EVERYBODY.

每個人。

TODAY WE HEARD ONLY FROM THE HOUSE IMPEACHMENT MANAGERS.

今天我們只聽取了眾議院執行經理的意見。

THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS HAD THE DAY OFF, AND THEY

前任總統的律師們放假一天，而他們

NEEDED IT, BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL IN RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY FROM

需要它，因為他們仍然在重建手術從。

PUNCHING THEMSELVES IN THE FACE FOR TWO HOURS YESTERDAY.

揍自己的臉兩小時了。

THEY'RE SWEEPING UP TEETH LIKE CHICKLETS.

他們把牙齒像雞肉一樣掃起來。

THE REVIEWS ARE IN, AND THEY ARE TERRIBLE, ESPECIALLY FOR LEAD

評論是在，他們是可怕的，特別是對領先的

DEFENSE ATTORNEY AND MAN BOMBING THIS AUDITION FOR BILLY FLYNN IN

辯方律師和男子在BILLY FLYNN的這次聽證會上被炸死。

"CHICAGO," BRUCE CASTOR.

"芝加哥"，布魯斯・卡斯特爾。

THE CRITICISM WAS ESPECIALLY HARSH FROM REPUBLICANS.

共和黨人的責備特別嚴厲。

TEXAS SENATOR JOHN CORNYN SAID CASTOR "JUST RAMBLED ON AND ON

德州參議員約翰-科寧說，卡斯特 "只是喋喋不休地說著話"。

AND ON."

和上。"

MAINE'S SUSAN COLLINS SAID SHE WAS "PERPLEXED."

MAINE'S SUSAN COLLINS SAID SHE WAS "PERPLEXED".

AND LISA MURKOWSKI ADDED, "I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE HE WAS

而LISA MURKOWSKI補充說："我搞不清楚他在哪裡。

GOING.

去。

HE SPENT 45 MINUTES GOING SOMEWHERE, BUT I DON'T THINK HE

他花了45分鐘去了某個地方，但我不認為他。

HELPED WITH US BETTER UNDERSTANDING WHERE HE WAS

幫助我們更好地瞭解他在哪裡。

COMING FROM."

來自。"

"PERPLEXED," RAMBLED," "COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE HE WAS COMING

"一籌莫展"，"亂七八糟"，"搞不清楚他要去哪裡

FROM"?

從"？

IS THIS AN IMPEACHMENT OR CHRISTOPHER NOLAN'S "TENET"?

這是對克里斯托弗-諾蘭的 "信條 "的嘲諷嗎？

JUST MAKE A LINEAR MOVIE FOR ONCE, CHRIS!

就做一次線性電影吧，克里斯！

A THING HAPPENS, ANOTHER THING HAPPENS BECAUSE OF THE FIRST

一件事發生了，另一件事就因為第一件事發生了。

THING, AND THEN PEOPLE FEEL SOME WAY ABOUT THOSE THINGS

然後人們就會對這些事情有一些感覺。

HAPPENING.

發生。

ROLL CREDITS.

滾動信貸。

MAYBE PUT SOME BLOOPERS IN THE CREDITS, OKAY?

也許可以把一些BLOOPERS 在信貸，好嗎？

WORKED FOR BURT REYNOLDS!

為BURT REYNOLDS工作！

IT WILL WORK FOR YOU.

它將為你工作。

THE HARSHEST REVIEW CAME FROM LOUISIANA REPUBLICAN AND MAN AT

最嚴厲的評論來自路易斯安那州的共和黨人和人在。

WORK REALIZING HE FORGOT TO TAKE HIS KIDS TO SCHOOL, BILL

上班時發現忘了帶孩子去上學，比爾。

CASSIDY.

我的意思是...

( LAUGHTER ) CASSIDY HAD VOTED IN SUPPORT OF

卡西迪曾投過支持票。

RAND PAUL'S EARLIER MOTION THAT IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL TO IMPEACH

蘭德-保羅早先提出的 "違反憲法的禁令 "的議案。

A FORMER PRESIDENT, BUT HE SWITCHED SIDES YESTERDAY AND

前任主席，但他今天轉了個彎，而且...

EXPLAINED WHY.

解釋了為什麼。

>> IT WAS DISORGANIZED, RANDOM, HAD NOTHING.

>> 它是無組織的，隨機的，沒有什麼。

THEY TALKED ABOUT MANY THINGS, BUT THEY DIDN'T TALK ABOUT

他們談了很多事情，但他們沒有談及

THE ISSUE AT HAND.

