- [Narrator] A lot happens in Riverdale, folks.

We're gonna have to cover what we can.

Brace yourself for some broad strokes,

because the writing on this show

is truly the most confusing game

of narrative hot potato currently available

on television, and I say that with love.

Let's begin.

Jughead Jones is a pretentious writer

that tells us via voiceover about the mysterious death

of teenager, Jason Blossom, twin brother of Cheryl Blossom

and the heir to the Blossom maple syrup fortune,

whose body is discovered by Kevin and Moose.

They're all classmates of Archie Andrews,

a beautiful idiot who lives nextdoor to Betty Cooper.

Veronica Lodge moves to town,

and he's briefly torn between the two girls

while also hooking up with his music teacher, Mrs. Grundy,

until Archie's dad catches them and she leaves town.

Then everything falls into place with Betty dating Jughead

and Archie dating Veronica.

Jughead reconnects with his deadbeat dad

and the leader of the South Side Serpents, FP Jones.

All four kids plus sometimes Kevin and Josie hang out

at Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe and drink milkshakes.

After some painful singing by Archie

and some weird trip to Cheryl's gothic mansion,

it's revealed that Cheryl's dad,

Cliff Blossom, murdered Jason to cover up

his maple syrup drug smuggling operation.

Cheryl tries to drown herself in the frozen river,

but Archie punches through the ice to save her,

injuring his guitar hand, thank God.

Cheryl burns down her own house

and Jughead is forced to move and change schools

while his dad remains in prison for helping Cliff Blossom.

At Pop's, a masked gunman shoots Archie's dad,

but he survives.

Veronica's evil dad, Hiram Lodge,

gets out of prison and returns to town.

That masked gunman goes full serial killer as the Black Hood

and murders sinners, including Archie's hot former teacher,

Mrs. Grundy, and everybody's friend, Midge.

Sometimes also calling Betty to creep her out.

Betty's estranged brother, Chick, shows up,

but turns out to be an imposter,

so she surrenders him to the Black Hood for murdering.

A party drug called Jingle Jangle spreads throughout town

through a mysterious supplier known as the Sugar Man,

who's revealed to be a South Side teacher

and is murdered by the Black Hood while in police custody.

Archie finds the time to join the mafia,

turned informant, and then just kind of walk away.

Listen, Riverdale sweeps a lot under the rug, all right?

At South Side High, Jughead joins the South Side Serpents,

but Hiram buys the school's land to build a gigantic prison,

and they all transfer to Riverdale High.

Betty joins the Serpents and Cheryl falls

in love with the South Side-er, Toni,

and is sent to a convent for gay conversion therapy

until Toni and Betty, or whoever isn't busy

with the serial killer and gang war, breaks her out.

All right, the gang war.

Archie organizes Riverdale's jocks into an army

and makes an insane viral video challenging the Black Hood

but his army is bought by Hiram.

Tensions run high between the jocks and South Side Serpents

until a rival gang, the Ghoulies,

attack the town until Archie fights them

and everybody's dad shows up with shotguns.

After a riot or two, a drag race,

the live burial of Archie and some other nonsense,

the Black Hood is revealed to be Betty's dad, Hal.

Veronica buys Pop's, Veronica's mom becomes mayor,

and Archie is framed for murder.

Archie goes to jail and is forced

into an underground fight club.

The rest of the gang gets hooked

on a dangerous, satanical tabletop fantasy game

called Griffins and Gargoyles, definitely not D and D,

which is binged by the Gargoyle King to take over the town.

A flashback shows that everybody's parents

also played and G, and played the theme

from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3

in a band together, yes, really.

But someone died and they all had to bury the secret.

Veronica opens a speakeasy underneath Pop's.

Archie breaks out of jail and goes on the run with Jughead.

Kids all over town start having intense

and contagious fainting episodes.

Betty has one and her mom sends her to a convent

to get better, but the place is secretly a testing ground

for the Gargoyle King's new drug, Fizzle Rocks.

Archie's dad drops him off at the border,

Betty escapes and frees everyone from the weird nun prison

and they head back to Riverdale,

where Hiram gets his mayor wife

to declare the fainting episodes

a full on outbreak and the town is quarantined,

with Jughead and his dad stranded outside.

Hiram is vaguely revealed to be the Gargoyle King,

but I won't believe it until I see him

literally step out of the costume,

and that's the story of Riverdale so far.

Did you get any of that?

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Bye-bye.