TO OUR LIVE LIVE ELECTION SPECIAL.

到我們的現場直播選舉特別。

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主播，史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

I'M WEARING A SUIT TONIGHT BECAUSE IT'S THE ELECTION.

我今晚要穿西裝，因為這是選舉。

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE.

覺得這樣很好。

I DRESSED UP.

我穿上了衣服。

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD TOO.

我以為你也會。

I'M NOT ALONE.

我不是一個人。

I HAVE THE TWO MASKED MEN WHO ARE NORMALLY IN HERE.

我有兩個通常在這裡的蒙面人。

I'D LOVE TO LEARN THEIR NAMES SOME DAY.

我希望有一天能知道他們的名字

MY LADY WIFE IS HERE.

我的妻子在這裡。

SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

她就在那裡。

SHE'S HAD A LITTLE WINE.

她喝了點酒。

BUT SHE'S A CORE DEMOGRAPHIC.

但她是一個核心的民主黨人。

SHE'S A SUBURBAN WOMAN.

她是一個郊區的女人。

AS SHE GOES, SO GOES THE NATION, IS MY UNDERSTANDING.

她走了，國家也走了，是我的理解。

TONIGHT SHE'S GOING HOME WITH ME.

今晚她要和我一起回家。

AND TONIGHT WE'RE ON SHO TIME, JUST LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO.

而今晚我們是在SHO時間， 就像四年前。

AND WE KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE, BECAUSE IT'S LIVE.

我們知道我們為什麼在這裡， 因為它是活的。

THE THING IS, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT SOME OF THE INGREDIENTS OF

問題是，我們不知道什麼是一些成分的。

TONIGHT'S SHOW ARE GOING TO BE.

今晚的節目將是：

IT'S LIKE MAKING COOKIES.

這就像做餅乾。

AT THIS POINT, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO BE IN THE BATCH,

在這個時候，我們不知道什麼會是在批次。

CHOCOLATE CHIPS, RAISINS, OR A HANDFUL OF THUMBTACKS.

巧克力片，葡萄乾，或者一把拇指頭。

AS WE JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN, PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US AND

在我們進入未知領域的過程中，請對我們保持耐心，並對我們的工作給予支持。

YOURSELF.

你自己。

HOLD ON TIGHT.

緊緊抓住。

HOLD ON TO YOUR LOVED ONES.

抱住你的夫妻。

HOLD ON TO YOUR PETS.

抱住你的寵物。

AND IF YOU'RE HOLDING ON TO ANYTHING ELSE TURN YOUR ZOOM

如果你還在猶豫不決的話，請轉動你的焦距。

CAMERA OFF.

攝影機關閉。

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME WHY WE DID THIS AGAIN BECAUSE WE

很多人都在問我為什麼我們又要這樣做，因為我們... ...

DID IT FOUR YEARS AGO AND IT WAS A PAINFUL EXPERIENCE.

四年前做的，那是一次痛苦的經歷。

BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU RIGHT NOW,

但我現在除了你，不想和任何人在一起。

AND PARTLY BECAUSE WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE NEW YORK

部分原因是我們不被允許離開紐約。

ANYMORE.

任何時候。

I'M GLAD TO BE ON SHOWTIME, BECAUSE HOLY ( BLEEP ).

我很高興能在SHOWTIME， 因為神聖的（嗶）。

THIS IS A ( BLEEP ) WEIRD ELECTION.

這是一個（BLEEP）奇怪的選舉。

FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE IN A PANDEMIC, SO BEFORE THE POLLS

首先，我們正處於恐慌期，所以在民意調查之前

OPENED THIS MORNING, 99.7% OF AMERICANS VOTED.

今早開幕，99.7%的美國人投票。

A LOT OF THE VOTES WERE WERE SENT BY MAIL, AND AS WE PEEK,

很多選票都是通過郵件發送的，我們也在觀察。

THE G.O.P. IS WORKING HARD TO

G.O.P. is working hard to.

CONVINCE THE COURTS TO DISQUALIFY VOTES ON

說服法院取消對以下問題的表決：

TECHNICALITIES AND BASELESS CHARGES OF FRAUD.

技術和無罪欺詐指控；

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: "IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, FIND A JUDGE WHO

你知道那句老話嗎："如果你不能打敗他們，就找一個法官吧。

SAYS THAT, NO, ACTUALLY, YOU DID BEAT 'EM."