目前的問題：

AND SO, IF I'M AN IMPARTIAL JUROR AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE A

所以，如果我是一個非同尋常的陪審員，我試圖做一個。

DECISION BASED UPON THE FACTS AS PRESENTED ON THIS ISSUE, THEN

根據就這一問題提出的事實作出決定，然後......。

THE HOUSE MANAGERS DID A MUCH BETTER JOB.

房屋管理員做了更好的工作。

>> Stephen: WOW, A REPUBLICAN SENATOR LOOKED AT EVIDENCE AND

>> 斯蒂芬: 哇，一個共和黨參議員看了證據，然後。

ACTED ACCORDINGLY.

循序漸進地行事。

IT'S A LOW BAR, BUT RIGHT NOW, IT'S THE ONLY ONE WE'VE GOT.

這是一個低酒吧，但現在，這是唯一的一個我們已經得到了。

CHEERS, SENATOR!

乾杯，參議員！

MMM ( WHISTLES )

MMM（口哨聲）

THERE WAS ONE PERSON WHO DIDN'T THINK BRUCE CASTOR DID A BAD

有一個人不認為布魯斯-凱斯托做得很好。

JOB: BRUCE CASTOR.

BRUCE CASTOR.

ASKED ABOUT CASSIDY'S FLIP TO THE OTHER SIDE, CASTOR CROWED:

當被問及卡西迪翻到另一邊的事時，卡斯特皺起了眉頭。

"WE ONLY LOST ONE, SO I BELIEVE WE HAD A GOOD DAY."

"我們只失去了一個，所以我相信我們有一個好的一天。"

HOT TIP: NEVER HIRE BRUCE CASTOR AS YOUR LAWYER OR YOUR

熱點提示：永遠不要聘請布魯斯-卡斯特爾作為你的律師或你的。

BABYSITTER.

褓母：

"LOOK, JUST PUT EVERYONE TO BED.

"聽著，把大家都放到床上去吧。

KACIE AND MAGGIE ATE ALL THEIR VEGETABLES.

KACIE和MAGGIE吃了所有的蔬菜。

WE ONLY LOST ONE KID, BUT TREVOR WAS PRETTY MOUTHY, SO I THINK

我們只失去了一個孩子，但特雷弗是非常口無遮攔的，所以我想... ...

WE HAD A GOOD DAY!" AT THE END OF THE DAY, CASTOR

我們度過了愉快的一天！"在這一天結束時，CASTOR

DIDN'T SEEM TO THINK THE BAD REVIEWS WERE A BIG DEAL.

似乎不認為差評是個大問題。

"YOU PUT 100 PEOPLE IN THE SAME ROOM, YOU'RE GOING TO GET 100

"你把100個人放在同一個房間裡，你會得到100個。

DIFFERENT OPINIONS."

不同的意見。"

YEAH, MAYBE SO, BUT PRETTY SURE THE OBJECTIVE OF A TRIAL IS TO

是的，也許是這樣，但我敢肯定，審判的目的是為了... ...

GET THE WHOLE JURY TO HAVE THE SAME OPINION.

讓所有的陪審團都有同樣的意見。

NAMELY, THAT YOUR CLIENT DIDN'T DO IT.

就是說，你的客戶沒有做。

THAT'S WHY THE MOVIE ISN'T CALLED "12 MEN WHO ALL FEEL

這就是為什麼這部電影不叫 "12個男人都有感覺"。

DIFFERENTLY."

不同的。"

THE ONE MAN WHO REALLY DID NOT ENJOY CASTOR'S PERFORMANCE WAS

真正不喜歡CASTOR表演的人是...。

HIS CLIENT, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, DURING CASTOR'S OPENING

他的客戶，因為，據說，在牧師的開幕式上，

STATEMENT, THE USED-POTUS WAS "ALMOST SCREAMING" AT

聲明，使用過的總統是 "ALMOST SCREAMING "在。

THE TV.

電視：

WHEN HAS HE EVER "ALMOST" SCREAMED?

他什麼時候 "差點 "尖叫過？

BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THE TVs HAD SO MUCH SPITTLE ON THEM,

在白宮的時候，電視上有很多汙垢。

THEY CAME WITH WIPER BLADES.

他們帶著雨刷片來了。

NOW, THE IMPEACHMENT, STRANGELY IS ACTUALLY THE SECOND BIGGEST

現在，"內訌"，奇怪的是，實際上是第二大的。

STORY FROM THE LEGAL WORLD, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THIS FOOTAGE

來自法律世界的故事，因為昨天，這個鏡頭。

WENT VIRAL OF A TEXAS COURT HEARING WHERE ONE OF THE

傳播了德州法院的聽證會，其中一個人的名字。

LAWYERS GOT STUCK BEHIND A ZOOM FILTER.

