I realize that Portia has a problem, and I believe it's serious.

我發現 Portia 有一個毛病，我覺得相當嚴重。

Portia is addicted to lotions.

Portia 對乳液上癮。

She is a lotion hoarder.

她是一個乳液囤積商。

And, I don't know how it took me so long to notice this, but she has bottles and bottles of lotion.

我不知道我為何花這麼久才注意到這件事，但她有一罐接著一罐的乳液。

There are bottles...they are lined up on the counter which I thought that's all they were.

那些瓶子...它們排在檯面上，我以為那些就是全部了。

But then under the sink, there is baskets of lotions.

但在水槽下方，又有一籃接著一籃的乳液。

She has lotions from cheap drug stores.

她有從便宜藥局買來的乳液。

She has real fancy ones from the Marriott and the Holiday Inn.

也有從萬華酒店或是假日酒店買來的高級貨。

Lord knows what she is spending on that.

天曉得她在這上面花了多少錢。

And, she has every kind of lotion that there is, and there is a lot of lotions.

而且她所有款式的乳液都有，市面上真的有很多乳液。

I don't know if you know this, but there is a lotion for your face, there's a lotion for your hands, there's a lotion for your feet, there's a lotion for your body.

我不知道你們是否知道這件事，但有塗在臉上的乳液、有塗抹在手上的乳液、有擦在腳上的乳液，也有抹在身上的乳液。

Why?

為什麼？

Why? What would happen if you put lotion on your feet instead of your hands.

為什麼？ 假如你將擦在手上的乳液，擦在腳上到底會發生什麼事。

Would your feet get confused, and start clapping?

你的腳會感到困惑而開始拍手嗎？

What's the...how does it differ? How does it know?

到底...它是怎麼區分的？它是如何知道的？

Oh, I'm supposed to be on the feet, not the hands.

喔！我應該被擦在手上，不是擦在腳上。

And each kind says something special for your skin, it has aloe, or shea butter, or coconut or cocoa butter, or vanilla, lemon extract.

而且每一種都說有針對肌膚的特殊成分，有蘆薈、乳油木、椰子、可可脂、香草還有檸檬萃取物。

That's one ingredient short of a bundt cake.

那與邦特蛋糕只差一個成分。

So, a lot of different things in there.

真的有很多東西在裡面。

And, don't get me wrong, I like lotion.

但不要誤會，我是喜歡乳液的。

I use moisturizers on my face, I have to, it's my money maker.

我會在臉上使用保濕霜，我必須這樣，它是我的搖錢樹。

And I have the hand lotion I use, because when I shake my guest's hands, I like to experience my suppleness of my hands.

還有我使用的那個護手霜，因為當我跟來賓握手時，我喜歡感受我手上的柔順感。

But hand lotion can be tricky, because you have to be smart about when you put it on.

但是護手霜比較棘手，因為你需要聰明地挑選使用時機。

If you put it on right before you work out, you're gonna slip right off of that stripper pole.

假如你在健身前使用，你絕對會從鋼管上滑下來。

It's hard to hang on.

要撐在上面很困難。

You slide around and you're on the ground; it hard to get your legs up in the air.

你滑了一圈，然後掉到地上，要把腳舉到空中會相當困難。

You know ladies.

女士們，你們了解的。

And, y'all know, you have to know how much to put on, too.

然後，你們知道的，你也必須知道要使用多少量。

You don't want to overdo it.

你不會想用太多。

Because, uh, this morning, Portia got stuck in the bathroom for an hour trying to turn the door knob.

因為，痾...今天早上 Portia 被困在浴室中一個小時，試著要轉開門把。

It's like...

像這樣...

And then I had to remind her that we have a door that slides.

然後我必須提醒她，我們的門是用滑的。

But anyway, She's pretty.

無論如何，她很漂亮。

I love you.

我愛你。

Have you been around somebody who puts too much lotion on, and they want to give you the extra?

你身邊曾經有人使用太多乳液，然後想把多的給你的嗎？

Uh, it feels more intimate than a sleepover.

痾...這比留宿過夜還要親密。

They're all, they're like...

他們都像這樣...

If I'm gonna let a stranger rub lotion on me, there's gonna be candles, and music, and mall shoppers around me.

假如我要讓一個陌生人在我的身上塗乳液，那一定要蠟燭、音樂，以及在我身邊走動的購物者。

I'm not...

我不要...

Well today's the first day of spring, and I have a spring cleaning challenge.

今天是春天的第一天，我有一個春季清掃挑戰。

Everyone should get rid of all the lotions they don't use anymore.

每個人都應該處理掉不再使用的乳液。

And by everyone, I mean Portia.

我的每個人指的就是 Portia。

At least combine, like they have the half bottles.

最起碼把它們混合在一起，像那種剩半罐的。

Combine all the half bottles in one giant bottle of lotion, that smells like a baby eating a cucumber, and orange grill.

把那些剩下半罐的合併在一起，變成一罐巨大的乳液，聞起來就像一個嬰兒在吃小黃瓜，或是燒烤柳橙。

That would be...

那就會像是...

Alright, I'm done talking about lotion, tune in tomorrow when I talk about Portia's expensive nail polish collection.

好了，我今天已經講夠了乳液，明天請準時收看我談論 Portia 昂貴的指甲油收藏。

And now I should lather you all up with this dance.

現在我將以這支舞來振奮你們。