說，不，實際上，你確實打敗了他們。"

NOW, DOUBT ABOUT WHETHER THE ELECTION WILL BE FAIR OR NOT HAS

現在，對選舉是否公平的懷疑已經出現了。

RAISED FEAR OF VIOLENCE IN THE STREETS.

引起人們對街頭暴力的恐懼；

IN FACT, ALL OVER THE COUNTRIES, RETAILERS ARE BOARDING UP THEIR

事實上，在各國，零售商都在為自己的產品登場。

WINDOWS.

WINDOWS。

IT'S BEEN A BANNER DAY FOR JIM'S DOOMSDAY PLYWOOD.

對於吉姆的末日木業來說，今天是個狂歡的日子。

JIM'S IS ACTUALLY OPEN.

JIM's實際上是開放的。

THE PLYWOOD IS JUST-- IT'S JUST ALWAYS UP THERE.

PLYWOOD只是... ... 它只是一直在那裡。

BUSINESSES EVERYWHERE ARE TAKING PRECAUTIONS, INCLUDING SAKS

各地的企業都在採取預防措施，包括SAKS。

FIFTH AVENUE AND CVS.

FIFTH AVENUE和CVS。

INSTEAD OF PLYWOOD, CVS IS PROTECTING ITS WINDOWS WITH A

CVS沒有使用PLYWOOD，而是使用一種保護Windows的方法。

RECEIPT FOR A SINGLE GATORADE.

一個單人帳篷的食譜。

AS WE SPEAK, JOE BIDEN IS IN DELAWARE, THE PRESIDENT IS AT

在我們發言的時候，喬-比登在德拉瓦州，主席是在

THE WHITE HOUSE.

白宮：

IF EITHER ONE OF THEM COMES OUT TO SPEAK, DURING THIS SHOW-- DO

如果他們中的任何一個出來演講，在這個節目中... ...

WE HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO DO THIS?-- WE ARE PREPARED NOT TO

我們有能力做到這一點嗎？

GO TO EITHER ONE OF THEM, BECAUSE THIS IS MY SHOW.

去他們中的任何一個，因為這是我的節目。

GET YOUR OWN SHOW, FELLAS.

得到你自己的節目，FELLAS。

AND WHILE THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW-- SO FAR-- THE RESULTS

雖然這是一個喜劇節目 - 到目前為止 - 結果。

YOU'LL BE HEARING ARE REAL.

你會聽到的是真實的。

WE'RE GETTING THEM STRAIGHT FROM THE PIPE OVER AT CBS NEWS,

我們直接從CBS新聞的管子裡得到它們。

THE SAME PIPE THEY JACK INTO THE BACK OF JOHN DICKERSON'S

他們在約翰-狄克遜的後背上插上的那根管子。

HEAD.

頭。

AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE PRESIDENT IS THROWING A PARTY

在白宮，總統正在舉辦一個派對。

IS THAT STILL HAPPENING?

還在發生嗎？

IT'S STILL HAPPENING.

它仍然發生。

IT IS PLANNED FOR 250 GUESTS, DOWN FROM THE ORIGINAL 400.

計劃接待250名客人，比原來的400人減少。

TRUMP WANTED TO KEEP IT TO JUST HIS NEAREST AND DEAREST

特朗普想把它留給他最親近的人。

CO-DEFENDANTS.

共同被告：

ONCE AGAIN, THE PRESIDENT IS HOLDING A LARGE INDOOR

主席又一次在室內舉行大型活動。

GATHERING DURING A PANDEMIC.

在大流行期間召開會議。

THIS WAY, IF HE LOSES, HE CAN JUST SEAL HIS ADMINISTRATION IN

這樣一來，如果他輸了，就可以直接把他的政府封存起來。

WITH HIM, LIKE A PHAROAH'S TOMB.

和他在一起，就像一個法老的墳墓。

HE'S ALREADY GOT GOLD WALLS, HIEROGLYPHICS, AND HIS DEMONIC

他已經有了金牆，超光鏡，還有他的惡魔... ...

ESCORT INTO THE UNDERWORLD.

潛入地下。

AND TO KEEP TRUMP SAFE FROM THE ELECTION UNREST THAT HE'S

並使特朗普免受他的選舉動盪的影響。

COUNTING ON, THE GOVERNMENT ERECTED A NON-SCALABLE FENCE

在此基礎上，政府建立了一個不可升級的圍欄。

AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE.