律師們被ZOOM FILTER困住了。

SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS WHICH ONE: >> MR. PONTON, I BELIEVE YOU

看你能不能猜到是哪一個。>> 龐頓先生，我相信你能猜出是哪一個。龐頓，我相信你

HAVE A FILTER TURNED ON IN THE VIDEO SETTINGS.

在視頻設置中打開過濾器。

YOU MIGHT WANT TO, UH-- >> AH!

你可能會想，呃... ... 啊！

WE'RE TRYING TO-- WE'RE TRYING TO-- CAN YOU HEAR ME, JUDGE?

我們試圖... 我們試圖... 你能聽到我嗎，法官？

>> I CAN HEAR YOU.

>> 我可以聽到你的聲音。

I THINK IT'S A FILTER.

我認為這是一個過濾器。

>> IT IS.

>> 它是。

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REMOVE IT.

我不知道如何刪除它。

I'VE GOT MY ASSISTANT HERE.

我有我的助手在這裡。

SHE'S TRYING TO, UH...

她想，呃... ...

I'M PREPARED TO GO FORWARD WITH IT.

我已經準備好了，要和它一起前進。

I'M HERE LIVE.

我在這裡住。

I'M NOT-- I'M NOT A CAT.

我不是... 我不是一隻貓。

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OBJECTION, YOUR

( 笑 ) >> 斯蒂芬：反對，你的...

HONOR!

榮譽！

THE OPPOSING COUNSEL IS CLEARLY A CAT!

對方律師顯然是一隻貓！

I MOVE TO HAVE HIM DISBARRED AND DE-CLAWED!

我請求解除他的禁賽和禁令！

THIS IS THE ULTIMATE VIRAL VIDEO FOR THE PANDEMIC, BECAUSE AT

這是對PANDEMIC的終極病毒視頻，因為在。

THIS POINT, I'VE ALSO TURNED INTO A CAT.

這一點，我也已經變成了一隻貓。

I SLEEP 18 HOURS A DAY, I EAT EVERYTHING OUT OF A BOWL WITH MY

我每天睡18個小時，我吃的東西都是用碗吃的

FACE, AND I BATHE SLIGHTLY LESS THAN A CAT, ONLY BECAUSE MY

臉，而我洗澡比貓還少，只因為我的。

TONGUE WON'T REACH EVERYWHERE!

TONGUE不會到達任何地方!

THE NAME OF THE LAWYER IN THAT VIDEO IS ROD PONTON.

視頻中律師的名字是羅德-龐頓。

"PAWWWWN-TON?" REALLY, MISTER "I'M NOT A

"PAWWWWN-TON？"真的，MISTER "我不是一個...

CAT"?

CAT"？

THAT'S WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH?

這就是你想出的辦法？

"UH, MY NAME?

"呃，我的名字？

IT'S, UHH, ROD...

這是，呃，羅德... ...

PAWNTON.

PAWNTON.

I MEAN, PHIL LITTER BOX.

我的意思是，菲爾字盒。

I MEAN, CHASE LASER POINTER!" ALSO, NOTICE THAT THE ZOOM HAS A

我的意思是，追逐脈衝光針！"另外，請注意，ZOOM有一個。

WARNING THAT SAYS "RECORDING OF THIS HEARING IS PROHIBITED.

警告說："禁止記錄本次聽證會。

VIOLATION MAY RESULT IN A JAIL TERM OF UP TO 180 DAYS."

違反規定可能會被判處最長180天的監禁。"

AND I WANT TO SALUTE WHOEVER RISKED JAIL TO BRING US THIS

我想向冒著坐牢的危險給我們帶來這個的人致敬。

MOMENT OF JOY.

歡樂的時刻。

"WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?" "MULTIPLE HOMICIDE."

"你有什麼好處？""多起殺人案"

WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?" "FUNNY CAT LAWYER."

你在幹什麼？""有趣的貓咪律師。"

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE."

"謝謝你的服務"

STILL, AS AWKWARD AS THIS WAS, THIS MAY BE THE ONLY WAY TO

不過，由於尷尬的是，這可能是唯一的方法，以。

IMPROVE THE EX-PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT DEFENSE.

改進對前任總統的不當行為的辯護。

>> MY NAME IS BRUCE CASTOR.

>> 我叫布魯斯-卡斯特爾。

I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- LEAD COUNSEL FOR THE 45th PRESIDENT

我是第45任總統的首席檢察官--首席律師。

OF THE UNITED STATES.

美利堅合眾國政府

>> Stephen: NAH, HE STILL SUCKS.

>> 斯蒂芬：不，他仍然很糟糕。

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KRISTEN WIIG.

我們馬上就回來與克莉絲汀威格。

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