喜大獎。

They're like, oh my gosh, all for me?

他們會說，天哪，都是為了我嗎？

What is this box of?

這盒子裡裝的是什麼？

A box of mental illness. How fancy.

一盒精神病藥。真漂亮

I wonder who's it from.

不知道是誰送的。

Jesus Christ himself.

耶穌基督本人

I guess I can't return it.

我想我不能退貨了。

My thing is just we should just give each other the benefit of the doubt, you know?

我的想法是，我們應該相互信任，你明白嗎？

Hey, benefit of the doubt is a long word, huh?

嘿，"疑點利益 "是個很長的詞，是吧？

Like, you ever say it halfway and just give up and use tongue?

比如說，你有沒有說到一半就放棄了，改用舌頭？

It's a benefit of the doubt.

這是疑罪從無。

I think they got it. They got it.

我想他們明白了。他們明白了

Yeah, because people always shame, you know?

是啊，因為人們總是羞於啟齒，你知道嗎？

Like, I don't think people should shame because, yeah, you know, it's all perspective.

我不認為人們應該感到羞愧，因為，是的，你知道，這都是角度問題。

Like, I have a friend who's always on social media.

比如，我有個朋友總是在社交媒體上發呆。

It makes me feel really guilty.

這讓我感到非常內疚。

She's always like, don't eat the cows.

她總是說，別吃牛。

They're literally slaughtering them.

他們真的在屠殺他們。

You're a monster if you eat them.

如果你吃了它們，你就是個怪物。

And it's like, I don't want the cows to die either.

我也不想讓牛死掉。

But I don't know how else to eat the steak.

但我不知道還能怎麼吃牛排。

If there are other solutions, I would like to explore that with you.

如果有其他解決方案，我願意與您一起探討。

But so far, the moo-moo's got to go in my tum-tum.

但到目前為止，"哞哞 "還在我的肚子裡。

Don't shame is a thing. It doesn't feel good.

不要羞愧感覺不好

Like, this is another thing.

比如，這是另一件事。

I have a dog, and it's my first dog, and I love my dog.

我養了一條狗，這是我的第一條狗，我愛我的狗。

Yeah, but this lady, when I went to the park, she shamed me.

是的，但這位女士，當我去公園時，她羞辱了我。

Especially in LA.

尤其是在洛杉磯。

I got it from a breeder, and I didn't know this was a problem.

我是從飼養員那裡得到它的，我不知道這是個問題。

She looked at my dog, looked at my face, and went like this.

她看了看我的狗，又看了看我的臉，然後這樣說道。

Oh.

哦。

I'm like, what do you mean, oh?

我想，你什麼意思，哦？

She's like, well, mine's a rescue.

她就說，我的孩子是被救回來的。

Do you see Todd and its only leg?

你看到託德和它唯一的一條腿了嗎？

I'm like, yeah, it looks like a kebab.

我想，是啊，看起來像烤肉串。

She's like, yeah, but I rescue that.

她說："是的，但這是我的救命稻草。

Before I continue, I just want to say this.

在繼續之前，我只想說一句。

Of course, there's loving people who loves animals even more than humans sometimes.

當然，有時也會有愛動物勝過愛人類的愛心人士。

I could respect and admire that, but I hate when people virtuous and go, I'm a good, but I rescue.

我可以尊重和欽佩這種做法，但我討厭人們以德服人，我是個好人，但我救人。

It's like, yeah, obviously.

這就像，是的，很明顯。

No animals come out this way.

沒有動物從這邊出來。

It looks like a wet lollipop that caught hair on it.

看起來就像沾了毛的溼棒棒糖。

I rescue.

我救援。

But I still felt really guilty because I'm a human being, and then I started to do research.

但我還是很內疚，因為我也是人，於是我開始做研究。

And I found that 2 million pets each year, they'll go from the breeder where I got it from straight, right?

我發現，每年有 200 萬隻寵物會直接從飼養員那裡買來，對嗎？

2 million.

200萬

They'll go to a bad home, get abused, beaten, and abandoned.

他們會去一個糟糕的家庭，受到虐待、毆打和遺棄。

And some people, not all, they'll go to the shelter.

有些人，不是所有人，會去收容所。

They go, oh, look who needs my help.

他們會說，哦，看看誰需要我的幫助。

Don't worry.

別擔心

I am now here in Jesus's image to rescue you.

我現在以耶穌的形象在這裡拯救你。

The word rescue in the English language, as I've learned, means save from danger.

據我所知，"救援 "一詞在英語中的意思是 "從危險中拯救"。

Why did you wait for it to get beaten first?

你為什麼要等它先被打敗？

Yeah, I didn't wait.

是的，我沒有等。

I went straight to the source.

我直接找到了源頭。

I rescued it.

我救了它。

I rescued it with money.

我用錢救了它。

You are just a cheap bastard is what you are.

你就是個小氣鬼。

You just didn't want to pay for extra legs.

你只是不想為額外的腿付錢。

Yeah, because legs cost money.

是啊，因為腿要花錢。

How about you love your dog, I love my dog, and we both go home?

你愛你的狗，我愛我的狗，然後我們一起回家，怎麼樣？

How about we just give each other the benefit of the doubt?

要不，我們就互諒互讓？

Thank you guys so much.

非常感謝你們。

Y'all been great.

你們都很棒

Thank you.

謝謝。