圍繞著白宮：

SO, IN THE END, THEY BUILT. THE.

所以，在最後，他們建立了。的。

WALL. AND LOCKED. HIM. UP.

牆。並鎖住了。他。了。

PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.

做出的承諾，遵守的承諾。

YESTERDAY WAS BOTH CANDIDATES' LAST CHANCE TO MAKE A PITCH TO

YESTERDAY WAS BOTH CANDIDATES' LAST CHANCE TO MAKE A PITCH TO

THE VOTERS.

投票者：

JOE BIDEN WAS IN PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE HE BROUGHT OUT A SPECIAL

喬-比登在賓夕法尼亞州，在那裡他推出了一個特殊的。

GUEST: LADY GAGA!

嘉賓：LADY GAGA!

BECAUSE NOTHING STEAMS TRUMP'S BUNS MORE THAN A TOP CELEBRITY

因為沒有什麼比一個頂級名人更能蒸熟特朗普的包子了。

SHILLING FOR THE OTHER GUY.

為另一個人噓寒問暖。

THE BEST HE'S EVER GOTTEN WAS POP SENSATION LADY RUDY.

最好的他曾經得到過的是POP SENSATION LADY RUDY。

THOUGHT, IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE RUDY IN A COMEDY BIT WHERE HE'S

思想，這是令人耳目一新的看到魯迪在一個喜劇片中，他在哪裡？

NOT TOUCHING HIMSELF.

不碰自己。

SO AT ONE OF HIS CLOSING RALLIES, TRUMP LASHED OUT AT

所以，在他的一次閉幕式集會上，特朗普大發雷霆

BIDEN'S POP STAR FRIEND.

比登的流行明星朋友。

>> LADY GAGA IS NOT TOO GOOD.

>> LADY GAGA不是太好。

I COULD TELL YOU PLENTY OF STORIES ABOUT LADY GAGA.

我可以給你講很多關於LADY GAGA的故事。

I HAVE LOTS OF STORIES ABOUT LADY GAGA.

我有很多關於GAGA女士的故事。

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> Stephen:什麼？

YOU HAVE "LOTS" OF STORIES ABOUT LADY GAGA?

你有很多關於LADY GAGA的故事？

THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING THAT ONE ABOUT THE SUPER-STRONG

那你為什麼老是跟那個人說超強的事？

RANCHER WHO'S NEVER CRIED BEFORE?

從來沒有哭過的牧場主？

OR YOUR MADE-UP FRIEND JIM WHO DOESN'T GO TO PARIS ANYMORE?

還是你那個不去巴黎的假朋友JIM？

OR THE WIFE WHO SUDDENLY LOVES HER HUSBAND BECAUSE THEIR 401K

或者是妻子因為他們的401K而迷迷糊糊地愛上了她的丈夫。

IS DOING WELL?

是否做得很好？

STOP WASTING OUR TIME.

別再浪費我們的時間了

SPILL THE GAGA TEA!

灑下GAGA茶！

AND I TRUST I DID THIS CORRECTLY!

我相信我這樣做是正確的！

THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN DOUBLED DOWN WITH A TWEET:

特朗普的競選活動因一條推特而加倍。

"NOTHING EXPOSES BIDEN'S DISDAIN FOR THE FORGOTTEN WORKING

"沒有什麼能暴露比登對被遺忘的工人的蔑視。

MEN AND WOMEN OF PENNSYLVANIA, LIKE CAMPAIGNING WITH

賓夕法尼亞州的男人和女人，喜歡和他們一起競選。

ANTI-FRACKING ACTIVIST LADY GAGA."

反偷工減料活動家LADY GAGA。"

YES, THAT'S WHAT LADY GAGA IS FAMOUS FOR.

是的，這就是LADY GAGA出名的原因。

WHO CAN FORGET HER BIG HIT: ♪ I'M OFF THE DEEP END

誰能忘記她的主打歌："I'm OFF THE DEEP END"？

WATCH AS I DIVE IN I'LL NEVER FRAAAACK THE GROUND ♪

看我潛水，我永遠不會fRAAAACK地面

LAUGH.

笑。

>> Stephen: THAT SONG GETS ME.

>> Stephen:這首歌讓我。

THAT SONG GETS ME EVERY TIME.

這首歌每次都能讓我感動。

♪ ♪ ♪ >> COMING UP, MORE MONOLOGUE.

>>接下來，更多的獨白。